#something that can make or break mostly any movie for me.... you gotta engage me man i dont have to be entertained per say but i need to be

[bloodcoveredgf]

i fear i just dont really like or enjoy lucio fulci films... damn </3

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

Michael in the Mainstream: Encanto

I do love Disney animated movies, but I’ve gotta say, despite the past decade being the time period where Disney supposedly crawled out of their big slump in the 2000s, I can’t say they made many genuinely great films. Ralph Breaks the Internet is basically a crime against good storytelling, Big Hero 6 is a mediocre movie that has a concept far more suited to a television series than a film, Zootopia is genuinely good but has aged excessively poorly in a short span of time, and even though I think they’re solid I don’t think the Frozen films really warranted becoming Disney’s flagship franchise. Tangled, Wreck-It Ralph, and Moana are the only films out of the 2010s period I can say are genuinely great films, so I was a bit apprehensive going into the 2020s, especially when their first film of the new decade, Raya and the Last Dragon, was a bland, lifeless fantasy adventure that suffers from the same issue Big Hero 6 did while being an uninspired rehash of fantasy tropes we’ve seen done better a million times before. I didn’t even bother reviewing it because it was too boring for me to work up any energy to talk about it.

And then, seemingly out of nowhere, came Encanto. And by God does Encanto go hard. This is one of the best Disney films in a long while, and I might be so inclined as to say it’s one of their very best animated films.

At any rate, it certainly has one of their best soundtracks. I hate having to hand it to Lin-Manuel Miranda, but the man knows how to make good music. I don’t know how he managed to do even better than his phenomenal work on Moana, but Encanto is almost pound for pound better. Every single song here slaps. The best song is almost certainly the epic diss track the family drops about the long-absent Bruno called “We Don’t Talk About Bruno,” but other highlights include the muscle girl’s song about her impostor syndrome, “Surface Pressure,” and Isabel’s big ‘coming out’ song “What Else Can I Do?” This soundtrack is nothing but bangers.

Ah, but what good would the soundtrack be if the characters singing the songs weren’t good? The Madrigal family, the focus of the film, are a lovely and engaging bunch of people. We mostly only get focus on Mirabel (as she’s the protagonist), her sisters Luisa and Isabel, their abuela Alma, and Bruno. While everyone else gets to do stuff here and there, they’re definitely bit players in the grand scheme of the story; Dolores, Camilo, Pepa, all of these characters are pretty fun and interesting, but they’re just not the main focus. Thankfully, who we do focus on are very well-rounded and fascinating, and have tons of issues the film works through. Alma and Isabel in particular are extremely unlikable at first, and then the film lays out their trauma and hangups and then you feel bad for your overly harsh initial judgment.

The themes this film tackles are pretty strong too. Trying to find a purpose in life, impostor syndrome, familial pressure, generational trauma, expectations… it’s some pretty heavy topics which have obviously been lightened a bit to be in this Disney movie for kids, but there’s still a lot of powerful feelings and emotions here. It does end up leading to a pretty obvious ending, but frankly, that’s not much of a bad thing. You want this family to have a happy ending and to heal from their traumas.

This film is fun, colorful, exciting, full of great characters and designs… there’s really not much I have a problem with. Maybe focusing on some of the other families would have been nice, and maybe they could have done something slightly different with the ending, but these are minor gripes that really do nothing to detract from the final product. This is a damn good Disney movie, their best in a few years, and is most definitely worth a watch.

[extremelyblackandwhite]

innocence - 32

PAIRING: bodyguard!bucky barnes x innocent actress!reader

WARNINGS: drunkness, nightmares.

NEXT CHAPTER

    - Sharon? 

There she stood, in all her elegant and precise posture dignified of someone who had been trained to be a spy. Y/N had spoken to Sharon before yet it had been brief so all she knew about her was what she had learned from the media and what Bucky had told her. Yet, Bucky wasn’t one to share much about his life as a Winter Soldier or an Avenger. Despite all this mystery surrounding the woman standing in the kitchen, she trusted her. She was Bucky’s friend and Steve’s girlfriend, a decorated scholar and agent. If she wanted to hurt her the chance was very, very low. Besides, she doubted Bucky would’ve just gone around giving people his address. He doesn’t even tell anyone but the barista his coffee order, not that it is too hard to guess.

    - Bucky asked me to look after you while he’s gone. - she said before Y/N could even question her. - He said you’d feel more comfortable with a woman watching over you.

    - He really left, uh? - Y/N knew he had left, after all his dog tags were hanging from her closed fist, but her more optimistic self, the more happy look which wanted to believe he was gonna be told this was mistake and he could return to the normal life he had paid by with blood, sweat and tears.

    - Do you wanna go for breakfast? There’s a nice spot just a few blocks away from here. - she tried to distract her, kind smile forming. - I always thought you and me should get to know each other. You know, Steve and Bucky are like brothers so we’ll see each other a lot. 

     - Yeah, I hum ... I just need to get dressed. - Y/N wanted to be her happy, cheery self and she knew Sharon was only trying to make her feel better but all she could think about was Bucky and if he was safe.

She knew she was no super soldier, no super spy, not a witch or an agent but she just wanted to help him. She was already helpless in her own life, merely following along as others guided her, too afraid to step too much out of line in fear of losing what she had worked for. After all, many people wanted what she had, many people wanted a contract with a household agency thus she had to be compliant. She had to step on the breaks before she even turned the key. However, if there was something she had agency on it was her relationships and she wanted to help him. God, she wished to never see that look, the look he gave her that morning after that call. It was pure sorrow mixed with anger and she wondered how long he’d felt that way. She wondered if anyone had tried to help him rather than weaponise him. It was not her choice to decide what Bucky wanted to do with his life, it was not her right to demand him explain her demons to her but it was her choice and her pleasure to be by his side and right now she wanted to be by his side. Even if her mother had raised her not to rely on a man. It wasn’t relying on him, it wasn’t being only completed when a man was around, it wasn’t her feeling incomplete whenever he was around. No. It was none of that. It was merely wanting to hold the hand of someone who had for the longest time not had anyone to hold his hand. It was loving someone so much, she’d be okay with holding his burden with him even if he didn’t want to. It was merely loving someone, darkness and light, and she loved him. 

Her hands gripped the sink of the bathroom, eyes gazing onto the mirror in front of her and as such her own face. She watched every line, every corner, contour and shadow of her face, the dog tags softly dangling around from her neck, the only part of him she had near her. Y/N splashed cold water against her face, trying to let her own optimism flow into what was now a negative outcome. She stepped outside of the bedroom, a soft smile drawn on her features.

   - Should we go? - Sharon suggested, grabbing her coat which was laying over the couch. - It will make you feel better, Y/N. 

   - Yeah, I’m just ...

   - He’s one of the best operatives in the field. - Sharon interrupted her. - He will be fine, I promise you. 

   - You can’t promise me that. - she said as she took her own jacket from the hooks on the wall.

   -  I’ve seen him fight before, Y/N. I’ve been where you are, it’s shit but ... you gotta trust someone who’s strong enough to carelessly break a brick, will be fine. 

Sharon meant well, she knew she did and she was glad she was there but Y/N felt nothing but completely numb to what was happening around her. It seems as he had left with her heart and now she was longing his and hers didn’t get broken in the middle of HYDRA’s crossfire. She didn’t know much about HYDRA or even the Winter Soldier, her parents had shielded her and her siblings from the bad of the world and while she had seen Washington in the TV and remembered when Captain America had been regarded as a traitor, she had never been explained much about HYDRA and all that was out in the internet was glossed over with a paint coat of big, bad monster. Funny how big, bad monsters don’t look like monsters at all. She’d not even been in the country when the first modern Winter Soldier attacks had occurred and she was younger, much more naive. What she could remember was circled with rumours of politicians then blaming every single event on the soldier, turning him into a folklore-like creature but he was not folklore, he really existed. Conscious or not conscious, he existed. She didn’t know how Bucky felt about it, he’d never tell her but what she knew was that he drew a line between who he had been and who he was now, and he hated to cross that line.

The harsh sound of the coffee steamer from the coffee machine took her from her own head. The coffee shop itself was mostly empty, highly due to it being later in the morning and all she wanted to do was return to her bedroom and stay there until she had to go for her photoshoot. However, the waitress was already taking their orders which meant she had to at least stay here until the two of them had eaten whatever Sharon had prepared. 

   - How do you do it? - Y/N blurted out, clearly losing any control over her mind to mouth filter. - The missions ... I mean, Steve must be going on them all the time. 

   - Well, whenever I don’t go ... it’s hell. - she smiled tightly. - One thing is going on a mission yourself, the other one is someone who you love going. And for what? Crocked politicians? 

   - I get a feeling you’re not a big fan of the government. 

   - You’d be right. So, what’s the schedule for today? Bucky didn’t really explain what your job entails.

   - There’s a photoshoot today at 3, then it’s free days until Monday where I have to go on set to film the last scenes. 

    - Photoshoot? Sounds fun. 

    - The Virgin Bride for Vogue.

    - Oh ... - she agent scrunched up her face. - Not so fun.

    - They’re doing an issue on the types of brides. You know ... because type casting not only occurs in Hollywood, it occurs in life too. You got your bridezellas, your over 30 brides, your rebel brides and the virgin bride. Being the virgin bride does fit with the image they want for me. 

     - I never really understood type casting, if I’m being honest. You know, the rat, brit, brat pack. Never really made sense.

     - It’s a marketing strategy. It is easier to market someone as a type rather than a complex person.

She liked photoshoots, she mostly got to dress up and get photographed almost like a big makeover like in those 90s movies she still curled up against her comforter to see. This particular one did make her upset, to be in a white wedding dress, surrounded by soft white fabric was particularly cruel. She knew her wedding was not going to be what she dreamed of a kid and unless she wanted to get her agency or the government in the business, the two of them would’ve had to get married in the civil hall. However, it did not matter to her where she got married, it mattered that the person she wasn’t engaged to was not here. It was almost like being dressed as a left at the altar bride ... like a widow. 

She unpinned the veil from her hair, taking off all the heavy jewellery that had been used to adorn her hair and put it on top of the desk where all the makeup was still open. The dress was pretty but it was big, it was too big, it almost swallowed her, it made her feel small but it reminded of him. She wondered where he was, what he was doing, how he was feeling, if he was safe.

    - That was boring. - Sharon said as she stepped inside the dressing room, holding two coffee cups. - I know that look. What’s wrong?

    - I hate this dress. - Y/N sat down in the chair. - It’s too big.

    - You look like a wedding cake.

    - Right. - Y/N moved the fabric up playfully. - I don’t think I can even move correctly. 

    - You should be thinking about your own soon. - Y/N gave Sharon a confused look. - Steve told me. Don’t tell Bucky, he’ll get upset and then Steve will be upset, big mess.

    - Well, it’s good to be able to speak to someone about it. - she smiled. Only Bucky and her parents knew, so she did not have many people to tell she was engaged to or to even speak about it. 

    - So, how do you envision your wedding dress?

    - Oh, I don’t ... I don’t really think about it. It’s most likely gonna be in city hall so it’s not worth it.

    - What? That’s bullshit. Everyone wears a dress. 

    - I can’t really go anywhere ... the paps would go crazy and that’s the last thing I need.

    - Still, everyone wears a dress even if they go to city hall.

Y/N merely shrugged. Her head was not in the right space and for the first time she was looking forward to go to set. It didn’t matter if being on set was dehumanising sometimes, it mattered that her head would’ve been somewhere else. She knew that as a perfectionist, her mind would be on finishing those scenes and not on Bucky. As she got home, she couldn’t help but get lost inside her mind again as Sharon put some old sitcom on the TV. She was surrounded by him, by memories of him, things that reminded her of him. Looking to her left there were framed photos of him, his jacket was still hanging from the door, the broken shards of porcelain were still on the sink. There were pieces of him everywhere and half of her felt ridiculous it was affecting her so much as it was but she loved him. She loved him.

    - Right, get your jacket. - Sharon got up from the couch.

    - Why? Where are we going?

    - You will see.

Y/N followed Sharon through the half lit Brooklyn night down to the back of several shops. The lights flickered, illuminating the bins filled with black plastic bags which laid in the back fronts of several shops. She watched as Sharon made her way towards a particular store back, taking a key from under a seemingly unseeingly rock which opened the heavy pad lock keeping the door shut. Sharon motioned her head towards the door and Y/N followed her into the dark shop. The agent closed the door behind them before she turned the lights. The bright white lights illuminated the shop floors and she noticed she was surrounded by hundreds of glass see through closets with various white dresses. Was she in a bridal shop?

    - You need to take your mind out of him. - Sharon sat against one of the pale pastel pink couches laid around the store. 

    - Is this legal?

    - You’re engaged to Bucky Barnes, how come you care about legality so much? 

    - I don’t want to get arrested, Sharon.

    - It’s one of my friends bridal store. You said you couldn’t do it without paps walking around and photographing you, so ... here you go.

    - I ... I don’t ... What if he doesn’t come back? - Y/N’s lip trembled as she crossed her arms and looked to the side.

    - Y/N, he will come back. It is one man against a soldier with the strength of five. Trust me, if not for anything else, he’ll come back to you. Now, dress, what dress do you want?

    - I don’t know. 

    - Come on. Pick one and try it on. We are not going home until you try a dress on.

    - Fine.

Y/N stared at the dresses, grabbing the first one she could find in her own size and dragging it onto the dressing room. It definitely was not her type of dress, at least not the type of dress she had envisioned getting married in. It was pure white, sleeveless with a cut which went down to her sternum, skin tight, hugging her body in a flattering way but it just wasn’t her dress. It wasn’t the dress she wanted to get married in, but right now it wasn’t the time to think about what dress to wear when Bucky was out. She shouldn’t be playing dress up. 

She waddled back to where Sharon was sat before she stopped in front of her, hands on her hips. Somehow, she had found some prosecco and plastic flutes and had her feet on top of the pale pink couch. 

   - Are you happy now? - Y/N sighed, mostly out off nuissance. 

   - Don’t give me that tone. - Sharon sipped from her own flute, handing Y/N the other one. - Come on, what do you think?

   - It’s ... uhm ... fine. - her hands gestured around the fabric.

   - What? That’s the first one you try. Why aren’t you crying? It isn’t the one if you’re not crying. That’s what they do in the movies.

   - I can cry.

   - No, spin. - Sharon waved her finger around and Y/N spun around slowly. - It ain’t it.

   - But Bucky ...

   - From now on every time you say the words James, Bucky, Buchanan, or Barnes, you’re drinking. 

   - But I don’t know if Bucky ...

   - Drink. - Sharon interrupted her. Y/N scrunched her face not really believing her but she looked dead serious. She took a sip of her prosecco, placing the flute on the table near her. - Come on, what does your wedding dress look like.

   - I don’t know ... I don’t want something skin tight, I want some floofy fabric.

   - Yeah, go on.

   - And I don’t want it to be too long, I want my shoes to show ... like Audrey Hepburn in Funny Face.

   - Let’s find it. 

Both she and Sharon went through tons and tons of dresses, through so much lace she was sure to dream about it for the next week until they found something that resembled what she wanted. Y/N ended up rather dizzy on the prosecco, not used to drinking too much, running around barefoot with the dress that was her dress in a rather subdued white which showed her legs from the ankle down, a voluminous little shirt which cinched at her waist. A rather short veil fell from her head, pinned to the crown of her head with a fake baby pink rose prong clip. The two ended up laying on the pink couch, heads leaning against the rather comfortable pillows as they nursed the rest of the bottle of prosecco.

   - Okay but I have a question ... - Y/N said, bringing her flute down. - Is it weird dating the same guy who kissed your great aunt?

   - Listen, Steve is a kissing whore. - she tried to say it with a straight face but ended up breaking into laughter. - It’s true. He’ll kiss anyone, unstoppable. The blonde girl from the army, my great aunt, Natasha. If it hadn’t been for me, Steve would be Captain Kisscam instead of Captain America. 

   - Captain Kisscam. What superpowers would he have? 

   - Making people kiss each other? No that sounds terrible. I don’t know ... to be honest what even is Steve’s superpower?

   - Ultimate ... - Y/N broke down laughing before she could continue. She put her hand in front of her chest, taking a deep breathe as she tried not to laugh at the joke in her head. - Ultimate frisbee.

   - You know? Sex on top of the shield? Terrible, so uncomfortable.

   - Sharon!

   - What? I was curious, it is a weirdly unbreakable shield, isn’t it? Besides, that’s not even the craziest thing we’ve done.

    - What’s the craziest thing you’ve done?

    - We did it at the Smithsonian.

    - SHARON! There’s children there. It’s ... a hall of science, and ... memorabilia ... and ... I don’t know, I’ve never been to the Smithsonian.

    - Oh, c’mon. What’s the craziest place where you and Bucky have done it?

    - You said Bucky, drink. - Y/N pointed her flute at Sharon.

    - So did you. Drink. - the two girls drank what was left over in the glasses, throwing them to the side. - Come on. Tell me.

    - I don’t know ... What are we counting as doing it?

    - 3rd base.

    - I do not understand bases. 

    - Handjobs don’t count. 

    - Oh ... then ... the parking lot of the set in his car. 

    - And the car didn’t break?

    - Come on, it’s not that old of a car.

    - It’s ancient, Y/N. - Sharon chuckled, passively looking at her watch to check on the time. - We should get going before the shop opens.

She went back into the dressing room to take off her wedding dress. It wasn’t until then she realised she was still wearing his dog tags, the cold metal against her warm skin, a side effect of the alcohol coursing through her veins. She was reminded of him again on that moment, wondered how he was doing, how he was feeling. She hoped and begged he was okay in her mind, and the memory of him haunted her mind even as she laid down in bed to go to sleep. There was a direct line from wedding gowns and dog tags to her fiance and wherever he was. Her blood distracted by the unhinging of the alcohol coursing along it, was filled with hate. Not for him but for his situation, for how helpless she was to helping him. 

She turned around in her bed, forcefully shutting her eyes as a way to ensure she went to sleep instead of dwelling on those thoughts. However, she simply didn’t have a choice to leave. As her consciousness dissolved into unconscious she woke up in the same bedroom but the environment was blurry, very highly saturated yet the colours were candy bright. However, the environment wasn’t inviting at all and soon broken through the candy bright atmosphere she could hear screaming. She tried to untangle herself from her sheets, running through the bedroom yet her movements were slow and her running was more like a slow motion run. She pushed open the door, coming face to face with the same candy coloured blurred bright world but in front of her was him but not him as she knew him. Not at least as she had known him. His hair was much longer, slightly past his jaw which was covered by a mask, a muffle. His clothing was restricting, the top almost resembling a straightjacket, as if he was dangerous. He was so close but so far away, on his knees with someone whose face was blurrier than the atmosphere itself.

   -  Don’t worry. - the blurred person’s voice was as distorted as the vision, mechanical even as he rose a gun up to the head of a Bucky Barnes she had never met. - We will help you.

   - NO! - she lunged forward as the gunshot echoed through her ears and like a rubber band she was pushed back to reality. She rose her torso from her bed in pure agony, eyes wide open and red, hand holding the sheet against her chest which rose up and down in fast paces.

Looking around, nothing was candy coloured and everything was clear. The room was dark in muddled shades barely lit by the moon light peaking from the small rips in the curtains Bucky had first gotten when he first moved in. Everything was as it was, his sleeping shorts were still hanging from the chair next to the dresser, the dead flowers were still in the vase he had once put them when they were fresh. Everything was as it was, yet she couldn’t shake the feeling that something bad was lurking. The feeling that both of them had just crossed the bridge past the point of no return. 

taglist: @disasterbii @lookiamtrying @buckysteveloki-me @americasass81 @jamesbarnesappreciationclub @lostinthebeans @mariahthelioness29 @oh-nohoney @peaches-roses-sins @theadorasabditory @sipsteacasually @saiyanprincessswanie @booktease21​ @noiralei​ @learisa​ @everythingisoverratedbutgreat​ @uglipotata72829​ @naturalthrone22​ @husherstan​ @mandiiblanche​ @vicmc624​ @newyorkgoddess​ @itsallyscorner​ @chipilerendi​ @emzd34 @writerwrites​ @bluevxnus​ @that-girl-named-alex​ @captnrogers​ @nsfwsebbie​ @sarge-barnes-sir​ @niki-is-a-thing​ @cynic-spirit​ 

[randomidiocyncrazies]

i know you like them both so yunichika and oda/aoki for the ship ask

thank you for giving me a chance to gush about these kids!!! they’re precious.... this got pretty long so imma put it under a cut

YuniChika, the main boys of 2.43:

• when or if I started shipping it:

tbh i didn’t really ship them when i read the first book... they’re the kind of pairing that i can see people shipping and i think it’s cute, but i’m not super invested in them as a romantic pairing. I think i was more sold about them as a ship in the second book, but i can’t quite remember if there was a specific moment that made me change my mind, or if it was a gradual process

• my thoughts:

i think the anime definitely played up the tension between them (allll the blushes lol), but i’m glad people are enjoying the YuniChika content XD they’re pretty cute!

also, i think they balance each other well and spur each other to become better—Yuni and Chika are both self-centered(?) in very different ways: Yuni lacks drive because he mostly wanted to please people so they’ll like him, while Chika has the opposite problem in that he acts like he doesn’t care what people think of him. 

but now Yuni is able to take a stand for his interest in volleyball and for Chika, and while Chika doesn’t really soften and still has a problem with not realizing how harsh he could be, he’s more willing to communicate his thoughts.

• what makes me happy about them:

boys reuniting! relearning how to have a relationship with one another! learning from past mistakes and trying to be better people together! HELL YEAH

• what makes me sad about them:

boys, please use your words to communicate with each other...

also, from Yuni’s perspective, it’s kinda sad when someone you used to know really well comes back into your life, but they’ve changed so much that they are essentially a different person... but of course they have a new opportunity to become closer now 😉 so i’m not that sad about it

• things done in art/fic that annoys me:

... there are fanworks for them????????? 

(on a more serious note, erasing their flaws to make them more likable... please don’t make Chika ‘secretly nice’ or whatever, the kid is blunt as hell, and not realizing how his words affect others is his biggest flaw. on the other hand, Yuni can still be a little spineless at times, and sometimes his priorities are. questionable.)

• things I look for in art/fic:

hm, i’d like a future fic about them as professional players! i think their inclination is to stick together (they’re a package deal!) but it’d be super interesting to read something where they’re on rival teams years down the line

EDIT: haha Chika actually transferred to Keisei High School after their first Spring Tournament, so he and Yuni have faced each other as rivals since then (2.43 next 4years). they’re go to the same university and are on the same team now though!

• who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other:

uh i don’t really have specific people for this, but Chika would probably have to be with someone who understands his love of volleyball (like Oda, but if Oda wasn’t their team captain and thus too much of a dad friend to qualify as a romantic interest), and someone who can inspire Yuni would be good for him

also, i know who i’d NOT be comfy about: the first book (and anime i guess) had this weird tension between Itoko and Yuni, COUSINS who BASICALLY GREW UP TOGETHER. i think(?) their weird whatever was mostly dropped in the 2nd book and wasn’t really made explicit, but like. what the hell. (i have no idea what happens beyond the 2nd book.)

• my happily ever after for them:

the YuniChika in college arc is being serialized rn, so in a way that’s already fulfilled? (i have NO idea what’s going on tho) 

in general i just hope they can play volleyball together until one or both decide not to, for whatever reason, and that they stay in each other’s lives and support each other even after they’ve retired from competitive volleyball. i think with Yuni’s personality he could be a good coach after getting more experience, and Chika... he’s really valuable as a strategist, but I think he’d always be a little brusque, so he’s respected but hard to bond with if he does take on coaching?

• what is their favorite non-sexual activity?

bold of you to assume Chika even cares about sex

anyway, they don’t go to movies for a romantic date night, they go watch volleyball matches. sometimes this backfires when Chika gets too frustrated at bad plays tho

and of course i will never pass up an opportunity to talk about Oda/Aoki, the main guys of my heart (my OTP for this series tbh):

• when or if I started shipping it:

they pinged on my radar when they were bickering in Ibara’s chapter, but i wasn’t super duper invested... and then I got to The Dog’s Perspective and the Giraffe’s Perspective (specifically The Kick™) and oh god i’ve never fallen so fast

• my thoughts: 

GOD WOW Aoki really loves Oda... even though objectively Oda’s height prevents him from being a super ace, he is the coolest, strongest super ace to Aoki. i think it’s beautiful that someone can see you as your best self even when you’re feeling shitty about yourself. Aoki knows that objectively Oda faces a lot of obstacles, and wants to support him as best as he can—not out of pity (pity would’ve burned out long ago), but because he really respects Oda’s passion and drive.

also, these two have unaddressed issues that they should talk about! Oda, i know you feel inferior but you are so much better than you think you are. please accept that Aoki really does respect you, and that you are worthy of it (or like, you don’t have to be ‘’���worthy’’’’ or ‘’’’’’deserving’’’’’’’’’’ of it, because it is Aoki’s choice to support you and play volleyball with you!!! it’s not something you gotta earn, it’s something freely and happily given to you)

(ahhhhhh i die when i think of them)

• what makes me happy about them: 

gosh i love their dynamic SO MUCH! Oda is exactly my type of character (passionate, determined, knowing that he can never be the best at what he’s passionate about due to factors he cannot control, trying to be kind and gracious but struggling with feelings of inferiority and jealousy, thinks of himself as a selfish person, a supporting character...) and Aoki’s devotion is really touching. 

again: even when you feel like crap about yourself, there’s someone out there who thinks you’re the best thing that happened to them.

there’s also the fact that Oda thinks the world of Aoki as well (to the point of feeling inferior, which is like... c’mon Oda :/ you are better than you think you are!) he trusts Aoki a lot, despite knowing his willingness to engage in, uh, underhanded methods

• what makes me sad about them: 

it’s their last year together, and they’d be approaching a new phase of their lives in different places... although Aoki offered to lower his rankings so they’d go to the same university, realistically they’ll go to different colleges, and most likely end up in different prefectures. (like, not only do i think it’s a Terrible Idea to give up your dream school so that you could stay with someone else, there is no way Oda would accept the offer without being crushed by guilt. something like that would actually ruin their relationship, which i think Aoki knows as well.)

there’s also a lot left unsaid between them at this point and i just want them to lay everything out between them and move forward together

• things done in art/fic that annoys me: 

the fact that there’s NONE >:[ what does a gal have to do to get some content for them???????

• things I look for in art/fic: 

at this point anything is fine.... it’s a desert out there and i’m dying

more specifically i’m Extremely Down for a get together fic; i personally only see them getting together after high school, at least several months (or even longer) studying in different prefectures and no longer able to see each other every day. (i mean... absence makes the heart grow fonder right?)

i’d also love to see Oda using Aoki’s first name, considering Aoki calls him “Shin” and all. Oda managing to surprise/fluster Aoki would be nice too.

EDIT: they’re both in the Kansai region (2.43 next 4years prologue). Oda’s revealed to be studying in Osaka, and assuming Aoki got into KyoDai, they should be around 2 hours away from each other by train? so visiting each other over short breaks would be cute! also, apparently Oda took a gap year before going to Osaka (2.43 next 4years Ch 1.2), so something set during that time would also be awesome :V

• who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: 

hm... if i had to imagine people well-suited to them, i’d say Aoki’s type is people who are straightforwardly passionate about their interests (Oda hooked him with his unbridled love of volleyball way back in their first year of high school after all), and I think Oda probably needs someone who is willing to indulge him a little (like Chika he can be pretty dang determined about what he wants, though without the single-minded intensity at the expense of everything else)

... this is just a roundabout way of saying i think they’re ideal for each other, especially if they resolve the problem of hiding things from the other

• my happily ever after for them: 

they get careers/hobbies they enjoy, and get a place together as boyfriends/husbands. no i will not hear any criticism of this idea

i can see Aoki working in the private sector (this guy is fine with ‘joking’ about blackmail after all!) after getting his law degree. this is super self-indulgent, but given his penchant of rooting for passionate but objectively disadvantaged entities, i think it’d be pretty awesome if he works for a smaller company that truly believes in their work, instead of working at a big firm pulling in big bucks.

while I’m not sure what Oda is canonically studying, I can see him going into sports education or sports therapy—i think he’d be really good at nurturing the talents of other athletes, and he’s good at rallying the team (Aoki pretty much says he’s the heart of the team in the epilogue of the first book, though Aoki’s kiiinda biased lol). i think it’d be really cute if Oda coaches a grade school team!

neither plays volleyball competitively after high school, but sometimes they watch matches for fun (esp if their ex-teammates are playing). Oda also makes Aoki come to his students’ matches if he doesn’t have work

EDIT: apparently Oda continues competing as a wing spiker in college, playing in Kaisai’s 2nd Collegiate Division (2.43 next 4years Ch 1.2)—Aoki probably watches his matches, even when he’s busy (and Oda probably chides him for neglecting his work, but they both know Aoki can manage his workload).

• what is their favorite non-sexual activity?

hm... idk, i think they’re the kind of couple who are cool with just chilling with each other doing their own work. like, Oda planning strategies for the kids he’s coaching while Aoki reads next to him, occasionally glancing over to make comments, stuff like that

also since Oda says they mostly talked about volleyball during high school, I can kinda see them finding something new they both enjoy after they get together? Maybe shounen manga, for something fun

[stilloutofmyvulcanmind]

A Happy Little Christmas

Pairing: Jason Todd x Reader

Characters: Jason Todd, Reader

Word Count: 3.2k

Warnings: Talk of cheating ex’s, mostly fluff. So much fluff.

Summary: Not many people could say they’re friends with the Red Hood, but you could, even if it came about in an unusual way. But after a shitty start to Christmas, you realize there may be more feelings going unspoken.

A/N: This idea popped into my head over the weekend, and wouldn’t leave until I wrote it down! My first Jason fic!

It started in the new year. You'd been sitting under the small alcove on the rooftop of your apartment building, drinking tea as you watched the snowfall and enjoying the peace when he'd sprung up and landed in front of you. You hadn't screamed, but your tea nearly spilled which earned him a telling off. He had just looked at you, though you swore you heard a chuckle, then took off at a sprint, leaping off the edge and out of sight. 

It happened again a few weeks later. Same scenario, though this time you kept a firmer grasp on the tea. That time he spoke, saying that most people ran away when he appeared. You had shrugged, asking if he wanted something to drink. There had been a moment of silence before he laughed like you'd told the funniest joke. Then he said no and disappeared into the night once again. 

It just kept happening. Sporadic at first. Sometimes he'd appear a few times a week, other times it would be near a month. Each time you offered him a drink. Each time he found the whole thing amusing and declined. 

Until the summer when he showed up out of breath, no doubt near-boiling under his outfit in the muggy Gotham night. You'd offered some of the iced tea, and to your surprise, he'd accepted. 

And that was how you became tea drinking pals with the damned Red Hood. 

Things became a bit more regular after that. No schedule but you nearly always saw him once a week. It was kinda weird. Being friends with the guy the majority of Gotham's underworld was terrified of. 

But with you, he was kind of a dork. 

Proven when he'd spent near two hours ranting about an awful Shakespeare adaptation he'd watched. The fact that you were able to rant with him seemed to just spur him on more. 

You looked forward to those nights. Even if it was barely an hour before he got called away. You didn't know his name, or what he looked like minus the domino mask, but you'd gleaned enough small details about him and given away enough about yourself to see him as a friend. 

Christmas Eve came and you hadn't seen him since the start of the month. He'd been away doing something important, he'd told you as much prior to his leaving, mostly so you didn't end up worrying over a sudden absence. He said he'd be back by Christmas, but honestly, you weren't really expecting to see him. 

You'd learned enough over the months to know that the rest of Gotham's vigilantes were about the only family he had, even if he did seem to be fighting the Bat just as often as he helped him. The history you didn't know, but you figured if he was going to be anywhere, he'd be with them. 

So when he landed silently in the snow it was a surprise. When he slipped on a patch of slush and landed face first in said snow, it was even more of a surprise. 

You snorted so hard you nearly choked on the hot cocoa you were drinking. He bolted up, hand going to the gun strapped to his thigh. He saw you and relaxed immediately. 

"Often find people falling funny, angel?" He asked, boots crunching in the thick layer of snow as he walked towards you. 

"Usually? No. When it's someone like you? Fucking hilarious."

You could just imagine his eyes narrowing under the red helmet. 

Hood stepped under the alcove, brushing the snow off his jacket, and removing the helmet so he was down to just the black domino. You poured out some of the coca into a spare cup you'd brought just out of habit and handed it over once he'd taken a seat next to you. 

"Cinnamon flavor? Fancy."

"Felt like splashing out." You sipped at your own, enjoying the warmth that seeped into you. "Things go okay?" 

"Without a hitch."

"Good. Didn't get hurt then?"

He looked at you moment then shook his head. "Nah. Why? You worry about me, angel?" 

You felt yourself blush, grateful that any change of skin color could be put down to the cold. "Who else am I gonna bitch about shitty TV adaptations to?" 

Hood laughed, head tilted back. "Don't worry about me. I'll always be around for that."

You fell silent, watching the falling snow that soon masked the evidence of his arrival. It was nice having him back. You'd missed him, but until now you hadn't quite realized how much. 

"Gotta admit I wasn't expecting you to be here tonight. Weren't you meant to be skipping town with your betrothed?" Hood asked after several minutes of peaceful quiet. 

"Yeah," you sighed, looking down into your half-empty mug. "Showing up to your fiancé's apartment to find him in bed with his girlfriend tends to change plans."

In the corner of your eye, you spotted Hood's hand clench a little tighter around his cup. "Son of a bitch."

"Exactly what I said," you laughed, the sound coming out hollow. 

"Tell me where he is and I'll pay him a visit, teach him a lesson, break a few bones. For you, I'll even make him disappear."

Maybe you should've been shocked or disturbed at the offer, but you weren't. If anything it actually helped to know Hood had your back like that. "Two weeks ago and I might've taken you up on that. But he's had enough punishment. Turns out his other girlfriend didn't know he was engaged, so she dumped his ass, and when his family heard they uninvited him, so he's not the only one with a wrecked Christmas."

Hood hummed, still sounding unhappy. "If he comes near you again I'm finding him anyway."

"He comes around again and I won't try and stop you."

"So you really don't have any other plans for tomorrow?" 

You shook your head, "I could've gone to my family, but it was impossible to get a ticket that didn't cost a small fortune. It doesn't matter. Not the first Christmas by myself and I doubt it'll be the last."

"Well, you've got my handsome self to keep you company."

You chuckled, nudging his shoulder with your own playfully. "Speaking of handsome." You said, dipping into your pocket and pulling out the twenty-five bucks you had stashed in it. "Here, your half of the bet win. Thanks for letting me snap that photo."

"The non-candid, candid," he laughed in return, taking the cash. "Can't believe you bet that I was handsome under the helmet."

Shrugging a shoulder you smiled, "They started it. Now there's a whole conversation on who's more handsome, you or Nightwing."

"I'm sure I know how those conversations go. With an ass like his it always only goes one way."

"You've always got me in your corner."

"Really?" 

"Course."

Hood smiled and you wished you could see his eyes to see what he was thinking. He was looking at you, and even with the mask, it was difficult not to squirm away from the intensity. He leaned in closer and your breath caught. 

Then he was pulling back, hand coming to his ear. "I'm two blocks away, I can be there in five," he said in response to whatever the person in his ear told him. He dropped his hand and set the empty cup down. "Gotta go."

You'd already guessed. Hardly the first time. "It was good seeing you."

He smiled again and nodded before pulling the red helmet back on. "See you around." A mock salute and he was taking off at a run towards the edge of the roof. 

"Hey, Red!" You called suddenly, dashing out under the alcove after him. He paused at the edge and looked back at you. "Be careful, alright? This Christmas has been shit enough without you getting hurt."

"Just for you, angel." And he was gone, disappearing into the night once again. 

~

Christmas Day was as dull as you'd expected it to be. The first part of the day was spent flopped on the sofa watching dumb Christmas movie after dumb Christmas movie. It wasn't bad necessarily but didn't exactly fill you with fun Christmas spirit either. 

It was mid-afternoon when someone knocked at your door. You were tempted to ignore it, but the curiosity of who would be calling at random on Christmas got the best of you. 

"I…how did you know which flat was mine?" 

Hood stood on the other side, sans helmet, with an eyebrow raised. "Wasn't hard to find the tenant roster. Merry Christmas to you too by the way."

Right. You stepped aside to let him in. "Second question; what are you doing here?" 

He held up the bag he was holding. "Swiped a couple plates of food for us."

"You...what?" 

"We do this thing where we get together with way too much food, eat some of it and usually end up arguing within two hours. Figured this year I'd shake it up."

"You ditched them? To be here?"

"They didn't mind. The Bat even graced us with one of the good bottles of wine."

You were quiet. He'd given up time with his family to be with you instead. Even if they argued that was still a big thing. A big choice. One you wouldn't make for just anybody. 

"I can go if you'd rather." He actually looked a little nervous. 

"No! No, that sounds perfect. Thank you."

He smiled, glanced around the apartment then made a beeline for the kitchenette. You didn't even need to tell him to make himself at home. He did that all by himself. He pulled out the containers of food he'd brought, immediately shushing you when you offered to help. 

So you sat, watching as he moved around, occasionally pointing him in the right direction of utensils he needed. He looked at ease, normal almost without the guns. Or most of them. He had one hidden under his jacket that was revealed when he shrugged it off. If he'd been completely unarmed you would've suspected a body snatcher situation though. You only wished he didn't have the mask on still. 

Though maybe that was for the best. It would be too personal, and you weren't entirely sure you could handle personal. 

In the months you'd known him you'd only ever seen him as a friend. Yeah, you admitted he was handsome, but never thought of him like that. You'd loved your fiancé, and it never entered your head to stray. But then the break up happened, and in the last couple of weeks, you'd found yourself thinking about Hood more. In the long lonely nights, you'd wished for him to be next to you. Wished he'd come home early, find you crying and hug you so tight you could barely breathe. The thoughts had trailed to him kissing you, touching you. You'd tried to brush the thoughts off, told yourself it was just a fantasy your broken heart wanted. But seeing him the previous night, the way he'd leaned in…maybe it wasn't a fantasy. 

Hood finished doing up the two plates and drew you back from your thoughts. 

You set up the table and popped open the bottle of wine. It really was a good bottle, confirming the theory you had that the Bat definitely had some money behind him. Just as you were done pouring the glasses, he came around you and placed the plates down. 

"Whoever made this deserves a damned medal," you groaned after the first bite. 

He laughed, "I'll pass it on."

The meal was delicious, the company even better. It was relaxed with him, and you realized you'd never quite felt at home with someone as you did with Hood. It made you wonder what it would be like if you fully knew each other.

Cleaning up together was easy. You moved around the other without issue, making short work of the dirty dishes. "Thank you for this, Red. It's been good," you said, turning to hand him the rest of his wine. 

He nodded, watching you a moment. "It's Jason."

That was unexpected. You smiled, holding out your glass to his. "Good to meet you, Jason."

He clinked the glass and finished what was left in it. For a second you thought he was going to say more, but then he pulled back out of your space. "C'mon. The Muppets Christmas Carol is showing in a bit."

You laughed because of course he liked that. You joined him on the sofa, throwing him the remote for him to get the right channel. His arm found its way across your shoulders, and somehow you found yourself leaning on his chest. 

He was warm and comfy and you were full and happy, so you really couldn't be blamed when you fell to sleep. 

You woke up by yourself, head resting on the arm of the sofa with a blanket up to your shoulders. You rubbed at your eyes, finding your phone on the coffee table to check the time. It was surprisingly late. Jason was probably long gone. You tried to push the disappointment that you'd missed him away. 

"Good nap, sleeping beauty?" 

Nearly jumping out of your skin, you sat up to see Jason at the kitchen island with a glass of water. 

"Thought you were gone."

"Nah. Took the night off so unless I'm needed, I'm free, and didn't want to up and leave without saying goodbye."

You smiled, keeping the blanket wrapped around you as you clambered off the sofa. "You could've woken me."

"You looked peaceful." He stood, pouring you some water of your own. You could feel him eye you up as you drank like he was weighing something up. "Do you trust me?" 

The question was a surprise, but you didn't even need to think of the answer. "Completely."

"A lot would say not to."

"Screw those people."

"I'm dangerous. I've killed people."

"Bad people. Jason, I know this. I knew it before we even met."

"Yet you still offered me tea."

"Because I trusted you. It's never been a doubt that I could."

Jason smiled, "Thank you."

"Where'd this come from?" 

He sighed, pausing a moment. "I needed to know, for sure, before-" he reached up and peeled off the domino mask, letting it flutter to the floor. 

Holy shit he was handsome. The mask had only been covering his eyes but it had been hiding so much. Jason was gorgeous, beautiful, but it wasn't just that that was tugging at your heart. It was the fact that he'd just trusted you with his entire fucking identity. You wondered how many outside of the vigilante group knew. You doubted there were many if any. 

Reaching up you carefully brushed one of the curls that were flopping into his eyes away. "Thank you. For trusting me."

"I can count the number of people I trust on one hand. You're one of them, angel."

"And I won't break it, I promise." Your hand came to rest on his cheek, and he actually leaned into it. "Guess I was right after all. You are the handsome one."

Jason laughed, "Don't let Nightwing hear you say that. You'll hurt his feelings."

"Don't care. I'm not in the habit of lying."

"How honest of you." Jason stepped closer, into your space fully, one hand coming to land on your hip. "You're beautiful, Y/N."

You blushed, turning your head away. "Not beautiful enough to stop the person meant to love me fucking someone else."

"Hey, look at me." His free hand came to tilt your head up. "You are beautiful and if that bastard was too fucking blind to see it, that's on him, not you. He didn't deserve you, and you're better off without him. The fact that he willingly threw what you had away...it makes me angry. If you were-" Jason cut himself off suddenly. 

"If I were what?"

He swallowed, "If you were mine…I'd make sure I told you how much I loved you every single day. I'd do everything I could to make you happy, to make sure you stayed happy. I'd go to the end of the world and back to ensure it. And if I couldn't, if there was a problem that meant I couldn't make you smile and laugh, I'd fix it. No matter what it took. I'd treat you the way you deserve to be, love you the way you should be loved, and never hurt you because that would be worse than hurting myself. If you were mine seeing you smile would be the best part of my day. Knowing that I was keeping you safe would give me even more reason to keep doing what I do, and knowing I was coming home to you would be my reason for making sure I did it and stayed alive."

He stopped and it was then you realized that your cheeks were wet. Jason took a breath and looked away. "Sorry. You've been through enough, I shouldn't have said-"

You kissed him. Tangled your fingers in his curls and kissed him. Hard. His arms wrapped around you on instinct, pressing you close to his body. 

"Y/N-"

"No one…no one's ever spoken to me like that, said those things. Do...do you…?"

"Yeah." The word came out a whisper. "But Y/N, you just got out of a relationship, I don't want to push you into another."

"Have I ever seemed the type of person to be pushed into something? Maybe I should need more time, and if I didn't know you, didn't trust you, I'd probably turn and run. But the truth is I want this. I want you. I'm just surprised you want me back."

"I've wanted you for months. Just never said anything. Wasn't planning to either. Especially not today, so soon after. My only intention coming here was to make you happy."

"And you succeeded."

A hand cupped your cheek, those stunning eyes meeting yours, "You're sure? About this?" 

"I've never been more sure." You leaned in for another kiss, clutching at his shoulders with a squeak when you suddenly found yourself being hoisted up onto the kitchen counter, with Jason between your legs.

"Sure like kissing me, babydoll, and you don't even have any mistletoe. Pretty sure that's against Christmas rules," he teased, pressing his forehead to yours. 

"We can stop if you feel so strongly about it."

Jason nipped at your bottom lip, then trailed kisses along your jaw and up to your ear. "Angel, I have every intention of kissing you for as long as you'll let me, mistletoe be damned."

"Good." Turning your head you caught him in another kiss, smiling into it. You weren't even sure the last time you'd felt this damned happy. How things had gone from the worst to this in just a couple weeks, you didn't know, or what you'd done to deserve such luck. But you were never going to complain. Not when you had Jason kissing you with such ferocious tenderness you were sure you were going to melt. 

Breaking the kiss and pulling back enough to look up at him, you grinned. "I'm pretty sure I might have an old bunch in the bedroom though."

Jason returned the grin, hands coming to grip your thighs as he lifted you from the counter with ease. "Merry Christmas, babe."

"Merry Christmas, babe."

Like what you read? Consider buying me a coffee! (I’ll love you forever!)

Tagging: @musikat18 @sagyunaro @i-stand-sebastian-stan @samleerandom @everyday-imfangirling

[soyeahitsmiddleearth]

Dimension Jumping pt. 2

The Fellowship x Reader

Fluffy pants, creepy coworkers, and grocery lists. Fun times

Trigger warning: mentions of stalker.

After that kind of rocky introduction and confusing explanation of their quest and what they were doing exactly (also what happened to their wizard ‘Gandalf’) things began to work out better. 

At first, they were in a kind of panic since they aren’t able to destroy that ring thing if they’re in your world, but then you reminded them that they can’t destroy it, and this Sauron guy can’t get it. 

This seems to ease their worries a bit. 

It was very easy for you to get along with the two blond 'hobbit’ cousins Merry and Pippin, and Samwise is a wonderful help in the kitchen. Mr. Legolas kinda just awkwardly stands around most of the time (he doesn’t sleep apparently), while the 'dwarf’, Gimli, likes to bother said 'elf’ which you find to be quite amusing. The two actual human dudes seem to be the more authoritative figures here, so they help to keep everyone in check and ensure they don’t break anything.

Penny has, quite literally, fallen in love with that brown-haired bastard Aragorn, and you’ve sworn that if he breaks her little fluffy heart you’re going to fucking murder him. Lucky for him, it seems he is quite fond of her in return since he sometimes sits idly on your couch with her laying across his lap. This asshole must have dog treats in his pocket or something because there’s no way she would ditch you for some scraggly handsome stranger like in the movies. 

Of course, you don’t complain about it or anything, rather you just leave it and enjoy the fact that Penny is happy (while silently plotting his painful murder in your mind). 

You also had to show them how to work the bathroom, and after they got over their initial shock and awestruck, they all bathed (thank god for your poor nose) and you offered to go get them more clothes later on so you can figure out how to wash theirs.

Overall, it seems that everything is going smoothly and will continue to do so. 

You have yet to give them a chance to mess with your laptop or phone (or even the TV), but mostly because you’re afraid they’ll die of shock. 

Before you know it a week has passed, and not only are they still in your damn home but they’re so freaking well-behaved and polite you actually find yourself not wanting them to go. 

“Why do you wear those fluffy pants?” The sweet little Pippin asks. 

Everyone insists he and his cousin are mischievous little monsters, but you find them to be nothing but adorable and polite. “Because, my dear boy, they are really freaking comfortable. I’m gonna go to the store later and get all of you a pair. They will change your lives." 

His eyes grow wide at your overly dramatic description of fluffy pants and he suddenly seems excited, "Really? Some for all of us?" 

You nod your head with a bright smile on your face, lifting your leg up for him to touch it. "Feel how nice they are!" 

When Pippin places his hand on the soft, fuzzy fabric he looks surprised, "I don’t think I’ve felt trousers so soft before!" 

"Fluffy pants, Pippin. They’re called fluffy pants." 

"Fluffy pants.” He repeats in confirmation. 

His cousin, Merry, chose then to walk into the room, and when he sees the two of you he looks confused. “Pip, what are you doing?" 

"Oh! Merry, come here and feel these!” He exclaims, not bothering to answer his question. 

Merry does as he says, albeit hesitantly, but when his hands touch that miracle fabric he looks just as shocked, “You’ve got such peculiar clothing… I like it." 

"Well, I was just telling my buddy over here that I’m going to get everyone some and absolutely ruin your wardrobe since you’ll never want to wear anything but these ever again.” You tell him smugly, jumping to your feet suddenly, “Oh, I’ve gotta go do something. Keep an eye on Penny for me, won’t you?" 

Yeah, they don’t need to since she’s busy sleeping on a napping Aragorn, but you ask nonetheless. 

You retreat to another room and begin to organize the things you moved from your guest bedroom, wanting everything to be less cluttered while they stay here. 

The air mattress had to come out and everything because of how many there are, but you don’t mind a little extra work for some companionship in response. Heaven knows you need someone to keep you out of your own head.

While you’re neatening things, the blond elf guy walks in and observes you for a few moments, saying nothing and kinda just standing there. You turn after a minute or so and look at him questioningly, "Is there something I can help you with?" 

He doesn’t say anything right away, and so you grab a couple of books and straighten them while you wait. 

"What are you doing?” He asks instead of answering you (a very Pippin move). 

Despite your heart wanting you to be sarcastic in your reply you answer him seriously, “I’m cleaning up a bit since I had to take all of this stuff out of my guest room. It’s kinda messy if you couldn’t tell." 

You wipe your hands on your fluffy pants and smile at him. "I’m almost done. Did you need me for something?" 

He actually acknowledges your question this time with a shake of his head, "No. I wanted to see if you require any assistance." 

Ah, that makes sense. He definitely seems like the helpful type. 

"Oh, well some help would be nice. Maybe you could move those boxes,” you point to some cardboard boxes in the corner of the closet you shoved everything into, “over there.” You then point to a shelf that is mostly empty. 

He nods again and goes to do just that right away, and you go back to sorting through a box full of papers.

“What made you allow us to stay?” He suddenly inquires, lifting the boxes you asked for help with easily. 

You’re a bit surprised at his engagement in conversation and the topic he chose, but you answer despite that. “Well like I said before, I know a group of sad saps when I see it… I didn’t know you’d lost your friend, but I could tell something wasn’t right. And… I don’t know, your hobbits looked so hungry and tired, I couldn’t kick you all out and keep a clean conscience.” It’s true, but what you leave out is the desire you had for some company. Penny is more than enough, but recently you’ve been feeling lonely and inadequate, so you jumped on the opportunity to be useful in your monotone life. 

“There’s something you’re not saying.” He says it like a statement rather than a question, and while he’s right you only shrug. 

“My reasons are my own, but what I told you is my main explanation. Take it or leave it.” You don’t mean to act so cold and aloof, but the thinking about your flaws and recently depressive state only serves to dampen your mood. 

“I meant not to offend, I apologize if upset you. I was only curious." 

You smile at him over your shoulder apologetically yourself, "No, don’t say sorry. I’m just a bit cranky is all, haven’t been getting much sleep." 

He can tell that’s not the truth, but he nods anyway and lets it drop. 

Suddenly the sound of Penny barking reaches your ears, and you sigh knowing that someone is probably at the door. 

When she abruptly stops, you pause and decide to finish with the last small stack you have before going out to check.

Big mistake.

Once you walk out of the storage closet, you’re met with the sight of two hiding hobbits, and Aragorn at the  freaking  door. Your eyes widen in horror, and you turn and close the door in Legolas’ face before he can exit. 

When the door slams, someone pokes their head around the tall 'ranger’ and smiles. 

"Oh, Y/N there you are!" 

Uh oh, he’s not supposed to be there. 

"B-Brian, hey, what… what are you doing here?” You ask slowly, walking over to try and diffuse whatever situation is going on here. “I didn’t even know you knew my address…" 

He smiles brightly despite that and waves his hand, "Don’t worry about it, the boss gave it to me and told me to check up on you! You haven’t been answering your messages and this is the most work you’ve missed in the past, like, 4 years.” His tone is bright and cheery, but you can see behind that mask of pleasantries is nothing but a prying brat who has to know everything 24/7. 

You ignore your dark thoughts and simply smile at him in return, “Yes, well I’ve been very busy. And, actually, I texted Marissa about my absence for the week ahead of time, so I don’t see why she would send you. She told me that I can work from home until I’m ready to come back.” You never liked Brian. Much too nosy and too much of a snake for your liking.

You pull your phone out of your pocket and see that you have… holy shit, 43 missed messages? All from Brian? Ew, okay, that’s weird. 

But you decide not to comment on it.

“Right, well, who is this? I haven’t seen him before." 

Shoot. 

You look up at the brown-haired man sharply, then back at Brian. "W-Who, him? Oh, this is just my… boy…friend… Ara- Er, Aaron. He’s, uh, staying here because his house burned down.” God, you’re a horrible liar, but you try to keep your face straight either way. “Who he is doesn’t matter, I’m kinda busy right now so if you could just…" 

You go to close the door, but he only steps a bit closer, "Wait-! I didn’t know you have a boyfriend!” His expression is more panic stricken now, and dare I say upset,

Ughhhhh  fucking Brian . 

Suddenly a voice pipes up from behind you, “Is there an issue over here?" 

Oh great, another challenger has appeared, and his name is freaking Boromir. 

"Wait, who is this then?” His countenance goes kinda sour, “Your other boyfriend?" 

You face-palm and slowly drag your hand down your cheek, groaning internally at his horrible timing (also electing to ignore Brian’s bitter comment). "This is… Aaron’s druggie brother, Bo…Beau. He likes meth.”

Brian looks alarmed at your mention of him being a meth head, but you only smile and internally kick yourself for coming up with something like that . “You have crackheads staying at your house?! With how you’ve been recently?! S-Should I-" 

You only shake your head once and slam your hand on the wall, "Brian, I am a big girl, and big girls don’t need their  coworkers  to keep them safe. I’ve been nice, but what I do is literally none of your fucking business, so leave me alone or I’ll call Marissa and tell her about,” you pause and lean forward, whispering with a faux sweet voice, “The janitors closet…" 

His face goes pale at the mention of the horrid sight you’d walked into that one faithful Tuesday, and he nods his head in understanding, "R-Right, sorry to bother you! I’ll uh, get going now then. Enjoy your break!" 

He’s gone before you even close the door. 

You simply stare at the closed door for a few moments, trying to process what the hell just happened.

"Miss Y/N?” Merry calls from behind the couch. “What did he mean by 'how you’ve been’? Are you alright?" 

Unable to keep your cool, you reach up and bury your fingers in your hair and groan loudly from frustration, "Ugh! Fucking Brian! Why did you have to open the door to that loser!?” You yell incredulously, pulling on your hair rather harshly. You don’t even entertain the idea of answering that question.

Aragorn seems surprised by your sudden angry outburst, so much so that he steps back and bumps against the wall. 

“He’s always in my damn business! Acting like I haven’t caught him doing  unmentionable  things in that closet! Why him? Why did you think it was a good idea to open the door?!” You don’t mean to yell or to get so angry, but it’s almost like a splash of cold water in the face. A reminder that things are temporary and unexplainable to outsiders. “He’s such a stalker! God, this is going to come back and bite me in the ass!”

You drag your hands down your face and simply stand there for a moment, ignoring all the people gathering in your living room to stare at their mental brake-down having hostess.

“I apologize, I-I didn’t mean to-” Woah he actually trips over his words.

Before he can finish his apology you raise a hand up in a silencing motion. ���No, shut up. Don’t apologize I’m not actually mad at you.” It sounds like you are, but you aren’t.

If you were looking at him, you’d see that he visibly relaxes. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to yell I just… he frustrates me. I’m not angry at any of you, I promise.” You drop your hands back to your side and stare at the door for a few moments before turning and walking back into the living room.

“You’re kind of scary,” Sam states from Frodo’s side at the entrance of the kitchen. 

You look over at the two and furrow your eyebrows, “Scary? Me? No way. Just a little irritated.” If anything they’re the scary ones, with their swords and evil ring and all that. 

You glance back at the dark-haired man still at the front door and bite your lip, “I’m really sorry." 

A small and forgiving smile creeps onto his face, and you feel relieved right away. "Perhaps I shouldn’t have opened the door." 

This earns a small laugh and nod from you, "Now that freak thinks you’re my homeless male friend and he’s your drugged up brother. Not a very good reputation.” You don’t bother going over calling him your boyfriend in a panic - if they even know what it means in the first place. 

Suddenly ever innocent Pippin asks, “What’s meth?" 

Lord save your soul. 

—

After explaining to everyone what meth is and how you straight up just called Boromir a doped up loser to someone none of them know, you all have a good laugh. And once you’re all done laughing, you join Sam in the kitchen and notice that he’s taken an inventory of your kitchen. 

"Hello, chef Ramsay. What can I do for you?” You ask with a cheery smile, watching him go through your cupboard while literally standing on the counter with Frodo watching from the floor. 

“Who is chef Ramsay?” Sam asks, looking down at you from his leveraged spot on the counter. 

Oh, right, the poor soul doesn’t know the meme. 

“Nobody, what are you up to?” You change the subject quickly, a part of you hoping he approves of your kitchen. 

“Well… your shelves are lacking a lot. And your… what did you call it, fridge? It is basically empty. What do you eat all week?" 

You don’t reply right away, staring holes into him at his obviously spotty memory. "Well, Sam the thing is, I am one woman, and this one woman didn’t think she’d need to buy groceries for 8 men who all eat like they haven’t seen food for the past week… every meal." 

"So then perhaps we should go shopping!” He exclaims, closing the cabinet and hopping back down to the tiled floor. 

Excuse me, did he just say 'we’? Uh, yeah no.

You shake your head quickly, “No, Sam there aren’t people like you in my world. I can’t take you." 

His face falls and he looks around at the kitchen, crestfallen, "But I can’t tell you what to get if I don’t go…" 

Aw… he looks so sad. It makes your heart pang uncomfortably, and you find that you wanna make him smile again. "Here, I’ll tell you what. I’ll get some paper and a pen, and you can write down everything you want me to get on that. How does that sound?”

Almost immediately he perks up and nods his head, “Oh, that sounds wonderful!" 

Bingo. 

"Did you hear that Mr. Frodo? She said she’ll get whatever we want! Come help me make the list!” Okay, maybe this wasn’t a good idea. 

You gather the things you promised from a drawer to your right, then hand them down to him. “Here you are, dear. Take your time, and I’ll go tomorrow. And don’t forget to ask everyone else what they want.”

Hopefully, you won’t live to regret this. 

Without further ado, he rushes out of the kitchen calling for Merry and Pippin. 

These fellas are going to bankrupt you… but if you get to see those happy smiles again, then it’s definitely worth it. 

[descendantofthesparrow]

my version of the d3 timeline

okay so with d3 being out, im going to say something

I thought the timeline would be different.

so here's mine

starts off with good to be bad, obvi

then the choosing of the kids

engagement 

vks go get the kids

they pick up the four, but instead of the isle crowd being exited, they’re mad, they want to go to auradon too!!! they shouldn't have to wait around till another vk day (this is back when we all thought isle people would only be chosen annually) so the car speeds out of there, and the now just rejected crowd stands behind the car as it exits

hades.

queen of mean

Audrey grabs the scepter, a plan in mind, but because she is not maleficents blood, she falls into a deep sleep, and in a final bit of magic, makes the scepter and crown disappear from her grasp, and she teleports herself to her bed, making it seem like someone else spelled her

now its the mal ben talk, beast suggests closing the barrier for good, both mal and ben are against it, more ben than mal, but mal soon agrees, bens disappointed, but “understands” then he gets his phone call about the crown and scepter being stolen.

beast suggests uma, mal agrees, Ben = uma protection squad

mal tells evie, the exact same scene happens except with more, “kids who want to go back and see their bothers and sisters, or their parents, we’re just going to take that away from them?!”

mal asks evie “E, since when was any parent good on the isle”

“smee” “that's tight, he never did anything but he certainly never stopped anything” “dr facilier” “he was crap to Freddie, he really only likes Celia” “lefou” “again, never really did anything, but never stopped anything”

evie just sits there, trying to come up with an argument, “what about food, if no one goes in or out, what about the barges?” “the goblins grab that remember, no one actually goes in or out, they just reach across the barrier” evie just looks devastated, while there are a lot of bad parents on the isle, some of them are a lot better than others, like Anastasia, dizzy had said multiple times that she wanted to go back to see her auntie, the one who raised her. then the scene goes on like normal.

then the getting ready for janes party scene.

that's when mal gets a call from ben

“Audreys been spelled, her grandmas been trying to wake her up to no avail.”

mal rushes to head over to the dorms, she gets there, seeing Audrey motionless on her bed.

then either she or FG runs a diagnostics on Audrey, revealing that this was a curse of the scepter.

“the only thing more powerful than the scepter is Hades ember”

mal heads back to Evie's house, telling them all about what was going down, and they needed to go back to the isle for hades ember. mal is about to head inside to get changed when magic strikes her, spelling her into an old hag.

the scene goes on like the movie, but instead of Audrey being there, they think its uma behind all of this. 

cut to Audrey, Audrey is awake, and she has the scepter and crown, she releases her sleeping spell at janes party, jane goes underwater, she calls Ben, telling him about Audrey. 

ben tries to call mal, but she's on the isle, no cell phone service.

mal and gang head to the isle to grab the ember, Celia tagging along, they go to the arcade to get key, the tv plays the same scene, they still think its uma behind it all, then the same pirate stealing bikes scene.

mal tries to get the ember, but hades catches her doing so, and FYI, hades is NOT mals dad in this version, he asks what she wants, she says she needs it to break a spell, one song later (a hard rock version of do what you gotta do, with no daddy issues shit) hades only agrees to give it to mal IF, his son hadie comes off the isle next. mal “I can't do that” “well then~, I guess no ember for you” procedes to walk away, mal breaks, agreeing to his plan.

mal now has ember, but hades warns her only gods/demigods can use the ember, and she would need either him or another god to use it for her

“ill take my chances” “if it gets wet its game over”

cut to ben and Audrey scene. Audrey curses ben to beast mode. but does not turn FG into stone yet. 

the core four + Celia exit the isle, mal goes though her little blue up, but Celia bumps her arm, causing the ember to go flying through the air, right into umas grasp.

in the background, harry and gil are rejoicing.

“it can't get wet! give it back before it goes out!!”

“why? you won't be able to use it, either way, ~ only a god or demi-god can use it...and oh~ your not one, but...I am~”

mal is stubborn not wanting to team up with uma, evie rationalizes with her, “M shes right, we need a god to use the ember, and we have one right in front of us”

“but shes the one who cast the curse in the first place remember?” “mal shes offering an out right now, if we just go along with it she might back off”

“uggg.....fine”

uma cackles, but says one more thing “if you want my help....open the barrier for harry and gil”

jay growls but opens the barrier anyway, the boys don't even wait before jumping though.

uma cackles, releasing her transformation, mal yelps out a no, the ember was gonna get wet. 

uma reappears on the bridge, harry nearly tackles her, but he remains mostly calm, gil is just like a retriever tho.

the scene continues on like in the movie, with some exceptions.

“uma give me the ember, I need that to break a spell”

Carlos: “yeah one cast by you” 

confused uma is confused “what spell? I didn't cast any spell”

the core four are now stunned, “what? but you cursed Audrey to sleep with my mother's scepter-’

“hold it right there dragon breath, if I used the scepter...wouldnt I be asleep right now? cuz im not maleficents blood, only your mom or you can touch it remember?”

mals brain fizzles out, shit shes right

“but if you didn't do it” evie inquires, “who did?”

uma grins turning to her boys “this seems like a job for pirates!!!!” mal is just frustrated “uma give the ember to me, i need it”

uma just hums ‘well I might not give it back~ just to see what happens”

“uma it's not the time for games peoples lives are in danger!!!”

“guarantee me that every single villain kid that wants too, can get off the isle”

“I can't do that” “can't do that huh *holds it over the edge* well how bout now!!”

“deal!...deal”  *uma fake stumbles, harry still tries to catch her* 

the scene continues on like in the movie.

they arrive at the school, going to make their way to audreys dorm, but they find everyone asleep.

the scene continues on like in the movie, but dude doesn't talk. so they have no clue on who the culprit is. 

mal and the others head to audreys room, to use the ember to wake her up, only to find she's not there, they do a minor search tiring to find clues on who took Audrey, uma flops on audreys bed, finds her diary...and that how they find out. 

“Hey, guys...come look at this”

they gather around uma, who reads the last input Audrey put in her diary.

detailing her plan for becoming the queen of auradon, and taking it by any means necessary.

it clicks for harry and uma, but takes a second for the others to understand.

“guys” harry growls, like its obvious,(which it is) “yer princess is the one who cast the spell!”

“shes not like that!” “yeah Audrey wouldn't do something like this”

“oh really” uma hums, flipping though audreys diary “take a look at all this”

pages and pages of heartbreak and grief, rants about the pressure put on by her grandparents, how she never even got an apology from Ben OR Mal.

how shes a failure for not keeping her hold on ben, and how she wishes he had broken up with her like a normal person.

“it's obvious she snapped and took the crown and scepter”

‘We need to find ben” mal says, snatching the book from uma and tossing it on the bed, gil steals a glance, seeing that Audrey hung out at fairy cottage a lot, and stashes that info for later.

“and find FG too, we need the wand”

they all nod, following mal out and to the museum, evie calling fairy godmother.

as they arrive, they see FG trotting up the steps, 

“mal what in heavens-” shes turned to stone, the vks gasp, harry runs towards uma, as always trying to protect her.

“no!”

the rush off, not wanting to get turned into stone.

they stop in front of the school dorms, breathing heavily, Carlos hears dude bark, and (referencing the fact that he can speak dog) asks dude if he knows where ben is, confused harry is confused “what are yeh doin’ pup?”

“I can speak dog” “okay then”

now for the scene Night falls, goes exactly like the movie. but instead of the dance break defeating the knights, its Mal, Uma, and Evie's combined magic that overheat audreys magic and cause it to fail. 

Evie tries the ice breaker, to no avail.

mal sends the boys to find ben, she and the girls follow Uma's plan to go back to audreys dorm to find out where she might be, then Gil brings up that he saw that Audrey likes to hang out at fairy cottage.

core four are surprised, uma and harry are not, their boy remembers things at the best of times.

the boy's forest scene is exactly the same. 

mal, evie, uma, and Celia just start to head to Evie's house, since they know where Audrey might already be.

then the Doug scene, now there is no one kiss, evie finds Doug, but because of her fast thinking, before uma can suggest true loves kiss, evie remembers that she has anti sleeping spell potions, uma is surprised, evie just goes, “my mom is a witch remember?”

Doug wakes up, uma is impressed, “alright im a little intimidated by you now”

“as you should be~”

witch evie is best evie

the boys encounter beast ben, the scene is not changed

back to the girls, mal thanks uma for suggesting audreys place, uma is defensive, mal feels guilt because ‘what the hell have I done to make uma this defensive around me’ 

later mal apologizes to uma about the shrimpy incident, uma does not forgive her

“Apology accepted, but you're not forgiven”

“i-i can accept that”

Audrey boards up the house and mal and uma work together, uma does NOT give mal the ember, she still doesn't trust her. not completely.

the boys arrive, uma reunites with her boys. the scene continues on as in the movie

now the dark forest scene. it continues on as in the movie, but when mal reveals she been lying the entire time, Celia takes the ember from uma, tossing it into the pot.

the scene continues on like in the movie

mal tries to beg uma to help, but she's done with mals shit, she doesn't want to be hurt anymore, harry leads her away.

final fight scene.

uma returns, picking up the dropped umber from the ground where mal dropped it. as soon as she picks it up, it ignites, sensing Umas demigod status. 

dragon mal in the sky pressing down on Audrey keeping her distracted, uma controls the water in the air and plants and sends it towards audreys, aided by the ember, she surrounds Audrey with water and puts pressure on the scepter, breaking it.

Audrey falls defeated.

the movie continues on like normal.

okay, so this is my version of the timeline. hope yall enjoyed!!!!

[pain-somnia]

halloweenanigans

Pairing(s)/Characters: SasoObi, ShiItaIzu, implied future SasuSaku, Ino, Kiba, and Naruto Rating: T Disclaimer Day’s Notes: written for the fabulous, oh-so-amazing, and extremely wonderful @thatshipcat to celebrate their birthday-week! This fic is set in the same modern au setting as Konoha TV Cryptid and can be seen as a sort of prequel. Here is a Halloween fic that I hope you all find funny and sweet.

AO3

Halloweenanigans

Sighing to himself, Sasori wiped off the makeup that had taken him a great deal of effort to apply. The painstakingly applied makeup had given him the appearance of one of the glassy eyed ventriloquist dummies from an old horror movie.

When he had first decided on his costume for Halloween he had expected to be dragged to parties by his boyfriend━parties he knew he would get bored of, but he could easily persuade Obito to duck out early.

What he hadn’t expected was to be stuck on babysitting duty.

Sasori was aware that his makeup was unnerving and would freak children out. If he had known that he would be around children at any point on Halloween he would have reconsidered his costume for the night.

If he had known.

Opening the door to the apartment, Sasori had expected to see his boyfriend not a gaggle of children. What soon followed was a high pitched shriek and then a swift kick to the shin from a blonde eight year old that came to the defense of her friend with peculiar hair coloring.

The same eight year old was sitting on one of his bar stools and swinging her little legs as she waited patiently for him and his supplies.

“So you just want whiskers?” Sasori asked her, setting up his multi-tiered makeup box.

“Please,” she pleaded bashfully, averting her gaze. She had apologized earlier for the attack and wouldn’t look him in the eye out of shame.

“Are you sure, Ino? He can make you a real snout.” Obito was currently reattaching one of the multiple tails to another blond brat’s costume. “He’s really good at it.”

“How did you get stuck on babysitting duty, again?”

“Stuck? I volunteered!”

“Of course you did,” Sasori muttered looking around his neat living room. At the moment Obito’s cousin and the tiny girl with rose gold hair were sitting calmly on his couch but the brown haired kid dressed like a dog was fidgeting as he looked around the room.

He better not break anything...

Looking down at Ino’s cat ears, Sasori took out a pot of gel eye liner and instructed the girl to close her eyes and tilt her chin up. There was a glimmer in her eyes when she saw the makeup kit and she sat still as a statue and did as asked.

“Can I get glitter too?” Ino asked━shame tossed completely out the window━as soon as Sasori was done lining her eyes to make them more cat like. The pale blue of her irises really worked with the cat costume.

Dusting the area around her eyes with more white face paint to give the texture of fur, he considered the placement of glitter on her faux cat markings. “Sure.”

Ino had barely slid off the barstool when the puppy kid had braced his hands on the seat of it and in one fluid motion, jumped up and seated himself.

“Can you make it look like I have a giant scar going across my face?”

“That’s not part of the theme, Kiba!” Ino stomped her foot, hands on her hips.

“Naruto has like nine tails on him and no one has said anything about that!”

The two of them began to bicker, but Sasori was sure he heard Obito’s cousin mutter “I definitely did.”

Getting through the makeup for all of the kids, it wasn’t hard to notice the animal theme the kids went for. Or in the smallest child’s case, a yokai. Obito had even joined them and had the adult version of his cousin’s wolf costume.

Using his skills as a makeup artist was at least more amusing than watching a bunch of grad students give themselves alcohol poisoning.

“A heads up would have been nice.”

“Aww,” Obito threw an arm around Sasori’s shoulders, “you can always go as Little Red. Ow!”

Leaving him with the kids in the living room, Sasori headed back to his bedroom. He was sure that he had a kid friendly costume in his closet.

.

.

Sasori narrowed his eyes at his boyfriend. Obito would sneak peeks at him as they walked, the corners of his mouth twitching upwards.

“Not a word,” Sasori hissed, the cat ears on his head twitching in sync with his right eye.

Unfortunately for him, he didn’t have anything that would have been quick to put together and the fox boy and puppy kid were already complaining about how the sun had set. He changed into some easy to move in street clothes and grabbed his brainwave cat ears.

Trick or treating wasn’t that bad, mostly a lot of walking. Whether it was the promise of candy or refusal to show any exhaustion, the primary school kids dragged him and Obito across several blocks.

“Isn’t this the cousin that hates candy?” Sasori asked, watching the little wolf throw something from his bag at the fox kid’s face.

“Sasuke? Yeah. He’ll probably end up giving most of that candy to Sakura.” Obito unwrapped a lollipop and stuck it in his mouth. “Usually he gives his candy to Itachi because no one gives it out to teenagers anymore but he’s pissed off at him right now.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, I volunteered to take him, Kiba, and Naruto trick or treating because Itachi decided he wanted to go out with his friends this year.”

“And the bunny and cat?”

“Sakura goes where Sasuke goes and Ino goes where Sakura goes.”

And as if on cue, there was Sasuke offering a marshmallow treat to the bunny girl, right before Ino knocked him out of her way by bumping him with her hip and offering Sakura a chocolate bar from her own bag. Ino hooked her arm with Sakura’s and they skipped to the next house.

“She’s not going to make his life easy,” Obito snickered. The smile slid off of his face when the man at the next house pulled the bowl of candy away from Sasuke. “What the hell?”

“The kid is pretty tall for his age. He probably thinks that he’s a teen—and there he goes.”

Ino and Sakura came running back to him as they watched Obito give the older man a piece of his mind.

“Should we stop him?” Sakura asked him, tugging on the sleeve of his jacket.

“Obito’s fine.”

“Oh, not him.” Ino pointed in a different direction, a smile spreading across her face.

Sasori cocked his head to the side and observed the scene in front of them. Sasuke was now pinching the bridge of his nose in embarrassment. Obito was too busy arguing with the owner of the house to notice that Naruto had grabbed the giant jack o’ lantern from the front yard until it was too late.

He lifted it over his head and with more strength than Sasori would expect from a ten year old, Naruto threw it, smashing it against the garage door. Kiba let out a battle cry and copied his action with another pumpkin.

“Hey!” The house owner shouted. “I’m calling the cops, you brats.”

“Ha! You think that scares me?” Kiba mocked him as Obito scooped him up over his shoulder. “My mom is a cop.”

Sasori wrapped his arms around Ino and Sakura’s waists and lifted them up, carrying them under his arms as he followed Obito across the street and around the corner. The girls shrieked and giggled the whole way.

“Can I get a slushie?” Ino clasped her hands behind her back and batted her eyelashes up at Sasori. She nudged Sakura with her elbow and the girl mirrored her actions.

“You have enough sugar. You can get water.”

They found a convenience store to use the restroom and to find some supplies to fix Naruto’s costume again. He kept smacking everyone with his tails and Sasuke grew fed up with it and ripped the tails off.

“We’ll share the slushie,” Ino insisted.

Sasori crossed his arms in front of his chest, not falling for the cutesy act. “If I’m paying, you get water. If you want a slushie, you buy it.”

“Ugh, fine.” Ino pulled out a smartphone from her hoodie pocket and pulled out a credit card from the card pocket attached to the case.

What the hell? Sasori shook his head. He didn’t want to meet the parent that gave a ten year old an iPhone, let alone a credit card. He watched as Ino dragged Sakura behind an aisle and then immediately turned back, blue eyes wide.

“What happened?” Sasori demanded.

“N-nothing.” Both girls cheeks were flushed red.

I swear to God if it’s a flasher…

Sasori turned the corner around the aisle and stopped dead in his tracks. “Oh, you’ve gotta be kidding me. Oi!”

Obito’s other younger cousin blinked at him, pulling away from a brown haired girl and a curly haired boy that had his arms wrapped around his waist from behind.

“Really? At a 7-Eleven?” Sasori scrunched his face up in disgust. “Love yourself. Have some class.”

“Wait,” Itachi’s eyes widened in recognition, “if you’re here—“

“This is the prior engagement you had?” Obito snickered, his head poking out from over the shelves of chips. “If you wanted to go on a date, you could have just said so.”

Sasori snorted and crossed his arms in front of his chest. “I wouldn’t call this a date. Making out in front of the slushie machine, really? So classy.”

“Brings back memories huh, Sasori?” Sasori rubbed his brow with his index finger and thumb. “He gets hangry when he’s high. You guys don’t have the munchies do you?”

The three teenagers looked from Obito and then back down to Sasori━seriously, what was with the Uchiha family and being so tall?━eyes wide and stammering. Itachi blinked owlishly from behind his glasses but then looked around.

“You’re not high right now, are you Obito? You have my brother with you! You do have him with you, right?”

Obito blew a raspberry and then ducked down. There was a growling sound and a protest and then Sasuke was lifted up in the air above the shelves. “See? All in one piece.”

“Can you put me down now?”

“Aww, don’t you want to see your brother?” Obito asked, setting him back down.

“No, he’s a traitor,” Sasuke’s voice carried down the aisle as he stomped away.

Itachi at least had the decency to hang his head in defeat. Sasori rolled his eyes and went looking for his charges for the night. Ino was loud but she and Sakura were a lot easier to deal with than Kiba and Naruto. Speaking of, the two of them had been quiet for a while now…

There was a loud popping sound and then a pair of cackles. There was the sound of liquid splashing everywhere and one of the shop employees started shouting.

No. Nope, not dealing with that. Sasori turned in the opposite direction of the noise and grabbed Sakura and Ino’s hands. Sasuke jogged alongside them, following them right out of the store.

“Hey!” Ino whined. “I didn’t get my slushie!”

“That was Naruto wasn’t it?” Sakura asked, grabbing onto Sasuke’s hand to make sure he went around the corner with them as Sasori dragged them as far from the 7-Eleven as possible.

“The idiot said there wasn’t enough tricks happening tonight.”

“I’m choking him with his own tails later,” Sakura growled.

Well, alright then. Sasori did a double take, shocked that the threat had come from the child that had been the most quiet the whole night. The baby of the group is a lot darker than previously believed to be.

“We left Obito behind,” Sasuke informed him.

“Every man for himself.” Sasori chose not to remind him that he had also left behind his friends and his older brother.

He probably didn’t really care about his older brother and his “cousins” at the moment. Sasori was going to have to ask Obito how they were all related again. He knew that he and Sasuke were definitely related because Obito was a little more doting than was healthy and even had a collection of baby photos.

They were probably going to have to have a discussion about that as well if the relationship was going to go any further than the four months they already dated.

The ten year old smirked up at him, “you know what, you’re okay. I approve.”

“I wasn’t looking for your approval.” Sasuke simply shrugged.

“You got it anyway.”

.

.

Sasori made himself busy folding candy wrappers into different shapes for Sakura’s entertainment. She was clearly the only kid of the group worth wasting time on—Obito’s favoritism towards his baby cousin ignored of course.

He had only been in her presence for a few hours but it was obvious the little beauty queen had Obito’s cousin and Naruto wrapped around her little finger. It was something he had to respect just a bit.

“Okay, kiddos,” Obito addressed them all cheerily. “Where to next?”

“Don’t they have a curfew?”

“Nope!” Ino popped a bubble. Somehow all of the candy with gum ended up in her possession. “We’re all sleeping over at Sasuke’s.”

“What!?” Naruto shrieked. “Since when is Ino staying over?”

“Since Sakura asked.” Ino tossed her ponytail over her shoulder haughtily, fists balled at her hips.

“You got a problem, Naruto?” Sakura shook her little fist in his direction and the boy cowered, throwing his hands over his head.

“No, not at all.”

“God, you’re whipped,” Kiba snickered. His words though were directed to Sasuke who was sitting on the curb a little away from the rest of them.

“Shut up, Kiba.” Ino rolled her eyes. “There’s no such thing as being whipped.”

Kiba blew a raspberry at her. “It’s the whole reason we have an animal theme this year. ‘Cause someone gets cold easily and someone else went along with it.”

Oh. Sasori observed the way Sasuke’s ears turned a shade of red. His eyes shifted to Sakura who definitely was wearing the warmest costume, being the fluffy bunny and all.

“So how long are we going to be stuck with the kids?” Sasori asked Obito over the squawking of the children. As...cute...as they were, time with them was dragging on and he had plans for the way he wanted the night to end. “Kind of wanted to do some...things later.”

“Oh, really?” Obito gave him a cheeky grin. Wrapping an arm around his shoulders, he pulled Sasori closer, leaning in to—

“There are children present.” Sasori palmed Obito’s face and pushed him away.

“You’re just being a tease,” Obito whined. “Not like they would even notice.”

It was true. The kids weren’t even paying attention to them. The five of them were in their own little world, crowding Ino’s smartphone. Naruto lunged for the phone, exclaiming about something, but was pushed back by the other kids.

Sasori still couldn’t believe the stuff the brat had done in only a few hours. Bless his mother. Sasori could only imagine how difficult it was to deal with him 365 days of the year.

“This night has turned me off of kids.”

Obito scoffed and rolled his eyes. “You don’t mean that.”

“No, I’m serious. These kids are walking advertisements for birth control.”

Obito exhaled a laugh through his nose. “Love the kid, but I’m pretty sure Sasuke wasn’t planned.”

“Well, fortunately we won’t have that problem in the future. Can’t accidentally adopt a kid.”

Obito cradled his chin with his hand, his elbow propped on his knee. “Oh, we won’t will we?”

“Wipe that smirk off of your face.” Sasori pursed his lips and narrowed his eyes. He would have to deal with that cocky grin later. “I’ve tolerated you for four months already, who’s to say I won’t tolerate you for longer.”

“Tolerating me is what you’ve been doing, huh?” Obito snickered. “I feel so loved.”

“Oh, shut up.” This time Sasori only rolled his eyes as Obito wrapped an arm around his shoulder and pulled him closer.

At times it could be overwhelming, the intensity that Obito loved. It was a completely new experience and although it was nerve wracking the first few weeks of their courtship, the two had settled into an easy rhythm. It took Obito a week to leave his bed after their first night; Sasori should have taken that as a sign of how things would turn out for them.

“If you’re done flirting,” Ino approached them, features cooled into a business like appearance, “we want to go to the haunted house.”

“What? You haven’t committed enough minor criminal acts for one night?” Sasori eyed the shrimpy blond kid. “Vandalism and theft not enough, we have to add breaking and entering?”

“Hey! I bought those mints and that cola.” Naruto’s face scrunched up into an ugly pout before it finally dawned on him what Sasori had said. “There’s a real haunted house!?”

“Okay, down boy.” Ino grabbed Naruto by the scruff of his neck and kept him from tackling the adults in his excitement. “We’re not going to some abandoned house, we’re going much more commercial here. There’s a haunted house set up nearby that we technically can’t go to unless we have adults with us.”

“That doesn’t sound reassuring.”

“Sounds fun!” Obito stood up, pulling Sasori up with him. “Where is it?”

“Can I talk to you for a sec?” Sasori tugged on Obito’s hand until they were a far enough distance from the kids that they could speak in private while still keeping an eye on them. “Obito it’s late. We should be taking them back to your aunt’s house and then we should be going back to my apartment.”

“Come on,” Obito pleaded, “it will be fun! And it will be the last thing we do tonight with the kids. Besides, I’m sure that they’ll probably chicken out before we even go inside.”

“Last thing?”

“Yep!”

“And then we go home?”

“And we can do whatever you want.” Obito winked. “Come on. It will be quick and then we’ll be home before you know it.”

.

.

Obito was avoiding looking at him. Whenever they caught each other’s eyes he would grin sheepishly and rub the back of his neck and then go back to looking at the bars of the holding cell.

“Home before we know it, huh?” Sasori hissed from his seat on the bench. The cell was extremely full, but one look from him and the previous occupant had vacated the seat.

Obito wasn’t as lucky and was forced to stand in a corner. He used his position to keep an eye on the kids whom were sitting on a bench at the opposite side of the room.

“Let’s be fair. I’m not the reason we had the cops called on us.”

“But I’m not the reason we were in that stupid haunted house in the first place!” Sasori ran his hands down his face and sighed. He would gladly take idiot grad students and their keg stands right now.

The haunted house had been a stupid idea. It wasn’t as terrifying as Sasori had expected, but then again a group of ten year olds and one nine year old were probably going to be more afraid than he was considering he was used to more horrifying special effects and makeup. It came with his job.

The screaming he could handle. The hand holding wasn’t so bad. Sasori had spent most of the night holding hands with the little girls anyway. It was when a little hand had disappeared from his grasp that he had began to panic.

Sakura had screamed a moment later and Sasori found her being carried away by one of the performers. Which was how he and Obito now found themselves in a holding cell at the police station.

“What are you laughing at?” Sasori snapped. Obito had broken out into a peal of laughter. He pointed somewhere beyond where Sasori could see even standing up. “Really? I’m like a foot shorter than you, I can’t see shit.”

“Itachi and company are being brought in right now. I wonder what they did.”

“Okay, that’s kind of funny. What could your dorky cousin have done?”

“Oh, I can’t wait to see Uncle Fugaku’s face.” Obito continued to laugh. “It will make sitting here overnight worth it.”

“What? We’re not staying overnight.”

“Well, he’ll probably let you go but he’ll definitely keep me here as punishment for dragging Sasuke around past his bedtime and getting him caught up in this.” Sasori must have let his confusion slip on his face because Obito laughed even harder than earlier before finally explaining. “My uncle is the police captain.”

“Jesus Christ,” Sasori exhaled. “Is there any family member of yours I won’t be seeing tonight?”

“Hey, this would be a good chance to introduce you to him!”

“Obito. I’m not telling your uncle we’re dating while I’m sitting in a holding cell at his precinct.”

“It would be such a funny memory to tell our kids one day though,” Obito joked.

“I wasn’t kidding about those brats turning me off from having kids one day.” Sasori pinched the bridge of his nose. “Besides, it’s way too soon to even think about that.”

“You’ve tolerated me this long,” Obito mocked him using his words from earlier that night, “I’m sure we’ll get to that point some day.”

“Only if your family doesn’t put me into an early grave,” Sasori muttered.

“At least they’re not boring, right?”

Sasori would give him that. He hadn’t had a moment to rest the whole night, let alone a moment to relax enough to get bored. It didn’t mean he wanted a repeat though.

“Next Halloween, we’re staying in and watching movies.”

[marinersubmariner]

The Rise of Skywalker thoughts, part 2

Or: A Chronicle of My Descent Into Madness

I know what you’re thinking: Star Wars complaints? Still? In this economy? You know what, sometimes you just gotta overthink stuff that doesn’t matter at all.

This is very heavily edited from its original form but still toooo much. Not recommended for human consumption.

I think what’s throwing me off so much and making me dwell on this way more than is healthy or rational is that this is the first time a Star Wars movie has felt WRONG to me. Like deeply, thematically off. Unsatisfying in a really fundamental way. I would call Solo the least essential SW movie for me, and even that I enjoyed well enough and it didn’t really break anything. TFA disappointed me in many ways but I was mostly able to detach myself from the things I didn’t like about how it related to the OT and accept that the sequel trilogy is fanfic. Even when SW has been at its worst, I’ve never felt betrayed by it. But TROS feels like a betrayal. And apparently that’s how a lot of people felt about TLJ, so I guess people who hated that movie can now point and laugh and say “I told you so,” but it’s just... a lose-lose situation for everyone.

It’s pretty amusing though that everyone hates this movie but hates it in different ways for different reasons. I, too, am dissatisfied with Ben Solo’s redemption! Oh, wait, a lot of people hate it because they think he shouldn’t have been redeemed at all, lol.

What gets me about TROS is that it punishes you for thinking about it. It seems sort of entertaining enough on a surface level, but as soon as you stop and really consider its plot, its characterization, how it fits into and engages with its own trilogy and the saga as a whole, it completely falls apart. It makes Luke and Leia seem incredibly shitty (oh yeah, Leia DID train as a Jedi, but couldn’t help her son at all and foisted him off on Luke, who was also like “actually, fuck this kid.” But Rey Palpatine is pure of heart and the best!) The final scene being set on Tatooine is an empty way to bring things “full circle” that has nothing to do with Rey’s character OR EVEN LUKE AND LEIA WHO IT’S SUPPOSEDLY “HONORING.” Leia had no attachment to Tatooine. Luke and Anakin both hated it there. And you can fuckin’ forget about Shmi. Who’s Shmi? lol. The binary sunset—even in repeat instances in ROTS and TLJ—has always been directly about Luke himself, not just Star Wars ‘cause it’s Star Wars. The original scene is about yearning for something more and the call to adventure. It’s about NOT WANTING TO BE THERE. But sure, Rey loves being alone in the desert, that’s definitely why she never wanted to leave Jakku. -_-

It’s interesting, after TFA I became pretty detached from the original characters in the context of this trilogy because it made their post-ROTJ story so bleak and not at all what I had imagined. Han and Leia broke up, their son turned evil, Luke fucked off to the middle of nowhere, Leia still doesn’t use the Force... I just sort of went “welp! I love the new characters!” Which is part of why Luke in TLJ didn’t bother me a whole lot despite the fact that I’m a big Luke fan. I liked the story it told. And it wasn’t really the story of the old characters anyway! Yes they’re there, but in service to the new characters. And then this movie ate its own tail and made the new characters function in service to the old characters, and in the process ruined the story for all of them.

Nothing that happens is actually developed within the movie itself, other than Force healing. The Palpatine reveal is pulled out of thin air. Rey and Ben’s relationship and Ben’s redemption are entirely reliant on development that happened in the previous movies. This movie doesn’t do any legwork to get there, and in fact regresses everything to its dumbest state so everything that happens materializes abruptly and resolves just as abruptly.

The thing that I’m stuck on about Rey Palpatine is that, okay, we know powerful Force users can come from anywhere, that’s not what was novel about Rey Nobody. What works about Rey Nobody—aside from it being an effective counterpoint to Kylo’s legacy baggage—is that it makes the story about Rey’s actions and choices going forward, it relies on her forward motion to connect the story to the past and make it relevant instead of leaning on “she’s important because she’s related to an important character!” Why is the story about Rey, what makes her so special that we centered a trilogy on her? Not the fact that she’s tied to the past, but the fact that she can rebuild the future. She is chosen because of what she’ll do and who she’ll become, not because of something she inherited. Rejecting Palpatine is still a choice, but it’s a generic one that doesn’t help to define Rey’s character at all, and it makes the story so much more beholden to the past instead of propulsive into the future.

And then even if you do commit to the Palpatine route, there was still an opportunity there of allowing Ben to live and having a Skywalker and a Palpatine teaming up to rebuild the Jedi (or some newly defined form of “Jedi”), a true rectification of Vader and the Emperor. It’s so obvious!!!!!!! It’s satisfying!!!!! It makes sense!!!!!! It connects to the rest of the saga in a meaningful way!!!!!! AND THEY DIDN’T DO THAT EITHER!!!!!!

Rey Palpatine is such a tacked-on twist that it makes everything contradict itself. Palpatine targeted Ben from birth, but couldn’t ever be bothered to find Rey. “You cannot deny the truth that is your family” unless you’re Rey. Ben Solo rejecting his true name and calling himself Kylo Ren: bad. Rey Palpatine rejecting her true name and calling herself Rey Skywalker: good. ??????? Taking the Skywalker name could have MAYBE been a little less bad if she had actually been Rey Nobody, but since they dumped the Palpatine reveal in there and convinced her that her parents were good and really loved her, why does she adopt herself into a separate dead family? Accepting and claiming her own heritage doesn’t have a saga of audience nostalgia behind it so fuck it! Rey has more meaningful personal connections with Organa-Solos but those names aren’t as marketable so who cares! This isn’t Rey’s story, this is A  S T A R  W A R S  S T O R Y

The conclusion is at odds with itself. If they want us to be sold on Reylo and Ben’s redemption, then it’s completely unsatisfying for that to end tragically. If they want us to believe Rey is fine and the ending is triumphant and hopeful, then it undercuts how important Rey and Ben’s relationship actually was, or how much Ben’s redemption really meant to the narrative. They’re telling us that Rey has all the belonging she needs with her friends and the Skywalker name, but in the final scene they’re showing us that she’s alone. The final frame of ROTJ is VERY POINTEDLY Luke with his friends, not standing alone smiling at ghosts.

And speaking of ghosts!! The lack of any Force ghost intervention with Ben is really, extremely bizarre, and I can even marginally accept that he doesn’t interact with ghost Luke despite “see you around, kid” because Luke would still probably piss him off. But ANAKIN. Anakin’s ghost encouraging Rey while his own grandson—WHO WAS LITERALLY DOOMED BY ANAKIN’S OWN LEGACY—is dying in a pit is so supremely fucked up it’s hard to even fathom. Anakin Skywalker? Who threw PALPATINE down a pit? The same Palpatine who then proceeded to haunt Ben’s entire life, even by PRETENDING TO BE ANAKIN?? Anakin’s ghost: “I can’t read suddenly, I don’t know”

Obviously the ignoring and retconning of TLJ is jarring, but the thing that really bothers me is the mending of the legacy lightsaber. I had thought that was something they would HAVE to deal with no matter what. I suppose ultimately it’s inconsequential if it was going to be mended either way, but to just not even acknowledge that it was ever broken, when that’s such a big, mythic moment in TLJ, really throws me. (then again, Luke tossing the lightsaber at the beginning of TLJ undercuts the big, mythic moment of Rey presenting it to him at the end of TFA, so... great. great job everybody.) I just had really imagined we would get some sort of Jedi learning happening in this, if not from Ben turning good then at the very least in regard to lightsabers—mending the legacy saber or healing Ben’s crystal or building new lightsabers, which we’ve never seen in a movie besides a deleted scene. Even salvaging Death Star kyber! Maybe that’s all too deep into the lore to include in a movie, but I just really wanted something even tangentially related to Jedi knowledge and the larger mythology, since TLJ was able to do it, and the end of the entire saga seems like an especially important place for it.

And even though they maintained (and expanded!) the Force bond, it’s truly weird how different those scenes feel than anything in TLJ. Rey and Kylo’s dynamic doesn’t track from what we saw before, the dialogue is stilted (because they ADR’d all of Kylo’s lines while he’s in the mask??), and the stylistic choices aren’t as refined or effective. Particularly on Pasaana when Rey’s side of the scene switches to night for some reason? I guess they were trying to mute the background, but visually it actually makes it more confusing because it’s not something that happens any other time.

The more I think about it the more dissatisfied I am with Ben’s redemption, and I already wasn’t happy with it. I was mostly relieved that it happened at all, because the first half of the movie makes no effort to go in that direction. But then even when it finally does happen, it makes no impact on the narrative. He has no real function in the final fight. He gives Rey an opening to defeat Palpatine and that’s it. Bringing Rey back is a personal moment, which is arguably fitting because that smaller more internal place is where their relationship resides, but its significance is undermined by the fact that there wasn’t even a REASON for Rey to die to begin with. She just drops dead because whatever (classic Padme), so the whole sequence of events is essentially meaningless because there’s no motivation for any of it. I had always thought that when he got redeemed he would get to fulfill some larger purpose, something absolutely crucial to the fate of the galaxy that paid off his parents’ and Rey’s hope that he would come back to the light. Han and Luke and Leia ALL died to bring him back, and he doesn’t get to do anything other than die and be instantly forgotten.

It seemed so important for Rey and Ben to reconcile their differences and work together, it’s what all the biggest moments of the trilogy have pointed to. The chasm opening up between them on Starkiller Base, the Force theme when their hands touch, the destruction of the legacy saber: all of that was huge and symbolic and meaningful. The WILL OF THE FORCE was for them to stop fighting each other. And I do love how the Force healing plays into that. But then ultimately when it comes time for them to work together for good and all, to defeat Palpatine and save the galaxy... they don’t actually get to do that. Ben gets tossed into a pit so Rey can become the Avatar and defeat Palpatine by herself. They could have at least shared the burden of channeling ~all the Jedi~ since that’s apparently fatal for one person to do. Why introduce this concept of a dyad and then barely do anything with it? It would have been so much more satisfying to see some real climactic teamwork, because the throne room remains the raddest shit of all time. They get the awesome hero shot posing with the lightsabers, and then... nothing. NOTHING!!!!!! WHAT IS THE POINT!!!!!!!!!

It’s funny (“funny”..........) thinking back on watching the trailers and how I imagined that Ben and Rey would actually be teamed up for a far more significant portion of the movie. I was really expecting Ben’s redemption to happen relatively early to then move on to defeating Palpatine. I enjoyed the possibility that the desert TIE chase/showdown was actually them training together (but then like every shot of them fighting in the trailers I saw speculation of “oh maybe they’re training together!” and uhh... it was never gonna be a two-hour training montage, lol). That shot of them destroying the Vader pedestal always looked to me like they were working together rather than fighting each other. I’M A FOOL

Obviously it’s Star Wars so you have to have a big epic lightsaber battle, and I do honestly enjoy the ocean fight (I love the atmosphere, I love the dumb anime Force jumps, I love how tired and half-hearted they get as it goes on, it’s great), but there is no good reason for them to fight as much as they do in this movie. It’s a bunch of noise in place of any real character development. Rey is essentially just fighting with herself and taking it out on Ben. Which is, you know, interesting I guess! But the ideological divide there is so weak. “Join the dark side. I super definitely believe in it and not just because I think it’s the only path open to me.” “No!” “Come with me to Exegol, we’re both headed there anyway, literally I’m just asking you to carpool.” “NO!”

Why was the ending of this trilogy “Han and Leia’s son dies”?? What is the point of that? By making him the son of our original heroes they made us care about him coming back to the light, they made it IMPORTANT for that to happen. And then it happens in the most perfunctory way and adds nothing to the story. Why start the trilogy with the tragedy of Ben having fallen to the dark side and murdering his father, only for it to end with the tragedy of him dying and never living a fulfilled life? That’s meaningless. That’s not a journey. He starts the trilogy symbolically dead and ends it literally dead. Rey starts the trilogy as a child in the desert longing for family and ends it as a child in the desert with a dead family.

They make Ben so good so quickly and then we don’t get to spend any time with him at all. He’s so GOOD finally free of the Kylo Ren persona he trapped himself in, it’s so cathartic to see the actual son of Princess Leia and Han Solo, and then... and then. I understand why so many people in fandom are unwilling to care about him, but at the same time, you’re supposed to care because the heroes care. You’re not supposed to LIKE the things he did, you’re not supposed to be happy that he chose wrong and terrible things, you’re supposed to root for him to be good. That is the ENTIRE POINT of him being Han and Leia’s son. He is MEANT to COME BACK. If he was never meant to come back then they could have made him any generic villain unrelated to our heroes and been done with it. But you are supposed to have that investment from the very beginning. There is supposed to be a tension there that ultimately gets resolved.

SO WHY DO ANY OF THAT? Why spend three movies arguing about whether Ben Solo can come back, and finally have it happen and give that release of YES HE’S BACK!!!! only to immediately kill him off? How is that satisfying or hopeful? Why did you make me invested in all this only to yank the football away at the last second? Was I not supposed to want Han and Leia’s only child to live? Because it doesn’t feel like a happy ending for the Skywalkers to die out. For the legacy of ALL our original heroes to be a fallen son whose life only ever amounted to giving them a replacement daughter.

As much as I can understand the appeal of subverting expectations and making it about how Ben chose evil and will never come back despite what anyone else hopes for, I just can’t accept how bleak and cynical that would be for the original characters and the story as a whole. That’s not what TLJ was doing, even though he ends that movie in an even worse place than where he started. (you know, like how ESB ended with Han in carbonite and then Han stayed in carbonite forever.) The ultimate message can’t be “give up hope, he’s irredeemable and gone forever” when every single hero character who is meant to be in the right is saying “no one’s ever really gone,” “hope is like the sun,” “it’s about saving what we love.” If you want to say that he chose evil and choice is all that matters, how do you then dismiss his choice to be good? Why would that choice suddenly not matter? It’s too late? He threw away all his chances, because in a hopeful fantasy story there’s a finite limit on forgiveness? There’s absolutely no way to ever make up for past mistakes, you can only atone through death? Unconditional love is bullshit? COOL

I can’t get over how boring fandom is that so many people are so insistent that Kylo HAD to die, he was always going to die, he deserved it. Death with redemption is a repeat of Vader that does nothing to break from the past or resolve the generational story; death without redemption is any typical villain (there are so many in Star Wars, you guys. so many.); LIFE is a unique ending that would have been worth telling. Immediate death is not punishment or redemption, it’s a cop-out. It always would have been more interesting for him to live, regardless of whatever other fallout you wanted. Death is easy. I’d much rather see painful, ugly transformation into something better than what came before.

There’s this idea in fandom that in order to be “worthy” of redemption, you can’t have done anything ACTUALLY bad, when the whole concept of redemption can only exist if you’ve done something wrong. Making the deliberate choice to change is the point. He did bad things because it’s a series about space magic where good and evil are denoted in the clearest possible way. The unquestionably bad things are presented that way on purpose so that when he chooses good it is also extremely obvious and representative of broad spiritual change on a basic fundamental level. IT’S... A STORY?????? Holy shit! But villains are bad and you shouldn’t care about them or the story that’s being told about them. :(

I realize this is blasphemy to certain segments of fandom—especially after I’ve harped on about how much I love and cherish public enemy #1 Kylo Ren—but the Rey/Finn/Poe trio doesn’t work for me. It’s too little too late, and it has never endeared me that it’s fanon based on Daisy/John/Oscar more than anything in canon (I KNOW, I’M SORRY). Poe really wasn’t a major character in TFA, so fandom used the transitive property to make Poe who’s friends with Finn who’s friends with Rey into a trio when the movie itself doesn’t establish a friendship between the three of them together. They’re not Han/Luke/Leia, and they don’t need to be, because mindlessly repeating things from the OT is the exact problem with this trilogy.

TROS relies on us having an investment in Rey/Finn/Poe, but all it does to establish Rey and Poe as friends is to have them bicker. And on top of that, Finn and Poe are reduced to bickering the entire time too! Clearly it was meant to be charming, but for the most part it wasn’t fun for me. There’s not enough there for me to latch onto as an emotional investment. Plus it’s just a dick move to exclude Rose, who is demonstrably closer with Finn than Rey has ever been with Poe. So that’s another big reason the ending doesn’t work for me, that after one movie (and Rey still mostly going through her own shit separate from Finn and Poe) we’re supposed to be satisfied with the ending group hug, that THIS relationship is the one that the entire trilogy has culminated in when they never actually did any work to get there or gave it any character weight. Han/Luke/Leia works because they went through shit together from the start, and despite Luke being on his own hero’s journey Han and Leia were always his peer group and emotional center. I can buy that about Rey and Finn—their foundation is solid even though their dynamic in TROS is awkward and distant—but Rey and Poe? There’s nothing there. When Rey spent the rest of her journey with a character established as her main equal/foil/partner/soulmate????, there’s just no way for a barely-existent friendship to feel like the REAL emotional center and serve as a satisfying character conclusion.

But that lack of development is also a problem with Reylo! This movie doesn’t do any work to get to that end point either! The only reason it works is because of their scenes in the previous movies, and because of Adam and Daisy’s WORDLESS ACTING in this movie. The emotion comes entirely from their performances, not the script. There’s no real substance there the way there was in TLJ. I was already invested going into this because I think their dynamic is the most thematically rich and unique in this trilogy, but my imagination is also doing a lot of the heavy lifting and I can totally understand not being sold on it based on what we’ve seen on-screen.

I do wonder if Reylo would resonate as much with me if it had a happy ending, because it’s very wrenching to think about the resolution they got, and it does work for me in my stupid fanartist overwrought symbolism brain. Part of what I like about TLJ is that they ALMOST get close, they ALMOST become friends, and then it twists the knife and they remain adversaries. The almost-but-not-quite, satisfying-because-it’s-unsatisfying messiness is very appealing in its own way. (I HATE TO SAY IT but Killing Eve s1 finale, “I really liked you” while being stabbed in the gut = literally TROS Reylo. ....I..... love it........ tbh I had thought about this dynamic just from the throne room scene in TLJ. The tentative trust and the antagonist letting their guard down only to be betrayed. And now Villanelle is Rey’s mom!) But really, ultimately it seems that if they’ve been tragic all along, giving it a tragic ending is just punishment. There’s plenty of tragedy in Star Wars, which is great, but there’s also a light at the end of the tunnel that makes it all seem worth it (the way the OT was for the PT). The sequel trilogy doesn’t have an effective light at the end of the tunnel, it doesn’t culminate in anything meaningful at all. It ends at the same place ROTJ ended except with a higher body count.

On my first viewing the opening sequence felt so WEIRD, like it just throws you into this bizarre little Kylo journey and the Palpatine intro that overloads you on “Palpatine drove Ben mad doing fake voices! Snoke’s a clone! What the fuck is going on!!!” But on rewatch I actually enjoy it BECAUSE it’s weird. XD The wayfinder is a fun, holocron-esque object (just... make it a real holocron though), the flying part is cool and that music is one of the few sections of the score that’s unique and catchy. Obviously the strobe effects on Exegol are not great, but I like the high-pitched screeching sounds, it’s effectively strange and ominous. And anyway, Kylo: I just think he’s neat!

Obviously we don’t get any sense of what Kylo was actually like as Supreme Leader, so I know this may not be representative of the entire year time skip, but the impression this movie gives of Supreme Leader Kylo Ren is: he spends all his time going on bullshit scavenger hunts and chasing after a girl and not doing any work. Which is hilarious and amazing. I will lament every day that this movie wasn’t the First Order falling apart because of incompetent leadership and a stormtrooper rebellion and a goddamn mutiny against the shittiest Supreme Leader of all time. KYLO REN HAS NEVER HAD A REAL JOB IN HIS LIFE

I wish they’d ever done anything with the implications of Finn being a former stormtrooper. With the fact that the First Order steals and indoctrinates children, which for some reason they brought up AGAIN in this movie without doing anything with it? I always felt in TFA that they didn’t really think through making one of their protagonists a former stormtrooper, because it then opens the door to all stormtroopers being potential good guys and breaks the ability to use them as faceless cannon fodder. Which would have been fine if you actually followed through on a stormtrooper uprising or something. But no, they continue to get mowed down, just with the added knowledge that many of them are brainwashed child soldiers. I suppose that’s a good metaphor for what happened to Ben. Hope you’re able to resist brainwashing by evil overlords, otherwise you’re doomed forever. Star Wars!

For as much as people complain that we’re asked to sympathize with Kylo while Finn has never done anything wrong ever in his life, it’s actually super weird for Finn to never struggle with his upbringing at all. It’s nice that he’s unequivocally a good guy, but like... he’s TOO well-adjusted for a kid who was brainwashed his whole life? I wouldn’t have minded some indication that he’s a little bit messed up. They never did anything with him being a former stormtrooper! It just never comes up! So WHY is that his backstory??? It had so much potential and it’s just... not a thing ever again. He immediately pivots to killing all stormtroopers he meets and it’s just... supposed to be... normal.........

I was always a proponent of Force-sensitive Finn, I absolutely wanted him to be a Jedi (since TFA marketed him that way!!!!) and thought it would have been great if, instead of a rehash of one last Jedi with one last master, both Rey AND Finn trained with Luke. But now that all is said and done and we got Force-sensitive Finn in the most half-assed, coy bullshit way possible, I’m wishing they’d instead focused on Finn leading the stormtrooper uprising that everyone wanted and given him something unique to do. They didn’t really give him his own story. The Jedi stuff is Rey’s area and the Resistance stuff is Poe’s area and Finn ends up just being... there. Chasing other characters around and yelling their names. I always felt like his TLJ storyline didn’t serve him well enough as a character, but in comparison to TROS it’s GREAT. He actually went on a journey and experienced growth! He got to meet Rose and learn about who he is as a person! Amazing!

Rose’s role didn’t have to be as big here as it was in TLJ, but to almost completely erase her and ignore her established relationship with Finn? To go out of their way to even give dumb expository moments to Dominic Monaghan and Greg Grunberg instead??? How is anybody supposed to believe that’s anything other than pandering to the gross, vocal hatred of the most inoffensive character in existence? I was really looking forward to seeing Rey and Rose interact, they would’ve been so cute together. With Leia dead Rey has no female relationships whatsoever. Her 0.25 seconds of interaction with Zorii is the closest we get. Wow. Thanks.

This is probably unrealistic with what they had to work with, but I keep thinking that Leia should have lived. They went through all the trouble of using this choppy leftover footage to put her in the movie, but they still kill her off when she could have just... stayed alive. Her life is so tragic but she has always been the survivor, the one who remains. Let Leia live, let Ben live, let them be reunited finally, let them rebuild. LET IT BE A FUJCKCKINGNNG HAAPPPPYYYY ENNDINNGGGGGG

Really just the way they chose to conclude Leia and Ben is so weird and confusing, because it implies that Leia could have used the Force to call out to Ben at ANY TIME. I mean, I guess the effort of that communication is what killed her? Maybe? Why? That’s too similar to Luke’s death except without the unique Force power justification, and also just... dumb. It really plays out like “well, guess I gotta die now! bye” and I feel like they could have tried a little harder to... not do that.

Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker: I Feel Like They Could Have Tried a Little Harder to Not Do That

Even though the Han scene really works for me, it’s difficult to read what it is in-universe (instead of plain bald-faced audience manipulation to sell the redemption). I’d initially thought maybe it was a Force projection from Leia, but she’s already dead at that point and if she were going to project anything it should have just been her. Han isn’t an actual ghost, but it’s also more realistic than a vision, so it plays out in some weird liminal space that isn’t typically seen outside of a Force nexus. People who hate Kylo can easily dismiss it as him forgiving himself in a hallucination, which, yeah, IT IS, but in a sense that’s... okay?

The only crime the narrative really cares about is Han’s murder, and Han forgave Ben in TFA. Literally the moment he was murdered Han forgave Ben. So the Han scene in TROS isn’t some new, imaginary forgiveness that Ben made up wholesale, it’s Ben finally accepting the thing that already happened (“you’re just a memory”). And the instigator for that was Ben being stabbed in the same way by the person he loved. So he understood, exactly, that forgiveness, that type of unconditional love. And Rey did for him what he couldn’t do for Han, she took it back, she corrected it, so Ben becomes the embodiment of his father’s forgiveness. His father saved him, his mother saved him, Rey saved him, and all of that is refracted into Ben saving himself.

THE FORCE IS THE BLADE OF THE HEART

The symbolism of Han being stabbed/Ben being stabbed/Ben being healed/Rey being healed, all as vectors of the Force, and pain, and love, and that tangle of emotion manifested in physical ways and directed outward. The violence of internal pain externalized and then regenerative power focused in the same way. Han’s sacrifice carving a direct line to Ben’s capacity for healing with love instead of harming with pain, and the thin, thin line that exists between the two. THE BLADE!!!!! OF THE HEART!!!!! This is gibberish but it’s really nice in my head!!! Someday I’ll make a picspam and it’ll all make sense.

I keep wondering and feeling sad about what Rian might have done with this movie. TLJ wasn’t flawless, but the more time I spent with it the more I appreciated it, and relative to the rest of this trilogy the difference is staggering. Even the behind the scenes content for TLJ is better and more thoughtful. I always read the art books, and I was really disappointed in the one for TFA—it actually lowered my opinion of the movie because so much of it was “how can we slavishly recreate the OT but a LITTLE different?” But the art book for TLJ was really interesting and a great read, and there’s still plenty in there I disagree with or that I didn’t think was as good as they thought it was (Canto Biiiiiight!!!!), but overall it was just better executed. And it’s the same with all the behind the scenes footage. The Director and the Jedi is SO nice and well-produced and interesting and lovely to look at, and because I was so excited about TLJ I went back and watched the TFA making of special features and it was all so... bland. Literally down to a production level TLJ is better. I’m anxious to see the TROS art book and making of documentary to see how much of a fucking mess it is.

I was also really clinging to the hope of seeing deleted scenes, but now apparently we’re not even getting those. That was my big fear, that if this was as much of a mess as it sounds like then Disney is gonna bury everything. It’s all just so unsatisfying that I really wanted to believe there was something else out there I could watch and try to wring some semblance of meaning from it. But maybe if they never had any real concept of the story they were telling it’s just bad all the way down. The novelization stuff that’s coming out is... really bad...... although it’s pretty funny that some of this is turning into the old EU absurdity all over again. Honestly, if Ben and Rey had started out as the Jacen and Jaina AU I thought they were going to be I would’ve been fine with it. At least Jacen’s death didn’t wipe out the entire family.

In the wake of all this I’ve been revisiting my post-TFA and post-TLJ thoughts, which is basically just pouring salt into my wounds reminiscing on all the things I imagined and hoped for in this trilogy. Post-TFA is pretty funny because I was astonished by how much I liked Kylo and at the same time horrified by Reylo. I was so excited about the narrative and symbolic connections between Finn and Rey and Kylo, and I was so in love with the thought of Finn and Rey both training with Luke, and the two of them teaching Ben how to be good. I JUST WANTED EVERYONE TO BE FRIENDS. And it was such an exciting prospect, the next generation figuring out their place and deciding who they’re going to be. And things JJ himself said even reinforced that reading! THIS FUCKING QUOTE:

“This trilogy is about this young generation, this new generation, having to deal with all the debt that has come before,” Abrams says. “And it’s the sins of the father, and it’s the wisdom and the accomplishments of those who did great things, but it’s also those who committed atrocities, and the idea that this group is up against this unspeakable evil and are they prepared? Are they ready?” (https://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/2019/05/star-wars-cover-story)

That’s a great thesis statement, JJ, it would have been cool if TROS had bothered with any of that. I don’t understand how he could say shit like that and then drop the ball so profoundly on all the things TFA and TLJ had set up. You DIDN’T NEED Rey Palpatine for “the sins of the father” when Kylo is RIGHT THERE.

And then there’s that Terrio interview where he says the original sin of Star Wars is separating the twins. Not Anakin being separated from his mother. Not Palpatine luring Anakin to the dark side. Not Anakin being pivotal in the destruction of the entire Jedi Order. SEPARATING THE TWINS AND PUTTING THEM IN LOVING ADOPTIVE HOMES THAT RAISED THEM TO BECOME GALACTIC HEROES IS THE ORIGINAL SIN OF STAR WARS. But Rey being sold by parents who loved her is fine. Killing off half of a “““Force dyad””” is also fine. BUT THE TWINS!!!!!!

I’ve at least spent so much time lamenting this movie that I’m a little more desensitized to it now. The really unfortunate thing is that I’m just not somebody who can write it off completely and be like “Star Wars is dead to me” because it’s one of the only fandom things I still care about at all. IT’S ALL I HAVE LEFT. And with TROS in particular there’s juuuuust enough there that I enjoy, which fuels my disappointment in the rest of it like a perpetual motion machine.

Anyway, I’m fine. We’re all fine here, now, thank you. How are you?

[5sosbitchfest]

Why Crusty is the Legit Worst: A Masterpost

So I mentioned a while ago in an ask that I could make an entire masterpost dedicated to why Crusty is the legit worst... and here it is. This is going to be a very long post, so bear with me.

Let’s start at the beginning, shall we?

1. The racist/fatphobic/xenophobic tweets

Much before 5sos was involved, Crusty was one of those wannabe LA influencer/model people who tweeted shit like this:

Now, apparently she’s claimed that these tweets were faked and never apologized for them, but then again, when does she ever sincerely apologize? Oh wait, never. So, were these tweets faked or not? Well...

There are responses to the tweets on the left. Here are the responses to the top left one:

Jac Vanek was one of Crusty’s old friends. They’ve been photographed and tagged in the same photos together. So, sure, people could have found out they were friends and faked the tweet/response to the tweet. However, 1. how and why would anybody go that far, and 2. if you look closely, the screenshot with the other deleted tweets and the screenshot with the response look like they were on different phones (the emoji, font, spacing between the letters/lines). Two different phones, eh? It’s almost like the tweet was real and could be seen on multiple platforms! Wow!

In addition, the tweet was sent out on February 8, 2013. Here’s another response to the supposed fake tweet:

Same date, eh? And only less than an hour later! Who would go through so much trouble to fake the tweet, the responses, and even get it down to the dates that the responses were sent out?

Back to the first screenshot of all of her tweets:

The bottom left one had some responses too! Here they are:

Same date, a couple minutes later. Seriously, who would take the time to fake the responses down to the dates and times? It’s almost like... the tweet was real! *gasps*

Now, this response could possibly be one to the bottom right tweet:

The only reason why I’m unsure of this one is because the time the response was sent out was three hours prior to the actual tweet, not to mention the month of the tweet isn’t really distinguishable in the screenshot. Even so, the response looks pretty nasty, and I’m sure it was to an equally nasty tweet from Crusty.

Now, I can’t find proof of the top right tweet being fake or real, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it was, considering she has no problem saying “sleazy foreigners.” Of course, obviously, these tweets were deleted, which brings me to my next point.

2. She deletes tweets whenever she gets backlash, doesn’t apologize, and plays the victim card.

So back in September, she had a pretty epic Twitter meltdown (which is still up, she didn’t delete it), where she basically guilt tripped her entire audience, whether they “hated” on her or not.

Uhhh... sure. I agree that you never know what someone is going through, but 1. these “trolls” you see are usually fans with valid opinions and reasons as to why they don’t like you, 2. the constant use of ‘do you want to do this’ or ‘do you want to be that’ is playing the victim card so hard and blaming literally anyone who reads the tweet, making them feel guilty, otherwise known as guilt tripping. Y’know, something that emotional manipulators/abusers do? Yeah, that, and 3. she just HAS to make the whole thing about her. Notice how she says “your words affect me” and puts "and any other person you’re bullying” in parentheses. Notice how she says “you don’t know if I’m depressed, going through trauma, etc.” Notice how she says “do you actually want to inflict pain, hurt, tears, & hate onto me & others?” She tried so hard to be inclusive... and failed. The whole thing is about her, and she just kinda threw in some other terms to make it seem like some kind of positive message for everyone, when in reality, it’s just her being a whiny brat.

Not to mention she just threw Messy into the mix and shaded Arz. Which, lol. Arz was literally her PR client. It’s actually very likely that she was the one who put Arz and Luke together. Hm.

There was the time she pissed off a bunch of Kpop fans when she tweeted this and automatically tried to patch it up:

She probably saw how pissed people got and tried to fix it and make it seem like it was just a joke. Even still, people saw it as being quite fishy, and rightfully so. After all, it probably wasn’t a joke. And then shortly after, like a few weeks or something, she posted a link to a BLACKPINK song or something saying how good the song was. Ooookay.

Then we have the magazine fiasco:

Basically people were angry because a magazine cover came out that featured mostly Luke and the other boys were kinda off to the side. Colliscool is some weirdly famous 5sos fan who is another wannabe LA influencer chick, and of course Crusty is kissing her ass because it makes her look nice. Anyway, if complaining about a magazine cover is “standing up for what you believe in,” what about actually important issues, like racism or homophobia or poverty? It’s a fucking magazine cover. And while it’s hard to hear, Luke is the lead singer, so it only stands to reason why he would be the main feature, tbh. But once Crusty compared fans to Trump, she received backlash, deleted these tweets, and never spoke of it again.

Let’s not forget how a few days later, the whitewashed photo of Calum came out, and people were angrier about that and thought it more important than the magazine cover (which I agree with), and Crusty didn’t say anything on the matter. People were pissed that she complained about the magazine cover and not the whitewashed photo of Calum, but those fans gotta understand that unless it involves Michael, she doesn’t give a shit. I mean, with the past xenophobic/racist tweets... her not saying anything makes sense.

Then there’s the more recent ordeal with Cardi B:

She really thought her backlash was about Mac Miller not winning. And when a fan tried to explain why Cardi B is problematic, she went ahead and played the victim card again. For comparison, here’s how Debby Ryan, Josh Dun’s fiancee, responded:

Not only did she acknowledge her lack of knowledge, she handled the situation by engaging with the people who were educating her, asking them for more information, and thanking them for educating her. Meanwhile, you have Crusty, who’s all like “WELL HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW I’M ONLY HUMAN” and... yes, Crusty, we’re all fucking human, but not all of us are assholes. She likes to tweet, delete, and yeet, as I like to put it.

And I’m going to put this out there for people who might try to argue with me: yes, I spent a good hour scrolling through her twitter to try to find any ounce of proof that she’s a decent person. I did find some rt’s and threads of her talking about mental health and racism (she was talking about the movie the blackkklansman and how it’s revolutionary or something along the lines of that), and she took part in that whole campaign last year to get young people to vote. Here’s the thing: yeah, those are good causes. But it’s really easy to seem like a good person online. It’s so easy to say things and not mean them. Also, just because someone may have liberal viewpoints or morals doesn’t necessarily make them a good person, especially if they don’t outwardly show it, which brings me to my next point.

3. She’s an asshole to fans.

That’s kind of a well-known fact, at least, to the people who can see past her bullshit. She will literally enter group chats with fans, get the twitter names of people who talk bad about her, and block them on her and Michael’s accounts. But of course, because she’s interacting with the fans, she’s seen as a saint because she’s just so sweet!!! And whenever people don’t see that, well, they get blocked. She checks her indirects, obviously, so if you so much as mention her name in a negative way, she and “Michael” will block you. Which is so fucked.

Remember when she was rude to some fans in Bali a few years back? If not, here’s the video. When people saw the video, of course she played the victim card again:

Oh yes, because coming up with a bunch of excuses, mentioning the fact that you’re “crying in lax,” and using a thousand emojis really expresses how guilty you feel. Kiss my entire ass.

But that wasn’t the end of that! When Crusty went to Bali earlier this year, she met up with the very fan she was rude to after she sent the fan this DM:

And of course, the girl fell for her bullshit because she got to meet Michael. She just had to make herself look like such a sweetheart before the big engagement! And sadly, it worked, the fan was happy, and Crusty was seen as a saint once again:

She’s even a bitch from southy’s account:

Like... what that person said wasn’t even that bad. Them breaking up is a perfectly plausible situation (if they were actually dating, lol), and yet Crusty literally cussed them out for bringing that up. Oof yikes.

4. The nature of her “relationship” with Michael.

Their first public interaction on Twtiter was back in 2014, when Michael was 18.

This was right before Michael turned 19, so Crusty was 29-30ish (?) at this time (who the fuck knows, I’ll get to that later). It’s not exactly known if she was 5sos’ PR manager, but she was ATL’s, and since 5sos and ATL had worked together, it wouldn’t be surprising if she actually was/is 5sos’ PR manager.

So before Michael, Crusty had been dating a guy named Spencer. Crikey’s timeline starts in January of 2016, where Michael posted this photo of them:

They were “dating” at that time, but neither of them went public until January 2017. However, Crusty continued to consistently interact with her ex Spencer on ig, all the way from January 2016 to May/June 2016, and it started to slow down after that, though she still liked some of his posts here and there. There was even an instance where Spencer sent her flowers in April, which... why would your ex send you flowers???

My belief is that Crusty was still with Spencer at the time she started “dating” Michael, technically cheating on him, and I have an idea in my mind that he probably got sick of it and finally decided to drop her. Which, good for him. After all, she left to be with someone eleven years younger than her just to gain money and fame. Yikes. And apparently there were rumors of her sleeping with Jack from ATL (when she was still with Spencer) when she was their PR manager... she liked to fuck her way to the top and didn’t give a shit about cheating on her boyfriend, I guess.

Now, I know the age gap is a heavily-debated topic, but here’s my stance on it: if the younger party is a full grown adult (I’m talking late twenties/early-mid thirties) when they start dating a person several years older than them, then sure, whatever. They’re basically full-fledged adults who are capable of taking care of themselves and have matured enough to a point where they can make rational decisions for themselves. Michael was twenty years old when he started “dating” Crusty in 2016. People make the argument of “he’s a mature adult he can do whatever he wants!!!” Um... in legal terms, yes, Michael is an “adult,” but twenty is nowhere near the age of maturity. I’m 19, and I know several people around that age, younger and older, who can’t make rational decisions to save their lives. Early adulthood is still a time for growing and figuring things out, and just because Michael is a famous musician doesn’t mean he isn’t still figuring things out. Also... do people know how Michael acted when he was 20? Watch him in interviews, I dare you to call him mature. I’m sure he’s mature in some aspects, but overall, he’s still a young adult who is still in a stage of developing maturity-wise.

So what does this have to do with Crusty? Well, with Michael being 20 when they started “dating,” that would make her 31. A 31-year-old woman dumping/cheating on her boyfriend (who was actually within her age range) to chase after a barely-legal dork from a decently famous pop punk group. Doesn’t that sound sketchy? In my eyes, she took advantage of everything in that situation: the fact she was a PR manager, the fact that Michael was young and naive, the notion that she would get more money and notoriety, and that Modest was probably in need of a beard, well... I’m sure she didn’t hesitate. For her, it’s a win-win-win situation. Just look at her! It doesn’t even look like she has to work that hard anymore, like she’s gone full LA influencer who gets sponsors up the wazoo and gets paid to be a beard. Her fucking dog is a walking advertisement (just look at southy’s ig page, it’s pretty much all sponsors). And no, I’m not saying she doesn’t work, but it seems like social media has taken up most of her life. And she barely even uses it for good/actually important issues. So there’s that.

Fun tidbit: she’s been working in the whole PR/entertainment realm since 2002. Michael was 7. Let that sink in.

Anyway, yeah, my point is that her “relationship” with Michael is pretty creepy. If the roles were reversed, that the younger was female and older was male, people would see it as creepy rather than “they’re both mature adults who can make their own decisions!!” 1. No, that’s a huge double standard, and 2. any time an older person goes after someone who is several years younger, regardless of sex, will always be sketchy in my (and a lot of other people’s) eyes.

5. She is a massive hypocrite in pretty much every way.

Oh, the positivity and sunshine her stans claim she spreads is more like a nasty downpour of hypocrisy and bullshit. Let’s start with this whole ‘spreading positivity’ thing she’s all about.

Crusty stans always say she’s all about spreading positivity and loving yourself and fuck the haters and blah blah blah. I already showed an example above of how she guilt tripped the fuck out of her audience, whether they support her or not. It wasn’t her trying to prove a point, it was straight up guilt tripping, especially because of how much she inserted herself into such situations. She could’ve worded it much differently that shed light rather than guilt.

And this whole being positive/loving yourself thing... well, that brings me to the age thing.

No one seems to know how old Crusty is. 34 is the mostly-agreed upon age, so let’s roll with that. It’s no secret she gets treatments, I mean, just look at this post:

She literally admits to it. And unfortunately I can’t find screenshots of her raving about the intravenous vitamin treatments among other things, but I do remember seeing them (if anyone has them, let us know!)

And it’s been shown she loves to use photoshop (not just on herself either). I mean, how could you go from this:

to this:

She doesn’t even look like the same person! If anything, it looks like she’s gotten younger instead of older... oh wait.

And she always does that pouty-lip thing, and I have a friend who says she thinks she sees lip fillers, which wouldn’t be that surprising. I mean, just look at this old picture of her:

Yeah, keep telling yourself that those lips are all natural.

Seriously... in pretty much every photo of her on her ig, she’s jutting her bottom lip out like it’s some duck face selfie from like, 2011. Please.

And her ass, well.

Here’s what we see:

And here’s some reality:

Bruh even Luke has a bigger ass than she does.

She posted a video on her twitter of her in the first picture saying something like “to all the people who think it’s photoshopped,” but y’know, it’s like... videos can be edited. Camera angles and poses can make an ass look bigger. Okay sis.

Fun fact: she deleted that picture of her by the pool, probably because people were making fun of how she literally had her bathing suit stuck in her ass. I mean, that’s what she gets for trying to make it look like she has one when she doesn’t.

Aaaaand here’s the heavy hitter:

When my friend saw this photo, she said that if she didn’t know Crusty was Michael’s girlfriend, she would’ve thought she was his mom. Y I K E S.

You can see the age literally everywhere. Her entire face, neck, and even the skin on her elbow in the second pic (it’s one of the first things I noticed tbh). And this was literally back in Bali 2019. You know, not even four months ago? Like damn, the sun really did her dirty lol. These pics are why me and many others question her actual age. She seriously looks like she could be in her forties in these photos, which, if she is, then her “relationship” with Michael gets even more fucked up.

Oh and she doesn’t just photoshop herself. You have this monstrosity:

Like what the fuck? Who are they trying to fool here????

And then this:

That’s a really... interesting ear.

So yeah, what part of Crusty’s face/body/everything is real? Not much! So, if she’s all about positivity, loving yourself, embracing your flaws and "fuck the haters" and whatnot, why can’t she practice what she preaches? You’re getting older, get the fuck over it and start acting like it, maybe start accepting it and stop getting treatments that will probably eventually backfire (like in the Bali pic).

Moving on from her looks, her entire attitude is just extremely hypocritical. I saw how she tries to preach online about mental health and how important it is to take care of yourself, and then she does shit like this:

So you’re just going to make fun of someone who’s struggled with severe drug addiction and eating disorder like that? She’s said on her twitter that her father was an addict, yet she’s going to make fun of someone who struggled with the same issue?

She’s considered a role model because she speaks out about this kind of stuff, including feminism, but let’s examine this a bit. This is her pinned tweet, and has been for a while:

Good message, yeah? Oh, but then she interacts with disgusting trash like Musty Collins:

Musty Collins, who puts on this whole sad boi~ act and then name drops 5sos to prey on underage girls. If Crusty’s so keen on empowering women, WHY DOES SHE INTERACT WITH A LITERAL PEDOPHILE WHO PREYS ON YOUNG GIRLS. Literally two of the most emotionally manipulative people in the world of 5sos. I guess that’s how they get along so well. They should just get together, but they wouldn’t because they’re too old for each other.

And of course it circles back to her fatphobic tweets. So much for empowering women.

Considering that spreading positivity is what she’s known for (besides being with Michael, yikes), it surprises me that she say something like this that goes against her entire spiel:

Uhh... sis, you are a fake ass public figure trying to get people to like you by saying random regurgitated greeting card BS online. Her ig stories are always screenshots of positive~ messages that are usually found on pinterest or some shit (not shading pinterest, don’t worry lol). That’s some greeting card BS regurgitation right there. Basically what this comment is saying is that she’ll only be nice to people who she thinks worthy of being nice to. A “realist” my ass. I’ve already gone over how “real” she is.

And then you have these ridiculous tweets:

“People are people no matter who they love or how old they are” “When did I say I was all about positive vibes?” Alright then.

I love how these tweets just SHOW how much of a hypocrite she is. Her entire “relationship” with Michael is shown through photos. Literally any time there’s a camera, she will take advantage of it and come up with an excuse to show off her relationship. Where’s the “human connection” you’re going on about? Oh wait, it’s not there, because their relationship isn’t real. Oops.

The second tweet.... just oof. She’s just tweeting about herself lmao.

I love how her excuse for her fucking up is just “I’M A HUMAN BEING WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT FROM ME!!!” Girl, in case you haven’t noticed, we are ALL human beings, just not all of us are assholes when we fuck up. And then she goes on about how “we are all just human beings and we should all love each other!!” Yeah, it all comes back full circle, one of hypocrisy.

And this isn’t really a reason why Crusty is the worst, just some tweets I saw that kinda made me laugh:

“Luke who?” Oh I don’t know, the guy that your fiance’s actually in love with? HA. She wishes she could be Luke. It’s hilarious how jealous she is of him, how, whenever Lemon content comes out or the spotlight falls on Luke somehow, Crusty has to post about her and Michael’s relationship/engagement to get the attention back on her. Let’s be real, she’ll never be as gorgeous as Luke is, and Michael will never love her like he loves Luke.

So, in conclusion, Crusty is just a fake lying hypocrite. No amount of “this was in the past!! she’s changed!!” excuses will ever change my mind. After all, a lot of things in this masterpost were fairly recent. She might not tweet those horrible things anymore, but her old self shines through sometimes in the form of “I’M HUMAN I MAKE MISTAKES!!!” If she’s really changed, why doesn’t she show it?It’s because she really hasn’t, she’s just gotten better at controlling her social media presence. And that, my friends, is why Crusty is the legit Worst™.

[pass-the-bechdel]

Marvel Cinematic Universe: Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015)

Does it pass the Bechdel Test?

Yes, once.

How many female characters (with names and lines) are there?

Seven (30.43% of cast).

How many male characters (with names and lines) are there?

Sixteen.

Positive Content Rating:

Three.

General Film Quality:

Significantly flawed, and well-known in fandom for it. Unpopular opinion? I still think it’s better than the first Avengers film.

MORE INFO (and potential spoilers) UNDER THE CUT:

Passing the Bechdel:

Natasha and Laura pass in a single-line trade. It’s sooo close to not counting.

Female characters:

Natasha Romanoff.

Wanda Maximoff.

Maria Hill.

Helen Cho.

Peggy Carter.

Laura Barton.

FRIDAY.

Male characters:

Tony Stark.

Steve Rogers.

JARVIS.

Thor.

Clint Barton.

Strucker.

Pietro Maximoff.

Bruce Banner.

Ultron.

Sam Wilson.

James Rhodes.

Ulysses Klaue.

Heimdall.

Nick Fury.

Erik Selvig.

Vision.

OTHER NOTES:

Everyone talking about Strucker like we already know who he is...

The “Shit!”/”Language!” gag was funnier before they hung a lantern on it. Not least because it takes almost a full minute before Tony harks back to it (fifty seconds, actually. I checked). If you’re gonna make a Thing out of it, you gotta follow up immediately, not after fifty seconds of cutting around to different character intros and action shots and a whole lot of other dialogue. 

Urrgghh, ok, I’m going to break my standing rule about not discussing source material, because we gotta acknowledge the colossal wrongness of re-writing the Maximoff twins - canonically Jewish Romani - as willing volunteers in a Nazi science experiment. It gets worse the more you think about it. There are a few things about this movie which generated significant negative outcry, and this incredibly offensive decision is one of them.

Tony and Thor fighting over who has a better girlfriend does have a certain charm to it. If you’re gonna have a testosterone-off, it might as well be about how great your partner is.

I got a zero out of ten on this out-of-nowhere forced romance crap with Natasha and Bruce. We’ll come back to this later.

“I will be reinstituting Prima Nocta,” Tony declares, as he prepares to lift Thor’s hammer and thereby theoretically take charge of the Nine Realms. Primae noctis (believed to in fact be a myth) refers to a supposed Dark-Ages law that granted lords the ‘right’ to take the virginity of any newlywed peasant woman who lived on their land. So, this is a wonderful little rape joke from Tony (or, y’know, not so little, since primae noctis in reality would make Tony a serial rapist). Ha ha ha ha. Hilarious. Good one.

I’m really mad about the parts here that are total garbage, because mostly, the revels sequence has a nice low-key quality to it, good solid team dynamics. 

I can’t fucking believe that they played the ‘and then Bruce falls with his face in Natasha’s cleavage!’ gag. I cannot believe it. Is this a disgusting frat-boy comedy from the nineties?

Honestly, Tony, just shut up and admit that you KNEW from the get-go that it was wrong to try and make Ultron happen (that is why you kept it secret from everyone else to begin with); don’t try to defend the decision now that you’ve got a ‘murderbot’ on your hands. Take responsibility for a bad choice instead of talking shit about how you had to and everyone else is just too short-sighted, damn it! 

Andy Serkis is delightful.

The Iron Man/Hulk fight absolutely KILLS the momentum of this film. It goes for way the fuck too long (eight minutes) and has no narrative significance at all. Pro tip for action scenes: they should always be driving the story somewhere. You can pull off eighty minutes of action so long as your plot is advancing alongside/within it.

Also, Iron Man causes a huge amount of additional damage during this fight, in the service of the aforementioned pointless action. His efforts to minimise Hulk’s effects are extremely poor, and calling in his relief organisation to clean up after the fact does not negate that. 

Gotta love that throwing a wife and kids at Hawkeye at the same time as we suddenly start pushing this Natasha/Bruce thing. That’s not transparent at all. I also understand this to be a major deviation from Clint’s identity in the comics, and very unpopular with fans for that reason, but regardless; reinventing him as a family man to reset the romantic blather after baiting fans with the possibility of Clint/Natasha in the first Avengers movie is such a shitty move. I was not invested in the ship myself and would have loved to have them reinforce the just-friends relationship between Hawkeye and Black Widow, because there are not enough platonic friendships between compatible men and women in fiction, but 'they’re not interested in each other because they’re busy with someone else!’ is a weak reinforcement indeed. Less forced romances, and definitely less token wifey who exists for no other Goddamn reason at all. This comes out of nowhere, and not in a clever-surprise kind of way.

“You still think you’re the only monster on the team?” Natasha says, after telling Bruce about her sterilisation. This earned a HUGE backlash, and for good reason - despite all arguments about how what Natasha meant was that her being raised to be an assassin makes her a monster, the direct implication of her words as they are phrased and as the discussion is structured is that her inability to have children makes her monstrous, and that’s deeply offensive. It’s also completely in keeping with a narrative which is often played out against women, in which their value as people is attributed directly to their ability to produce offspring, so it’s not even like this outrageous implication of monstrosity - the corruption of what it means to be female! - is that unusual. It’s awful, but not unusual. Add on the fact that 1) Natasha’s nightmare-flashes specifically foregrounded her sterilisation over all other details of her training, supporting the idea that she believes that it’s what makes her irredeemable (instead of, y’know, all the murdering and stuff), and 2) this is Joss Whedon’s work and he is OBSESSED with highlighting the womanhood of his female characters and treating it like their defining trait while also variously punishing them for it, and you’ve got every reason to interpret this terrible fucking line as exactly the heinous thing it (presumably, unwittingly) seems to be. 

Steve ripping a log in half with his bare hands is the funniest thing in this whole movie.

Thor’s brief side-adventure with Erik Selvig is pretty out-of-place. He just...goes for a swim in a convenient magic pond that Selvig chances to know about. Seems normal.

Ultron is full of such boring, empty rhetoric. Reminds me of Loki in The Avengers, with all that sound-and-fury. 

I love Paul Bettany.

Man, they sure do find Natasha instantly. It’s almost like making a damsel-in-distress of her who needs to be rescued by the team was completely meaningless...

Breaking my no-BTS rule (since I already have done for this movie at this point) because it’s well-known how Joss Whedon ordered Elizabeth Olsen not to show exertion or ‘ugly emotion’ on her face in this film, because God forbid she compromise her attractiveness by being human. Joss Whedon is not human; he’s fucking trash. 

The final fight sure does just, y’know, get to a point where it ends. They really did not ratchet up the tension over the course of the Sokovia conflict, it just goes along until it stops (also, they say Sokovia is a country, but then they never call the city anything else, it’s just Sokovia. Is the city conveniently named after the country (very confusing), or is it a city-country, like The Vatican? I kinda assume it’s option three, which is that no one bothered to care because it’s just some fake European placeholder anyway and we’re not supposed to notice such a dumb oversight).

“I was born yesterday.” This is the best quip in this whole thinks-it-is-way-wittier-than-it-is movie.

Helen Cho deserved better than to be a prop rapidly dismissed and then just trotted past at the end for an ‘oh, she survived, btw’. 

Back when I reviewed the first Avengers movie, I said that I considered that film to be heavily overrated, so maybe it’s not such a surprise that I actually like this one better. The two primary problems I had with that first film were the overly simplistic plot, and the fact that most of the characters were OOC compared to previous films, and this movie does do better on both scores, so I feel more engaged by it, and less annoyed. That said...this movie has still got a lot of problems, and those include iffy characterisation and a plot with various holes, nonsensical complications, and conveniently ignored or smoothed-down dynamics. When I say I like this movie better than the first one, I mean just that: I like this better. That does not mean I am here to sing its praises. 

The tacked-on romance is part of the problem - for Clint as well as Natasha (but especially for Natasha). After Hawkeye was so heavily under-used in the first film (and his slightly-ambiguous relationship with Black Widow was the only human element that made him a character instead of a prop), Age of Ultron attempts to compensate by giving Clint a personal life, in the form of a magically-appearing heavily-pregnant wife and a pair of nameless children. The function of this family appears to be 1) to give Clint a reason to not be interested in Natasha, and 2) to ‘humanise’ him by giving him something to fight for and get home to, because we all know nothing legitimises a character quite like some otherwise-irrelevant dependents. Want a man to seem lovable and important? Give him a pregnant wife. That’s what women are for, anyway, right? To enhance a man’s story? In this case, to provide a man whose purpose in the story has been contested with insta-personality, because ‘he’s secretly a family man, ooh, twist!’ is way better than having to spend time on giving him something to do in the plot that is actually meaningful in some way. Great logic. Makes Hawkeye super dynamic, right? 

Natasha, unsurprisingly, is hit much, much harder. As the only female avenger and one of only two prominent female characters in a cast which has seven-to-nine male characters of equal or greater importance/screen time (YMMV on whether or not you think Fury and Vision count for that list), the pressure is already on for Natasha to be served up a quality narrative, because if she doesn’t get one, well...she doesn’t have six-to-eight alternative characters to pull the weight for her gender. The best solve for this problem would be to avoid the ‘Token Woman’ cliche in the first place, but since we missed that boat...not having the personal story of your only primary female character revolve completely around her womanhood and her catering to heteronormative expectations of a love interest would have been a good choice. This weird, forced, chemistry-free thing with Bruce Banner? Was the worst thing they could have used to define Natasha’s presence in the film. It sticks out like a sore thumb every time they have an awkward interaction, and it leads in to that atrocious ‘monstrous infertility’ element (though that particular egregious mistake could have been included with or without a romantic blunder, it...probably wouldn’t be, and we’d all be the better off). Even the Hulk-whisperer part of the relationship - while not awful on its own with all the unnecessary romance and Unresolved Sexual Not-Tension removed - serves to highlight Natasha’s female-ness by making her the soft maternal figure for the team, because God forbid one of the other male members of the team be asked to ASMR-speak to the Hulk while delicately caressing his hand. If Natasha’s presence in the first Avengers film leaned too heavily on her gender identity as a defining trait (and it did), this movie doesn’t fix that problem at all: it doubles down on it. 

The good news for most of the excess of male characters is, they by-and-large don’t feel as OOC as they did in the first film. The boorish romantic entanglement aside, Bruce Banner is still a naturalistic character highlight (all credit to Mark Ruffalo, who probably doesn’t know how to turn in a bad performance in the first place), and Thor’s dialogue is way less ridiculous this time ‘round, so he lands a lot closer to his personality from previous films simply by virtue of sounding like the same guy (unfortunately, the plot does not have the faintest idea what it wants to do with him as a character). Steve Rogers is still being written as if being Captain America is his character, which is a fundamental misunderstanding of his identity, albeit one which conveniently allows him to behave in a stereotypical self-righteously bland manner, thus avoiding the need for any nuance in his perspective or actions. This borderline fanfic-flamer ‘Captain America is my least favourite character so I’m going to write him as a boring stick-in-the-mud and then hopefully no one else will like him either!’ approach doesn’t grate quite as badly as it did in the first Avengers, and it can’t cancel out the innate level-headed charm of Chris Evans, so as disappointing as the bias is, it’s still a better balance here than it was last time. The one character who is not so flatteringly handled, however? Also happens to be the one who was arguably handled best last time, and unfortunately, he’s the one who is essentially treated as the ‘lead’. 

The big problem for Tony Stark is that this movie is not interested in digging in to the pathos of any character, it’s all-flash-no-substance on that front, and Tony really, really needed a less heavy-handed slathering of ‘afraid of what might come (feat. messiah complex)’ to motivate his actions and reactions in this film, because without any exploration he’s basically just a billionaire kid playing with matches. If this were an Iron Man film (either the first or third one, anyway), we’d get into some tasty deconstruction of Tony’s mental state and confront his hubris, etc, and - crucially, most crucial of all, it’s a mainstay of all his past stories in the MCU - Tony would own up to his mistakes, listen to the advice of those around him, and take contrite steps toward fixing the problem not just in the direct sense of ‘beating the bad guy’, but also in the personal and emotional sense of working on his own flaws and making amends with the people he hurt along the way. This movie offers none of that. To begin with, Tony’s ‘I know best and I will not be taking any questions’ approach to creating Ultron feels like a significant step backwards in his character development so far (Iron Man 3 was specifically about addressing his PTSD and associated tumultuous emotions surrounding the fear of imminent alien invasion, so his reactionary and secretive behaviour in this film feels particularly out-of-touch with a mental reality Tony has been explicitly working on for the past couple of years); Tony is actively aware that it’s a bad call and thus hides it from the other Avengers until it’s too late, and then he’s bizarrely unrepentant about his mistake. Worst of all, he actually attempts to repeat that mistake, only worse, late in the film (the fact that his idiotic ‘mad scientist’ pep talk actually convinces Bruce to help him again is the weakest character moment for Bruce outside of the aforementioned romance crap). The plot rewards Tony’s second, far worse mistake, in the creation of Vision, who turns out to be ‘worthy of wielding Thor’s Hammer’ and whatnot and conveniently provides every necessary skill to defeat Ultron in a deus ex machina so overt you could use it as a textbook example, so even though Tony had absolutely no way of knowing that he’d get a good result this time and almost every reason to believe he’d just compound the existing problem, his reckless disregard for the literal safety of the planet is treated like a good thing because it happens to work out this time, and they just kinda sweep under the rug the fact that Tony is playing God (and being uncharacteristically stupid and selfish about it - in other films, Tony is normally only reckless with his own safety, and it’s when his actions spill out into unintended consequences for others that he realises the error of his ways and cues up a positive learning curve; it’s what makes him palatable). At the end of the film, once Ultron is gone and Tony has thrown some dispassionate wads of cash into ‘relief efforts’, he strolls and quips and eventually drives off into the sunset in his expensive car, with nary a mention of, I dunno, maybe a little guilty conscience? Maybe a hint of having learned a valuable lesson? The closest he gets is just suggesting that it might be time he retires from Avenging, but neither he nor anyone else lets on that there’s a need for serious self-reflection. The Tony Stark in this movie is the nightmarish male-fantasy version of the character, the playboy with the cool tech and no limits who does whatever he wants and then...literally rides off into the sunset in the end, no muss, no fuss. He’s kinda like a complete reversion to his original self, pre-Iron Man, frittering money around and designing weapons of mass destruction while convincing himself he’s bringing peace to the world one explosion at a time, but that Tony has no business here, seven years of character development down the track.

While we’re talking iffy characterisation, we should also segue into plot, and that’s something we can do easily enough by looking at our villain, Ultron. Calling Ultron an actual character feels...ambitious. He’s a CGI robot full of empty rhetoric and, you guessed it, more of those quips that this movie has in place of any meaningful dialogue. I’d call him self-fellating, but he ain’t got nothing to fellate, so instead he just blathers a lot in a manner that sounds vaguely poetically intelligent but is, upon a moment’s consideration, just vapid nonsense (much like Loki in the first Avengers, as noted above, but at least Loki had the benefit of a flesh-and-blood actor delivering his lines with conviction; James Spader does solid work as the voice of Ultron, but trying to make a CGI robot who spouts a school-kid’s attempt at edgy philosophy sound like a genuine menace is an uphill battle). Speaking of genuine menace, I assume the reason the film is called Age of Ultron is because A Couple of Days of Ultron Causing Disturbances in a Handful of Specific Locations was too much. For all the big talk (and there is..so much), Ultron doesn’t get up to all that much trouble, most notably in the sense that he apparently has his code all over the internet and yet he doesn’t bother stirring up a single ounce of chaos with that ungodly power. Why bother including this as an element of the character if it achieves zero story? Is it purely to make Ultron seem ~unstoppable~ because he keeps downloading into new robots? Because it didn’t really land, y’all. They try to play it like a big victory for the good guys when Vision burns Ultron out of the ‘net, but in context it’s meaningless because he didn’t do anything while he was there. Pretty much everything about Ultron was all talk, little to no action - even a whole bunch of the trouble he did cause happened off-screen, with Maria Hill just popping in to let us know that ‘there are reports of metal men stealing shit’. Cheers, cool. And you know, Ultron makes a song and dance about how he’s going to save the world by ‘ending the Avengers’, but then he...does not pursue that at all. He tries to make himself a pretty body, the Avengers thwart him, and then he enacts a doomsday machine to destroy all life on Earth. Like every other aspect of the character, the whole ‘end the Avengers’ schtick is just white noise, there’s no meaning in it. Ultron is just a same-old-same ‘What if Artificial Intelligence wants to WIPE US OUT?!’ cliche, and maybe that’s what he was in the comics too, I don’t know, but it’s the job of the film to tell that story in a dynamic way, and they had two and a half hours to do it. And yet.

There should be more to this than a nondescript placeholder villain concept and a series of action set pieces that just kinda happen until they stop. At least the first Avengers had some variety in each of its action sequences, using the location and the different skills and weapons of its antagonists, whereas this one is just ‘there are robots and the good guys punched and shot them until they were all broken, the end’. Even making the city fly in the end doesn’t actually make it interesting, not least because the characters spend most of their time running around the (weirdly, perfectly stable) streets not having to deal with any consequences of being up in the air anyway, and the doomsday device is too nebulous to ratchet up any real tension about figuring out how to deal with it. The conflicts with the Maximoff twins have at least some spark of life in them, but the characters themselves are treated to an over-simplified and very contrived narrative arc that uses what they do and what they know more as plot devices than as details of actual people’s lives, leading to a cheap death for Pietro so that Wanda will be distracted enough to abandon the big ol’ doomsday button, and it’s just all so convenient. There’s no heart in any of it, and it makes the moments that try to have heart all the more embarrassing and out-of-place (don’t even get me started on what a prescribed attempt at tugging the heart-strings it is to have Hawkeye name his magnificently well-timed newborn after Pietro, because DAMN). When I said I liked this movie better than the first Avengers, I meant just that: I like this better. That’s not to suggest that it is significantly better in any sense, because it isn’t, and I can’t even argue that this one has a better story, because honestly, it doesn’t. The first film made more sense, it was just less interesting to watch, and the things about it that were contrived were contrived in different ways. The first film was weaker and more irritating on character, and character is always the most important part of a story for me, so as annoyed as I am by the major character blunders in Age of Ultron, I’m still not as annoyed as I was after The Avengers. That is damning with the faintest of praise; this is just not a particularly good movie, it makes a poor use of its cast at the best of times, delivers a sub-par action extravaganza, and the script is not half as witty as it gleefully convinces itself that it is. It comes as no surprise, I’m sure, that I am very glad a certain writer/director departed the franchise after disappointing everyone with this outing. I say I like this better than the first Avengers, but gee, it’s a close call.

[mst3kproject]

307: Daddy-O

I am nearly convinced that Alphabet Antics represents some kind of early MKULTRA experiment. There’s something about the juxtaposition of the chaotic imagery and the narrator’s soothing voice… like it’s trying to put me into a trance and a seizure at the same time.  I don’t yet feel any need to ask my neighbours if they’re communists but it might take a while to sink in.

On to the movie.  Our hero is Phil, who’s sort of a prototype of Buffalo Bill from Riding With Death in that he’s a singer, a trucker, and a racecar driver all in one.  As the film opens he’s just met a girl named Janet who’s even worse at both driving and social skills than he is – clearly they were made for each other.  Sure enough, they team up to investigate the death of Phil’s nerdy friend Sonny, and discover he was making deliveries for a drug ring.  Unusually for a movie like this, they do end up agreeing to call the cops, but only after they have committed several more crimes, and this waiting nearly gets them both killed.

I don’t like Daddy-O, but that’s not so much because of anything the movie does wrong as just because it’s not the kind of film I enjoy.  As MST3K features go, it’s actually not bad – not great, certainly, but solid enough.  The race scenes aren’t all that exciting, but we’re never at a loss for what’s going on.  The exposition can be clunky, but it tells us what we need to know.  The main character doesn’t make much of an impression, but we’re only gonna be spending seventy-three minutes with him and there’s enough going on that it doesn’t matter, and the movie never tries to do anything that’s beyond its meager budget.

The music, meanwhile, is pretty good.  I’m not gonna run out and buy the album (was there an album?) but the songs are quite catchy in a good way, and the score as a whole isn’t bad. I guess that makes sense, since the John Williams who wrote it was in fact that John Williams.  Like Vilmos Zsigmund shooting Mixed-Up Zombies or J. J. Abrams mixing sound for Nightbeast, everybody’s gotta start somewhere.  The music even approaches having some story relevance: the first song Phil sings is Rock Candy Baby, about a woman whose defining feature is her sweetness, and whom the narrator views as a possession (Rock Candy Baby, you’re mine).  Wait’ll I Get You Home suggests a less innocent relationship, in which both parties are a little more aggressive – he directs this towards Marcia, but we are meant to see that his tastes have changed as he grows to like the abrasive Janet.

Why he likes her I don’t know. I don’t know why any of us are supposed to like Janet (it’s so weird to think there was a time when that name could belong to a cute blonde in a sports car, rather than a woman who wants to speak to your manager).  She’s smug and rude the first time we meet her, lies in the knowledge that the road workers will take her side because boobies, and only changes her attitude towards Phil when she realizes he could make a pretty convincing case that she’s a murderer.  She’s supposed to be a ‘liberated woman’, doing what she wants and keeping the company that pleases her, but Phil disapproves of this and so does the movie.

The way Phil behaves towards Janet isn’t particularly admirable, either.  He talks down to her and manhandles her, and declares several times that if she were a man he’d punch her.  I hope nobody in my audience is the type of clown who’d ask ‘if women are equal does that mean men are allowed to hit them?’ but in case somebody is: I don’t think people should hit each other at all, outside of in self-defense or sports that require it.  Since neither of these apply to Phil and Janet then no, he should not hit her, no matter how obnoxious she’s being, and this would be true if she were a man, too.

Why are we supposed to root for these two to hook up?  None of their interactions are romantic and their arguments, rather than building sexual tension, just make it look like they can’t stand each other.  The ‘rivals to lovers’ trope was already old when Shakespeare did it, but Much Ado About Nothing makes it clear from the beginning that Beatrice and Benedick are actually rather fond of each other and enjoy their insult contests.  When our first interaction between our romantic leads has one party threatening to deck the other, that doesn’t work.

Another character I don’t quite get is Daddy-O’s criminal mastermind, Mr. Sidney Chillas.  Between his way of talking and his love of steam baths and manicures, I have a feeling he might be a gay stereotype of some sort, but I don’t know enough about the 50’s mindset to say.  He seems to think very highly of himself, particularly his intellect, and yet his reasons for hiring Phil don’t make much sense.  If he were half as smart as he claimed to be he would have turned this man away as soon as he learned that Phil had been taking an interest in Sonny’s death – or at least watched him far more closely, as he implied to his lackeys he would.

Is this the joke, that Chillas thinks he’s smart and he’s not? If so, it should be a repeated source of humour, rather than just a single doozy of a stupid mistake.  Or is he actually supposed to be a brilliant strategist and businessman?  Because if that’s the case, then I don’t buy it.

Chillas’ questionable intelligence is linked to another thing in the plot that doesn’t work – it seems to be a complete coincidence that he decides he wants to hire Phil.  When I sat down to watch the movie again, I remembered it as Phil deliberately seeking employment with Chillas in order to find out what happened to Sonny.  I think this is supposed to be part of the reason, but it’s mostly implied, and it’s Chillas who approaches Phil in the club to talk employment with him.  At this point he should have already seen that Phil was hanging out with Sonny the night the latter was murdered.  Or if Chillas sought out Phil specifically to keep an eye on him (or indeed, both), that would work, too, but Chillas specifically says he does not find Phil suspicious.  The movie has already had a big coincidence when Sonny just happens to die along the route where Phil and Janet were racing.  It’s not allowed a second one.

Other than that, though, the movie works pretty well.  Events follow one another in a fairly logical sequence, and the clue that Sonny left exists for a reason other than being A Clue. Daddy-O really isn’t trying to teach us anything, but that’s okay.  All a movie really has to do is tell an engaging story, although ones that don’t have a psychological theme often end up feeling, as this one does, a bit unsatisfying.  The only thing it really emphasizes and returns to is that women are bad drivers.

Janet’s driving and her bad manners are the focus of what I guess is her character arc – at the beginning she’s driving like a madwoman and nearly causing accidents just to entertain herself, at the end she’s using her skills to deliver Chillas’ lackeys to the police.  At the beginning she’s rude and abrasive to Phil, by the end she’s fallen in love with him.  We’re not given any better a reason why she likes him than for him to like her. He’s been a jerk to her, too.

Phil’s arc is supposed to be falling in love with Janet, and that’s pretty much it.  He doesn’t learn anything much about himself or the world in the process.  It seems like he ought to confront the fact that his best friend, Sonny, didn’t trust him with the truth – shouldn’t there be some angst about that, or the fact that Sonny didn’t ask Phil for help paying for his mother’s treatment rather than turning to a life of crime?  Between that and the fact that Janet turns out to be a lot nicer once you get to know her, the movie could have been about how you can never be sure you know somebody, but they didn’t bother.

The friendship between Phil and Sonny was particularly poorly-handled. Phil says, some people have brothers, I had Sonny, but this is the epitome of telling rather than showing.  When we see the two interact, Sonny refuses to talk about what’s bothering, gives Phil a locker key, and vanishes.  We know nothing about Sonny other than that he apparently wasn’t too bright (he hid the drugs in his locker at a gym owned by a guy he must know works for Chillas), and so we find it hard to get involved in Phil’s quest to find out what happened to him.  We believe far more in Phil’s driving skills because we saw those in the opening sequence. It’s disappointing that the later scenes mostly just show him at a steering wheel in front of a projection screen, but because we’ve already seen him on the road, we can believe in it.

The problems in Daddy-O are pretty easy to pick out, and could have been fixed with just one more script rewrite – none of them would have required more money or even better actors, and they would have made the whole story much more satisfying and meaningful.  The movie as it is works well enough for a crummy B-picture, but just a little more work could have made it an A.  It was also supposed to be career musician Dick Contino’s big break into film, but he ended up being in only four movies between 1958 and 1960 before deciding it just wasn’t worth it.  Since one of the other three was Girls Town, that means no less than half his entire filmography was featured on MST3K!

[coffee-obsessed-writer]

Can’t Say No

Rosa Diaz x Fem!Reader

A/N: From anon request:  Rosa x !fem reader in which Rosa is acting off, and R excepting her to break up with them, is caught off guard when she proposes the her in front of the 99, where the pair work.

Hope you like it, anonny!

Words: 3417

Warnings: None really

B99 Tags: @kazosa  // @docharleythegeekqueen  // @taking-out-the-trash-fam // @53v3nn4t10n4rmy  // @sorenmarie87  // @lefthologramdeer  // @courtneychicken // @bisexualdolphinthings // @through-thesilver-lining // @idontfuckingknowgurl // @vickyfarley

“So, what are your plans for when Gina gets back?” Amy asked, pulling up a chair beside your desk. “I mean, she’s going to be back in a week! I can’t believe it. Her maternity leave went by so fast.”

You snorted a laugh but kept your eyes on the paperwork in front of you. “I honestly have no idea. Seriously though, how did she pull off getting eighteen months’ worth of maternity leave?”

Amy shrugged. “She’s Gina. It's really all I can come up with. It’ll be weird around here without you though.”

You nodded in agreement and added the papers to the casefile beside you. “I’m sure gonna miss this place. Especially all of you.”

The job was only temporary, you’d known that from the beginning. Now that it was coming to an end, you felt sad and not just because you’d miss working at the Nine Nine. Mostly, it was because of Rosa.

It took a while, but after a few months, Detective Diaz began to warm up to you. Eventually, engaging you in conversation every day. A few times, you caught her subtly staring at you while at her desk or hovering around the vending machines in the break room. At first, it was intimidating. You’d been warned about her surly and somewhat combative nature even having witnessed it on more than one occasion.

It wasn’t until that first night out with the squad at Shaw’s that you realized there was much more to the cagy detective. She had a few shots and her normally tight-lipped persona opened up. After watching her for a while that night, you couldn’t help but fall a little bit in love. She was playing darts with Jake and from across the bar, you could hear her laugh cut through the Friday night crowd.

Sitting up on your stool, you glanced her way and she just happened to be looking yours. This pang of flutters erupted in your chest and when she started walking your way, you couldn’t take your eyes off her. She stood next to you but struck up a conversation with Amy. You listened nonchalantly, trying not to be too affected by her general presence, but could feel yourself failing miserably.

Amy was called away, which left you and Rosa alone at the bar and more than a little tipsy. You didn’t know what to say and hoped that she would either start the conversation or walk away.

“So,” she started, turning towards you, and resting her one elbow on the bar, her hip hitched out and kicked one boot over the other. She cocked her head and allowed her dark eyes to wander before bringing them back to yours, “you play darts?”

“Not really. A few times here and there, but I’m not very good.”

“C’mon. I’ll teach you.”

She didn’t wait for you to accept the invitation. Rosa grabbed your arm and led you to the now vacant dart board.

“Stand here,” she said and positioned you behind a worn piece of tape on the floor and went to gather the darts. She turned and strutted back to you, the sway of her hips making your heart beat slightly faster.

Rosa stood behind you and handed you a dart. She fixed your grip on it and then positioned your arm up in proper throwing stance. Her head was flush against yours, her lips near your ear. She pulled your wrist backward, letting her hands linger before releasing you and accidentally brushing against the side of your breast.

“Now, aim at the bullseye and throw,” she rasped and expelled a gentle breath of warm air against your neck, sending a river of goosebumps to race down your body.

You did as commanded, hurling the dart at the board and squealing with delight with it hit right outside the bullseye. Rosa leaned back against the pillar beside you and crossed her arms over her chest. A lustful smirk played on her lips when you turned and grabbed more darts off the table. She watched as you threw them, each hitting the board somewhere, purring with satisfaction.

“I may be reading this wrong,” she said with the rise of one eyebrow, “but, do you wanna get out of here? Go… somewhere else.”

“Yes,” you answered quickly, then chuckled nervously. “I mean, yeah, sure. Where do you wanna go?”

Rosa shrugged. “Let’s get some food, sober up a bit, take a ride on my bike. See what happens…”

That night of drinking and darts turned into breakfast the next morning, and your first kiss later that day. The next night you and Rosa went out again, and within a week you were inseparable, both at work and at home.

  “Y/N?” Amy questioned, waving her hand in front of your face. “You still with me?”

Snapping out of the daydream of your beginning with Rosa, you refocused on Detective Santiago. “Sorry, what?”

“I just asked if you wanted to get some lunch?”

“Oh, no. Thanks though. I’m gonna wait for Rosa to get back.”

“Oh, um… she was back and left again. Said she had lunch plans,” Amy replied, her nose wrinkling when she realized you hadn’t known that. “I’m sorry. I thought you knew.”

Rosa hadn’t mentioned any lunch plans; or plans of any kind, at all. Unless she was working a case, you always had lunch together. “I guess she forgot to mention it.” But had she? There were little things over the last couple days that had felt weird. Rosa was quieter than usual, and two nights in the past week she went back to her place instead of staying at yours. She didn’t invite you to stay over, either. Now, this?

“Jake and I are going to grab some pizza if you want to come,” she offered with a shrug of consolation.

“That’s alright. I really should just stay in and get this stuff filed.”

Amy offered a sympathetic smile and went to find Jake. You watched, feeling a little sad, as she and Jake got on the elevator hand in hand. It made you miss Rosa and wonder where she was.

Grabbing your cell, you hit speed dial and waited for Rosa to answer. After ringing several times, it went to voicemail. You didn’t bother leaving a message because you knew she most likely wouldn’t check.

 The lunch hour came and went, and there was no return call from Rosa. Jake and Amy returned from their outing and immediately got called out on a potential case. The other uniforms and detectives came and went, but no sign of Rosa.

Captain Holt gave you a few errands to run throughout the building, and as you were returning to your floor, you thought you caught sight of her as the elevator doors were about to close. She caught you seeing her but quickly turned before you could even gesture a wave. By the time you reached your destination, there was evidence she’d been at her desk, but she was nowhere in sight.

Another hour went by, and you tried to call her again. This time it didn’t even ring, went right to voice mail. Something was wrong, and all the signs you had been seeing up until this moment, the ones you were trying to blow off became glaringly obvious: Rosa wanted to break up.

A wave of sadness broke over you. As calmly as possible you got up from the desk and casually made your way out the door to the roof. You closed your eyes and lifted your face up to the warm breeze that was blowing through Brooklyn on that summer’s day. You thought back to a few weeks before, right before Fourth of July...

  It was hot. Rosa had been working nonstop as if the current heat wave was driving everyone in the city insane. She had given you a key to her apartment, told you to meet her there. When you got in, the air conditioning wasn’t working and the air was stagnant and oppressive. You knew she would want to cool off and relax over the holiday weekend but going to the beach would only be exhausting. Too many people trying to cool off in a space that was meant for maybe only half the number there.

It was the first bit of time off Rosa had in months and you wanted it to be both relaxing for her, and special for the two of you. Checking the clock, you realized you had about two hours to put something together to surprise her with, and by the time she arrived home, all the pieces were in place.

Rosa hulked into the apartment, tossing her helmet on the table, along with her key, and falling face first onto the couch with a long groan.

“It’s too hoooot,” she whined and pushed herself off the couch. “Why is it hot in here?”

“Because AC is broke. You gotta call your super,” you said walking into the living room from the kitchen. “How was work, babe?”

Rosa groaned again and rolled her eyes. She looked at you and saw the smile you wore. “What did you do?” she queried, ignoring your own question.

“What do you mean?” you asked, feigning innocence.

“You’re up to something. I know it. Whenever you smile like that—”

“You pay attention to my types of smiles?”

Rosa got off the couch and moved towards you. “I pay attention to everything.”

“Do you?” you asked with a seductive rise of your brow, “Okay detective, what do you make of this?” You handed her your cell phone with the information from the reservation still on the screen.

Rosa read it and looked at you with an expression of genuine surprise. “We’re going to the mountains? To this house? When?”

“Today. Now, actually. We can be there in two hours if you like. There’s a private beach on the lake, huge kitchen, oh and even a little home movie theater inside. Deposit isn’t refundable but—”

“We’re going. Right now,” she said right before planting an excited kiss on your lips. “Just let me pack.”

“Already done, babe.”

You nodded towards the overnight backpack on the table. “I figured you’d wanna take your bike, so I packed light.”

Rosa swallowed thickly and sighed. “I love you.”

Her words hit you hard, and you tried to not have an extreme reaction. She could just be saying it in response to the trip you’d planned last minute, or because you knew she’d wanna take the bike. You didn’t think she really meant that she was in love with you, so you simply smiled and turned to grab your own bag.

“Y/N,” she said, gently touching your shoulder, and guiding you back close into her. Her gaze upon you was soft and wistful while her fingers glided effortlessly along your bare shoulder and up your neck. “I mean it. I love you. I didn’t expect too. Like, at all. Yet, here we are. I don’t expect you to say it back--”

“I’m in love with you, Rosa.” Your heart was pounding in your chest, just like it did that night you played darts. Your hands were shaking, as was the rest of you, but you’d said it, finally. You were in love with her, and she was in love with you. 

“Good.”

She tangled her hand in your hair and pushed your mouth into hers. Her kiss was soft and warm and laced with that extra edge of desire that comes after a confession of love. You could feel yourself wanting to give in, but you knew that would have to wait until you reached the cabin.

Pulling away, you heard a growl of frustrating rumble from her chest. “Come on, plenty of time for that when we get there.”

  The slam of the door to the roof brought you back to the present. Furiously swiping at your eyes to clear the tears, you smoothed out your clothes and turned to see who was there.

“Y/N?” Charles asked, cell phone hoovering at his ear. “Are you alright?” He pocketed the device and joined you near the ledge. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” you said and smiled wanly. “Just thinking. Have you, by any chance seen Rosa?”

“Earlier today. Said she had something to take care of, but when I asked about it she clamed up and took off.”

You sighed and nodded in understanding. “She’s avoiding me.”

“No, no way,” Charles replied adamantly shaking his head. “Rosa… she’s not. She’s just busy. You know how she is—”

“Charles, I appreciate what you’re doing, but I’m not stupid. She’s been avoiding me all day. Even over the last week. She’s super secretive, won’t return my calls most of the time. She’s not wanted to see each other outside of work much, either. Things were going so well, I just don’t know what happened.”

Charles’ expression was pained, but he did his best to comfort you when he saw the fresh set of tears forming in your eyes.

“Y/N, you don’t know that. I know Rosa. She wouldn’t just—” he stopped himself, knowing that she would just break off a relationship without notice. “I’ve seen how she looks at you. Girl, I know that look well. It’s how I used to look at Rosa.”

You chuckled, knowing that his words came from a genuine attempt to comfort you. “I don’t want to lose her, Charles. I really do love her. But with this job ending soon and Gina coming back, maybe she just wants to cut ties. She’s bored with me, or maybe, I’m just not the one she wants long term.”

A buzzing came from deep within your pocket, causing you and Boyle both to jump. You pulled it from your pocket and saw there was a text from Rosa. All it said was: ‘Come to the briefing room, we need to talk.’

A lump of despair settled in your gut and you suddenly just wanted to run. If she couldn’t find you, she couldn’t break up with you. As childish as it sounded, it was all you could think of.

“She wants to talk,” you managed to get out, though low and broken. “Now, here… in the briefing room. How could she—here?! Of all places…”

Charles was shaking his head, grimacing with disappointment. “I love that woman, but sometimes Ro-Ro doesn’t know what she’s doing. Come on, I’ll go with you.”

“No, Charles. I have to face this on my own.”

 When you walked back into the bullpen, the entire floor was empty. No detectives, no uniformed officers going about their business. Holt’s office was dark, his door closed, and there was no one sitting in lock up.

You passed a curious look to Charles, who just shrugged and looked just as dumbfounded as you did. The door to the briefing room was closed and the shades were drawn, but you could see light coming from under the crack in the door. Just before you turned the handle and entered, you gave Charles one more look and he offered you his most sympathetic smile.

“I’ll be right here if you need me.”

“Thank you, Charles. You’re a good friend.”

Once you worked up the nerve to open the door, you were immediately stopped in your tracks by everything in front of you.

Rosa was standing in the middle of the room, surrounded by a dozen flashlights; some stood up straight on the tables shining up, some hung from the ceiling shining down. Your favorite flowers were scattered throughout the room, along with your favorite song playing softly on the PA system from above. Jake, Amy, Sargent Jeffords and Captain Holt were standing behind her, along with half a dozen of the uniforms; all smiling like idiots, except Holt of course who was completely unreadable. 

“Sorry I missed your calls before,” Rosa said calmly. She took a few steps towards you and gave into the sly smile that wanted to peek out. “I was a little busy.”

“I can see that,” you said breathlessly. “What is this?”

From behind you, you could hear Charles excitedly stammering, but unable to form any real words. Jake quickly skirted by you and Rosa from the back of the room and escorted Boyle towards the back with everyone else.

“What the—Is she propo—”

“Charles! Shhhhhh!” Amy reprimanded as Jake pulled him in with a pat on the upper arm.

Rosa gave a warning glance over her shoulder and Charles quieted down quickly but watched in a state of euphoria.

She turned back to you, her face softened. “Well, I’ve been wanting to do this for a while, but I’m not really good at this stuff. So, I got these dorks back here to help me out.”

“How come I didn’t know? Why wasn’t this dork invited to help? I love this kind of stuff!” Charles whined but one further look from Rosa made him withdraw again.

Rosa reached into her pocket and when her hand emerged, she held up a platinum banded ring with a large opal in the center. Surrounding the opal, were tiny diamond chips that sparkled in the reflection of the flashlights.

You inhaled sharply as she bent down on one knee, holding up the ring with one hand and taking your hand with the other.

“Figured, if I’m only going to do this once in my life, I want it to be special. These people, they’re my family. I know them. I trust them. I wanted them to be here for this, so they know how much you really mean to me and that I want you to be my family, too. So, I wanted to know if maybe you wanted to get married, or something?”

Rosa was nervous but hid it well to everyone but you. Her hand that was holding the ring was shaking ever-so-slightly, and in some way, made you feel a little less nervous. For Rosa to do this so publicly, her love for you must run deeper than you thought. You knelt down in front of her so you were eye level.

“I never wanted anything more in my life,” you whispered, caressing her face with your free hand.

She sighed with relief and kissed you, forgetting the audience in the rear of the room despite their cheers of excitement and congratulations. Carefully slipping the ring on your finger, she stood up and brought you with her.

“Good. I was worried you’d say no. Then I’d have to move and change my identity again,” she mused, eliciting looks of curiosity to run through her colleagues. “It would be a nightmare.”

“Well, we wouldn’t want that,” you teased and wrapped your arms around her neck. “You scared the crap out of me, just for the record.”

“How?”

“I thought you were breaking up with me. The way you’ve been this week, and avoiding me today…”

“I’m sorry. I just wanted this to be perfect.”

“Awww,” Amy mewed, her hands clasped over her heart as she rested her head on Jake’s shoulder.

“Guys, this is amazing! I am over the moon for you! But Rosa, why didn’t you ask me to help?!” Charles asked, looking between Rosa and the rest of the squad.

“Because, no offense Boyle, but you can’t always keep a secret,” Amy answered for Rosa, but Rosa nodded in agreement.

You laughed, but then looked at Amy in surprise. “You knew this whole time? Even this afternoon when I was worried about her avoiding me?”

“Sorry,” she said with an apologetic shrug. “I was sworn to secrecy. No way I’m gonna spill Rosa’s secrets.”

“Smart,” Rosa replied and then turned back to you. “So, you sure about this? Ready for a lifetime with me and these guys, here?”

You glanced over your shoulder and watched them debating Boyle’s ability to keep a secret and smiled. “Yes, I am ready for a lifetime with you… all of you.”

Rosa smirked and twisted a finger in your hair. You kissed her softly and relished in the sweet taste of her lip balm. The chatter behind you began to grow, your moment of romance fading quickly as the squad continued prattling on amongst themselves.

“Wanna get outta here?” she asked quietly, entwining her fingers into yours.

“Yes, very much so. My place or yours?”

“Better idea,” she said and smiled as she held up her phone and showed you the reservation confirmation for the same cabin you had earlier in the summer.

“Holt gave us a few days off. Wanna go?”

You smiled wide and felt an urge to kiss her again. Knowing that the next kiss would be the one that led down a very primal path, you decided to hold that one until you reached the cabin.

“Hell yeah. Let’s ride, baby.”

[manifestoonmoralmanlove]

Help I’m being harassed by the #1 sexeist man! Review

Sorry I had this mostly finished on the backburner for awhile but Soulless grabbed my attention pretty hard.  BUT NOW THIS IS FINISHED! I hope you enjoy!

Summarize

So the story is as follows…Takato is an actor who was voted Japan’s sexiest man for a few years in a row. However his title is usurped by this dude named Junta that he’s working on a new movie with.  Takato is salty about this but is professional about it and just kinda harbors secret bitter feelings.  He is polite to and gives advice to Junta when asked.  Junta invites him out to drinks, Takato doesn’t want to but everyone within a 5 mile radius swoops in to pressure him into it so he caves.

GOD WHY IS THAT A THING? That for sure happened in Love Stage and I’m sure I’ve seen that trope elsewhere.  Where not just a 3rd party will pressure a reluctant uke but like a fucking horde of strangers with nothing to gain from it just crawl out from under the fucking floor boards like little hack-handy roaches to advance this shitty plot.

ANYWAY!

Junta gets Takato drunk, films embarrassing stuff that he threatens to blackmail him with, and a fucking horror scene of a rape ensues.  Like, not dissimilar from Junjou in the fact that the atmosphere is drawn as oppressive, the uke is riddled with very palatable fear, the seme wears crazed expressions, and behaves violently.  Hell, Takato manages to shove him off and tries to lock himself in the bathroom for his own safety but Junta rips the door off its fucking hinges. Takato PLEADS like BEGS for him not to but he is violently raped against the wall while Takato cries saying OUT LOUD that THIS IS RAPE!  Afterwards he’s crying and shaking, talking out loud about how he’s frightened if others find out and feeling humiliated.

Junta picks him up and is like, “Man I guess I got carried away, but like REAL TALK I have a crush on you. The rape was kinda bad I guess, but it’s not my fault cause I literally cannot control any of my actions. I can prove I like you by having gentle sex with you in the bed.”

Takato agrees to this.

I BEG YOUR FUCKING PARDON?!

The implication here is that Junta just looked SO SWEET! But like also it wasn’t gentle sex at all and Junta is going to continue to blackmail him. HAR HAR!

Like here is a hot fucking take authors and fans of this particular type of garbage… that kind of writing does not make this more consensual and okay.

Like if you threw a dude in a pit full of scorpions, and he is being stung by a thousand stingers and the poison is slowly and painfully shutting down all of his bodily functions and it’s all really gruesome…but then someone asks if he wants to be saved and the dude in the pit goes from screaming in agony to saying, “Actually I like it down here.”

Does that mean being pushed into that pit, and what he went through in that pit is okay? NO

What does him suddenly wanting to marry all of those 1000 scorpions mean?

IT MEANS YOU’RE A FUCKING HACK WRITER WILLFULLY CONTRIBUTING TO RAPE CULTURE FOR A QUICK BUCK YOU HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!

Like you can have your stories where a rapist is redeemed from his awful actions, but more often than not I see these fucking outrageous hairpin fucking turns in writing.  

I mean, Junta does apologize?  Which is better than some semes but honestly I’d rather him not even bother because he’s not sincere.  He apologizes all the time for the sex acts he puts Takato through but goes on to blackmail him, hurts him, abducts him, and threatens him to his face with more rape. LIKE NOT EXACTLY FEELING AS IF YOU TOTES CARE ABOUT HOW HE FEELS ABOUT ALL THIS, BOYO!

The next chapter while they’re being filmed for the show Takato throws him against the wall and hijacks the dialog to make it sound sexually threatening.  Takato IN HIS MIND ADMITS “DAMN HE’S ACTUALLY USING ENOUGH FORCE TO HURT ME!!!!”  So after this shot, Takato gives Junta some advice and makes no shit, this fucking face…                        

And that…face, (improperly attached to what I presume is a series of straws coated in plaster masquerading as a neck)  gives Junta that GOTTA RAPE NOW BONER!

So that’s what happens, he just violently drags off a kicking and screaming Takato in the middle of shooting and no one bats a fucking eye. SEEMS LEGIT!  What’s baffling to me is they don’t even draw a sex scene for this.

MY BRO, WHAT IS EVEN THE FUCKING POINT THAN OF ALL THESE RAPE SCENERIOS IF THERE AREN’T HIDEOUS MELTING FACES AND WACKY INFLATABLE TUBE MAN BODIES TO GO WITH IT!?

But afterwards Junta says the classic creepy shit, “Give up already and become mine. I have no intention of giving you to someone else.” WE KNOW THE DRILL!

Takato looks up at Junta and goes, “Yeah guess I love this dude.”

AND LIKE FOR WHAT? FOR HUH? WHAT’S GOING ON HERE!?!!??!?!?!?!?

But also, are you fucking joking here? Like I’m not into the 10 volumes of “Am I gay or not?” bullshit we get in yaoi. But, depending on the pace and characterization, there’s nothing wrong with dragging out the love being 100% mutual. Here’s it’s in chapter fucking 2.  Even Junjou went at a slower pace than that.  When I read that I couldn’t help feeling like, “WELL WHAT’S THE CONFLICT IN THE NEXT 3 AND A HALF VOLUMES GOING TO BE?”

Which, admittedly is unfair, there can be lots of relationship conflict outside of mutually expressed love…However for a rapist/tsundere dynamic? That’s usually at least 75% of the conflict.  But oh, maybe this means we’re going to get different kinds of drama!  So even while it’s not good, we’re going to get something different!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

It’s utter NOT-CONFLICT is what we end up with.  3 different chapters are, “I haven’t seen much of him, that must mean he’s bored of me. Wah! Oh it turns out he was just busy. Oh that’s good.”  PAGING FUCKING JUNJOU WITH THAT SUPER FUN, ENGAGING, AND INTERESTING CONFLICT HARDY FUCKING HAR!

Then we take a hard right into sorta worst rapist territory.  What do you mean by SORTA worst rapist Faps?

Well……

There’s a new actor Takato is working with and this new actor, and the new actor’s coding as a bad guy is about as subtle as a punch to the mouth. So new actor gets Takato drunk enough for him to pass out, gives him a hickey and ????????????

2 things happen in these situations in yaoi typically

1.)    SOMEHOW the seme MAGICS his way there beats up the worst rapist

2.)    This happens after the uke and seme have a fight. So uke realizes how mean he was for not being 100% down with all the seme’s shitty behavior cause there is a worst rapist out there. He runs crying to the seme apologizing and conflict solved.

We sorta get the 2nd here…but not in a straight-forward way.  For one there is no fight beforehand to set up any kind of relationship development.  What happens is that Takato wakes up mortified at the possibility he was raped while he was asleep.  He staggers around both in denial and utter shame.  Seme shows up and like only adds to this panic by yanking him around, forcefully washing his body, and screaming that his SLUTTY, SLUTTY FACE MANIPULATES MEN into raping him.  The seme tells him that they don’t have to have sex.  Which good, but I mean the scene is not framed as if Takato is doing this out of kindness but almost as a dare. The implication being if Takato doesn’t consent that he is the OTHER MAN’S BOY NOW and they should just break up. So there is implicit pressure there, but he does seem to initial consent.  Yet during the sex Takato internally cries about how much he hates it because his boyfriend is hate fucking him but he can’t say NO because than his boyfriend will hate him more.

LIKE FUCKING BIG YIKES MY FRIEND! IT’S SUPER UNCOMFORTABLE!

Which like, I could see a post-assault sex scene full of the emotional intensity of the anger, guilt, shame, fear all intermingling within both of them working well. (Not that post assault consensual sex is much of a thing.)  That they’re trying not to think of what Takato went through but it’s eating at both of them.  THAT COULD BE A REALLY INTENSE, WELL DONE SCENE!  However this is framed like seme ~taking back what’s his~ in a really cold, pissed-off way that’s AT BEST really insensitive to what the uke just went through and his current emotional state.  While Takato ~letting him~ cause he’s afraid his bf hates him for getting raped by someone not him.  Junta also disappears without a word, making Takato fear that YEP HIS BF DON’T WANT HIM CAUSE HE’S DAMAGED GOODS NOW!

But who has to apologize? THE UKE!

Also it turns out Takato was not raped cause worst rapist couldn’t get it up after Takato said his bf’s name in his sleep.  This is framed as better not cause of what the uke went through, but he didn’t really CHEAT so Junta can forgive him.

LIKE REALLY MY DUDE? YOU STARTED THIS OFF WRITTEN TAKATO MORE REALISTICALLY DEALING WITH THE DENIAL, DISGUST, AND SHAME OF ASSUALT AND INSTEAD JUST DEGRADED INTO THE SAME VICTIM-BLAMING HORSESHIT! GET FUCKED!

So the resolution is that the relationship is fixed and Junta threatens and blackmails the rapist. Which, I’m glad he didn’t get off scot-free but those interactions felt less like protecting the safety of Takato and more like, HE’S MY PROPERTY NO TOUCHY!

So from here we take a big turn.

Most of the 3rd volume is a big back-track to the beginning of their relationship before it was romantic or sexual.  And boy howdy it feels like a retcon for the fuck awful pace of the 1st volume.

Basically it’s about how Junta became obsessed with Takato while working on a movie cause idk he’s pretty and he accidently heard Takato say something shitty about him once. While I wouldn’t call this good the fact that they actually let this blooming of affection take place makes it the best chapters so far.

Like at the end Junta resolves himself to let his feelings be known and to start a romantic relationship with Takato.  Without the context, that felt like almost sweet? That he’s accepted his gay feelings and wants to share his life with Takato.  However if you REMEMBER THE CONEXT it means that Junta planned to drug, blackmail, and rape Takato WHICH YANNO REALLY TAKES A SHIT ON YOUR CUTE LITTLE FEATHERS BLOWING IN A BREEZE TO GO WITH HIS CUTSY MONOLOG YOU SHIT-SUCKER!

But lordy the next chapter comes along which is a retelling of this prequel from Takato perspective. The only saving grace here is that it’s not nearly as long as Junta’s.  Basically Takato realizes that Junta is OUT for him, and has a fucking frightened panic attack in his car afterwards. He’s literally shaking and monologing about how scary the situation and Junta are.  And this isn’t me even inferring words in Takato’s head, he repeats scary over and over.  Takato even decides to over book himself so he’ll have fewer chances to interact with Junta. So he does the classic ~pass-out from overwork~ thing so Junta can save him and from here we immediately transition to,

Oh now it’s modern day and they’re banging…..okay????? VOLUME ENDS

The next plot point comes down to this:

Paparazzi are OUT TO GET THEM! There is a photo leaked that isn’t really suggestive at all and Takato pretty much loses his job for it. However Takato finds out there is a much more damning picture of him and Junta, so he decides to break up with Junta, and like…just literally do whatever the paparazzi wants in order to protect Junta. But like, what’s the point of hiding it from Junta? And if this dude is going to blackmail you, what are you going to do to make sure their demands end or don’t get to the point that they’re unfeasible to continue giving in to them?

HAHA OH WELL!

Takato doesn’t even get to see the paparazzi again, his producer finds out and sexually assaults him to PROVE A POINT!

AND BOY HOWDY I’M WAY INTO THAT TROPE! LOOKING AT YOU OURAN HOST CLUB!

Cause HAHA nobody could literally want anything out of a wealthy, well-connected actor other than gay rape amirite?

Meanwhile Junta is cultivating a rumor that he’s having an affair with an actress.  Cause of fucking course Junta figured that the only reason his boyfriend (whom is often upset at how shitty he gets treated by him) is an elaborate ploy to protect him from the paparazzi.  But you know OF COURSE we see the actress and Junta flirting a bunch to stir the pot in a private setting but like…they only need to be seen on an outside date once.  This means that he’s fucking lying if he says that he only did it to SAVE BOTH OF THEM FROM THE PAPARAZZI.  He was getting a kick out of it, which I think you could argue that he was being unfaithful or in the very least being a fucking dick about it.

But, Junta goes on TV and says that he’s not having an affair with the actress or with Takato but he is moving in with Takato.

Yeah nothing dispels rumors of an intimate relationship like the announcement that they’re MOVING IN TOGETHER!  Now, as I understand it, the housing market is very different in Japan from the west and therefore it’s less of a huge TELL of an intimate relationship if two people move in together.  But even if that’s the case, saying you’re moving in with someone you’re accused of having an affair with…is not helping my friend.

However it is phrased this way, and immediately the entirety of the media believes this whole-heartedly, and the paparazzi guy (despite having a much more damning picture he hasn’t released) is like, “Wowzers he’s so smart, he has BEAT ME! I’m giving up being paparazzi.  That man CHANGED MY LIFE FOR THE BETTER! HOW COULD I EVER THANK HIM!?”  Even the fucking company that hired this paparazzi guy is like, “WELL I’M TAKING MY BUSINESS IN A NEW BETTER DIRECTION! THAT JUNTA GUY SURE, SHOWED ME!!!!”

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING!? You might as well have every criminal in Japan throw their hands up going, “WELL GOLLY!  DID YOU SEE HOW GREAT THE ACTUAL RAPIST AND ABUSER JUNTA IS? BEST NEVER DO A BAD THING EVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

GO EAT EVERY DICK!!!!

That’s pretty much the end up to this point.  I mean, there are some odds and ends chapters here and there but they’re pretty much excuses for sex chapters. And like, even though those are pretty rapey, I kinda respect them more than when you attempts to interject some semblance of relationship drama, cause holy hell that paparazzi shit ugh.

Though if you’ll allow a side rant from me about how the story treats sexual assault. According to the author it comes in a lot of flavors and most of them are awful.

For one: if it’s a hunky guy who loves you: Rape is great.

For two: if it’s a hunky guy but you already have a rapist errr boyfriend: You’re cheating.

For three: if you’re being obnoxiously sexually harassed by your superior….BUT YOUR PRODUCER IS AN OLDER EFFEMINATE GAY MAN: It’s hilarious and harmless and helps cement your Marty-stuness.

For four: if a woman is being groomed by a superior: It’s a bad thing that should be stopped.

3 and 4 happen within the same chapter but the author is so oblivious at the hypocrisy of the framing it’s absurd.

Story

Okay so the story is a mess. The relationship progression goes way too fast for it to make sense, and negates a lot of the drama you could have had.  It’s possible that the editors wanted sex ASAP for some kinda quota, and that’s not necessarily bad. But it really burns my biscuits when people think, “Oh that means lead with rape and that they’ll be in mutual love by chapter 2.”  

Sure most tsundere stories have a bit more lead up until the uke can confess he likes the seme back but this is not the right way to break that mold. The hairpin turn makes no sense and neuters a lot of potential conflict.

It puts the comic in a pacing hole to start and the rest of the story does little to mitigate this. I think there was an attempt to rectify this by going back to the story BEFORE they were a couple.  However that was horrible botched as well.  It brings the pacing to a screeching halt with a volume of Junta being like “OH NO HE’S HOTTTTTTTTTTT” despite the time devoted they do very little to give them an actual relationship or investment in his personality. It’s all a one-sided pining boner for hideous wiggle mouth.

The content of the writing is just embarrassing too.  I can be a more forgiving in the sex-excuse side chapters.  But like there’s a side chapter when Junta is magiked into a child and for like what? So we can coo, that the author drawing a small snowman with a poorly defined face and pretending it’s a child is super adorable?

So we can excuse the shitty way Junta behaves?  Is anybody weirded out that 3 year old Junta is more thoughtful and respectful than his adult-self?  YOU CAN’T EVEN WRITE HOW CHILDREN BEHAVE YOU STUPID SIMP! UGH!!!!

But also the arc on the paparazzi just ended in a total train-wreck of awful writing no question.

Sexual politics:

They’re fucking atrocious here.

1.)    The first scene is framed as a brutal rape but 30 seconds later its fine and they’re in love.

2.)    The handling of the ~worst rapist~ trope with big buckets of victim blaming and as if Takato was ~cheating~ is horrendous.

3.)    The worst rapist is also a sex worker.  So we’re framing sex workers as bad people and sex work as a bad thing. BUT GOLLY KEEP DRAWING GRAPHIC SEX SCENCES!

4.)    The sexually predator producer of Junta being framed as harmless cause he’s effeminate is god fucking awful.  It’s also this bizarre homophobic double standard that this man (and by extension his gay brother) are a joke because they behave stereotypically gay and aren’t ashamed of being effeminate.  MEN ARE ONLY HOT IF THEY ACT LIKE PREDATORS IN A MANLY WAY, OR ARE ASHAMED OF ANY SEXUAL SUBMISSIVE OR EFFEMINATE TRAITS THEY HAVE! I LOVE WATCHING MAN ON MAN SEX BUT SO HELP ME GOD IF THEY’RE ~GAY ABOUT IT!~

5.)    They ~sorta~ take sexual harassment seriously when a female actor is being groomed. Like they joke about it but also DO SOMETHING TO STOP IT really fucking muddles what we’re supposed to think about sexual abuse at all here.

6.)    Takato’s producer sexually assaults him to ~prove a point~ that Takato is putting himself in situations where rape COULD happen.  The fuck is this horseshit! “These men could do the very bad thing of raping you. Let me demonstrate what that bad thing looks like cause I’m sure you’re UNAWARE!” THE FUCK!?  Also this sexual assault is framed more seriously than Junta’s producer because this producer is coded as MORE ATTRACTIVE and less openly QUEER! ONCE AGAIN I EXCLAIM! THE FUCK!?

7.)    Takato OPENLY describes Junta as scary and calls his acts stalking, kidnapping, bullying, blackmail, threats, and rape.  He also tries to actively avoid his boyfriend at times, yet are we not to take ANY of this seriously?  Are we not to take this seriously cause this behavior is acceptable when the one dolling it out is attractive and charming?  Are we not to take it seriously because we can’t except Takato to be honest about how he feels about any of this?  I don’t believe in given a blanket free-pass when Takato doesn’t consistently express desire in Junta’s abusive tendencies.  Like maybe you can argue some of the sex is consensual but can you argue that Takato is into the blackmail, when he never mentions he likes it? Can you argue he’s into the non-stop attention when he SOMETIMES BEGRUDINGLY admits he enjoys it?  If so does just that get a blanket pass?

JUST UGH! YOU’VE GUYS HAVE PROBABLY HEARD THIS RANT FROM ME BEFORE I FUCKING HATE TSUNDERE SEXUAL POLITICS!

 Characters

Takato

Okay so Takato. What’s this dude’s deal?  

Okay let’s start with some boring basics:  He’s a hard-working actor who strives to be professional.  He’s a perfectionist, who seems to easily and joyfully take on the role of mentor/protector. He does seem to take himself too seriously at times. He appears to subtly prod at people who have wronged him or others rather than confront them directly. He’s also shown to be a tsundere with a submissive streak.

There’s nothing bad on its face about this characterization.  However Takato is described as an intelligent professional actor, with years of experience.  Yet his handling of the paparazzi thing is pretty much he goes to shit and opens him up to more rape cause lol hot.  I could maybe understand this characterization if the paparazzi thing really hit Takato on a personal level and he made some irrational choices due to feeling as if he was being attacked or that he was going to permanently lose his job.

However he is shown as calm, as he’s making these choices and openly states that he will gladly give up a career he worked so hard for if it would save Junta’s career. Did he not, even for a second consider he could save both of them?  This is not consistent with his characterization and it exists to put Junta on a pedestal he does not deserve.

SPEAKING OF…

Junta

So…this fucking guy. Junta is a young up and coming actor with early success.  He’s shown to be an impulsive, passionate person who relies heavily on an ~angelic charm.~  He has no shame in using calculated, underhanded methods in order to achieve his goals.  He is shown as impatient, has a temper, and is openly disrespectful to his partner.

Yet the world fawns over him with praise for how attractive, charming, and ~resourceful~ he is.  He is described as having a few low wage jobs out of high school and therefore he’s an expert in EVERYTHING FOREVER!

I believe they were trying to humorously contrast Junta having a sweet, innocent angelic charm, with the reality of him being an aggressive a-hole.  However they do not frame the aggressive a-hole side of him as bad but rather as HOT.  Like I GET THAT on some level but since he’s a manipulative, abusive, rapist, it just reminds me of all the REAL LIFE INDIVIDUALS who put on a good face for the public but to their partner they’re monsters.

Art

I legit hate this fucking art. Like straight up and down, I have a hard time even reading it on a visual level.  Like the anatomy is OKAY and the backgrounds are OKAY but a lot of it is less than okay. The worst culprits are the character designs, the necks, and the expressions.  

I am so done with mediocre artists churning out, not only same-faced characters compared to their own art, but characters that are basically same-faced compared to the main-stream.  The only thing unique here is that Junta has dark hair underneath his lighter brown hair. OH GOLLY!  It’s so fucking bland and Junta’s got best seme in the Chil Chil awards and I’m so salty about that I could give the dead sea a run for its money. UGH!

The necks are super long, thin, twisty, sharp angels, and with her sad attempts at tendons it looks as if they’re constantly tense.  And in worst case scenarios they don’t look as if they’re attached to even half of the chin. Yeesh!

The expressions…fucking lord.  In the best of times, the facial spacing is just bad, with eyes and mouths off center, and ears too low.  The author has no concept of how lips/faces work so all the kisses are REAL BAD. It’s either just like…triangles smashed at each other, no lips involved, or they’re like 1 foot apart layering their tongues on each other like they’re building a fucking sandwich.

The worst of times is Takato’s sex faces.  THEY MAKE ME WANT TO VOMIT-SCREAM!

Basically he squints and his eyes get so watery it looks as if they replaced his eyeballs with just well…water.  You can’t make out pupils, irises, NOTHING!  But the mouths are the pinnacle of puke-inducing.  They’re these enormous squigglies with no rhyme or reason, just oozing saliva like a breach in a dam. At best they’re cartoonish in an unerotic way. THESE SQUIGGLES! I CAN’T STAND THEM!  YUCK!

TL;DR

Poorly drawn and written Rapist/Tsundere garbage.  While it doesn’t hit EVERY little overplayed trope, it’s still pretty cliché.  Just, it’s similar and up there with Junjou in the shitty department if you ask me.

[iadorayou-blog]

Hide - Chapter 8

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After our kiss, I laid my head on Lance's chest like a pillow and we continued to watch the movie. I paid more attention to Lance’s steady breathing than the dialogue of the movie. It was soft and calm. He sounded completely at ease. I felt that way too. Lance just did that to me he just made me feel happy and comforted. I wish I could feel this way all the time.

“Hey, Keith do you hear that?” Lance ripped me out of my trance focused on the subtle rise and fall of his chest.

“No, hear what?” I asked trying to listen to whatever he was hearing.

“It’s like a phone buzzing but mines right here not buzzing.” He said showing me his phone with one notification from Pidge that read ‘you’re a loZer ;-P.’

I looked around for my phone not finding it, “shoot I think I set it down on your bed while we were building the fort.” Lance paused the movie to let me crawl out and get it, “oh I forgot to tell Allura that I left with you she’s been texting and calling. I should call her back give me a second.”

“Feel free. If you wanna step out into the hall you can too.” Lance replied. I opted to stay in his room pacing around the fort.

“Hey, Allura,”

“Keith are you okay? I’ve been trying to get in touch with you for so long!” She yelled.

“I know I’m sorry I forgot to tell you I went home with Lance,” I explained

“Oh? I didn’t think you were that type of person Keith.”

“Not like that Allura. We’re just watching a movie. You do owe me brownies though.” She shrieked of excitement I’m sure Lance was able to hear because it practically burst my eardrum.

“Tell me all about it what happened? Did y’all kiss? Did y’all confess? Is that why you didn’t answer the phone because you were kissing?”

“Allura I already said not like that but I am staying the night and I’ll tell you when I get home tomorrow, we’re kinda hanging out right now I just wanted you to know I was okay and safe.”

“Fine just” She paused as if she was searching for the right words, “use a condom.” She finished before abruptly hanging up. I grunted really hoping Lance did not hear any of what Allura said.

I crawled back in the fort to join Lance, “sorry about that,” I started before being cut off.

“Allura is funny.” He teased.

“You heard all that?” I asked timidly.

“Mmmhhhmmmm,” he hummed in response.

“Well pretend you didn’t.” I Burris’s my face in his chest to hide my embarrassment. He soothingly petted my hair.

“Don’t worry I didn’t hear a thing I don’t even know what thing we could be talking about.” He said jokingly. “Now let’s get back to the movie,” he gently shook me to signal I souls turn around and watch.

“But I’m comfy right here,” I groaned my words being muffled by his chest.

“I call bs I am like mostly ribs I doubt you're comfortable.”

“Physically I’ve been better but emotionally I’m the most comfortable I’ve ever been.”

“Well you can still snuggle up to my chest just turn around so you can watch one of my favorite movies with me,” his tone almost a whine, “pretty please?”

“Fine, but you gotta give me a kiss.” I turned over to face him.

He leaned in, “Glad to know I’m not the only one able to be bribed with kisses.” Our lips met again for another soft and sensual kiss. When we pulled back we lingered just inches apart starring into each other’s eyes. “You’re cute,” he started, “I can’t wait until we’re sober and we can make out.”

“Did you already forget about the movie?” I giggled at him.

“Yes. You’re very distracting,” He grinned, “but for real let’s get back to this movie.”

We continued to watch the movie snuggled together. Lance was such a romantic, he loved sweet kisses, snuggles, and quiet intimacy in general. He simply enjoyed just being with someone he likes. I could tell because the smile hardly left his face. He would kiss the top of my head from time to time as if to remind me he was there.

We continued on like this for a while, I could tell why Lance wanted to watch this movie so bad. It’s probably some of the best representation the gays have. To be fair we don’t have a lot but even if we did this would still be some of the best. It kept us engaged and invested. The movie ended with the main character and his love interest kissing on the Ferris Wheel.

“Keith we should go to the state fair when it comes around,” Lance said excitedly.

“Why do you wanna kiss on top of the Ferris wheel just like they did?” I joked.

“I mean it would be cute but I mostly go through the mirror maze with you and play all those games that you have to shoot like a bottle or something because I have incredible aim.” He bragged, “I’m gonna win you a prize.”

“Well, what if I wanna win you a prize?” I turned to face him when the credits started to roll.

“I mean it’s not like I can stop you.” He said, “I do need to stop the feeling if chlorine on my skin though,” he started to pull away, “so I’m going to need you to let go of me so I can go shower.”

But I just clung to him tighter, “Um no we’re not allowed to stop cuddling that’s illegal.”

“I mean, you could always join me,” he smirked playfully at me.

“Lance,” they “I know I know we agreed but you didn’t want to let go so I had to offer. Besides it was a joke,” he paused before he quietly continued, “mostly.”

“Fine, I will release you from my grasp to go shower.” I let go of him but he didn’t move.

“You have to shower after me though, I don’t want my bed to smell like chlorine.” He kissed my forehead and got up to shower. I rolled to the center of the fort and shrouded myself in the blankets and my eyes were difficult to keep open. I dug around for my phone to look for the time. It was only midnight but it felt more like three in the morning. I skimmed my notifications seeing mostly ones from Instagram stating Allura was going live. There was a text from Shiro, “so I hear you have a boyfriend now ;)” followed by, “if he breaks your heart I will break him in half, but in other news, I too have a boyfriend now!”

I quickly typed out a reply, “actually Lance isn’t my boyfriend we just kissed and now I’m at his house but with the way, he’s talking I bet we’ll be boyfriends soon.”

“Wait it’s Lance? All Allura said was that you had a boyfriend. Did my flirting tips work?” He replied so fast it seemed like he was waiting.

“Yeah it’s Lance and no your flirting tips didn’t work I didn’t even try them. Adam’s flirting tips worked.”

“Speaking of Adam”

“I knew he liked you!” I replied before he was done typing.

“He’s my boyfriend. Wait how did you know I just found out????”

“Shiro he was flirting with you in front of me during our weekly Skype call. You’re just dumb.”

“Okay yeah, but you don’t have to say it.”

“ANYWAYS I’m happy for you but if he hurts you I will destroy his entire bloodline.”

“Thank you and I’ll let him know LOL!!!!”

“Please never type that again.”

“Don’t tell me what to do u r a minor go to bed.”

“Lance is in the shower and he won’t let us get into his bed until we shower so I’m waiting on the floor in our fort.”

“Well, nap on the floor you should rest u need beauty sleep you look like an ogre in the morning.”

“Thanks, I hate u goodnight”

“I’m joking but you never get enough sleep anyways”

With that, I put my phone back at my side and settled into the blankets again and shut my eyes. I was out like a light. I’ve always been a light sleeper but that night for some reason I fell asleep hard and fast. I didn’t even hear Lance get out of the shower. It didn’t feel like much time had passed before Lance was by my side trying to wake me up.

“Keith… wake up… Keith…” He was gently nudging me waiting for me to open my eyes.

“Mmmmmmmmm, don't wanna…” I groaned.

“Keith if you don’t shower tonight you’ll feel gross in the morning. Also, you need to finish your drink and take some vitamins or you’ll wake up with a hangover,” I groaned at him again, “I promise you you’ll feel better in the morning I put a towel and pajamas on the counter for you and started up the shower so it’s warm.”

“Fine.” I reached out for him to help me up.

“I’ll clean up out here, pull out the vitamins you need, and be in bed ready to cuddle you until you fall asleep again, okay?” I nodded and went to the bathroom. Discarded my clothes onto the floor and hopped into the shower, he was right it was warm and it felt nice to clean off.

I completed my regular shower routine and got out I dried off and put on the clothes Lance left out for me. One of his t-shirts and a plush pair of fleece pajama pants. It was so much more comfortable than what I had been wearing. Also, the added comfort that they were Lance’s.

I went back into his room and just as he said the fort was completely cleaned up and he was in his bed playing some game on his phone.

“There’s the beautiful boy!” I blushed, “your drink and some vitamins are on my desk: a low dose of over the counter iron supplements, calcium chews, vitamin D, and some melatonin.” He pointed to the corner of his desk where my drink and the vitamins he listed sat out ready for me. I chewed up the calcium gummy and then took the pills with my drink finishing it off. Lance lifted the cover and patted the space in the bed next to him. I crawled under the covers and snuggled up to him nuzzling my head into his chest. Lance hit a button on his phone that turned off the lights and combed his fingers through my hair and once again that night I was out like a light.

[angelkurenai]

Imagine your fiance, Jensen, being furious to find you at Tom’s house, who is your ex, after you had a terrible fight and you run away, and almost fighting with him. Only for the truth about you to start being revealed slowly.

Related to these: Imagine while at the Comic Con with your boyfriend Jensen, you run into your ex Tom whose feelings for you have not changed one bit. (Part 1)

Imagine getting a role in a movie with your ex Tom and Jensen, your current boyfriend, getting jealous and worried. (Part 2)

Imagine Jensen, your boyfriend, visiting you on set when you have a intense kissing scene with your ex and costar, Tom. (Part 3)

Imagine being engaged to Jensen and being involved in a scandal when you’re seen out on a “date” with your ex, Tom Hiddleston. (Part 4)

Imagine having a bad fight with your fiance, Jensen, when he thinks you’re cheating on him with your ex, Tom, and running to him for comfort. Only to worry Jensen even more when you don’t answer any calls. (Part 5)

“Jensen?”

It felt like Tom’s voice was ringing in your ears after the word you heard leave his lips. Your eyes widened and all air got caught in your throat, you were only glad you weren’t holding something in your hands or else it would have fallen and you certainly didn’t want that in the moment. You were paralyzed mostly because you were too shocked he had come here looking for you. Somehow part of you wanted Tom’s comfort but other part of you had seeked for shelter in his house because you knew, or at least hoped, that Jensen was not going to come looking here for you or speaking to Tom about it in the first place.

But you were wrong.

“What- what are you doing here?” the British asked him, clearly just as surprised.

“I uh I didn’t mean to bother, I’m sorry in case you’re busy, but uhm-” Jensencleared his throat that sounded more raspy than ever before and even if you didn’t want him to realize you were there you actually tiptoed to get closer to them without being seen.

“Jensen what’s going on?” Tom’s voice was stern and as you peaked through the corner you saw his jaw and fists were clenched and his chest puffed out. He was getting protective, you’d seen that look plenty of times before, but this time you were worried that in his anger he was going to say things that he shouldn’t.

Jensen let out a frustrated sigh “(Y/n)’s- she’s gone. She somehow… I can’t find her, Tom, she left last night and she hasn’t come back home yet and before she left we… we said some pretty bad things too.” his voice was shaky, and his breathing uneven, making you feel a pang in your chest ad tears to well up in your eyes. You didn’t mean everything you said of course, and you by no means wanted to end up like this and here but Jensen had pushed you with his actions and words and when you saw the man you loved so much doubt you to this extend and probably the first time in your relationship made you wonder if he was going to do worse after marriage. He was a great man that was for sure but before him and Tom there had been relationships in your life that left you scared emotionally for years.

“We?” Tom raised an eyebrow, his jaw twitching. The accusing tone in his voice couldn’t go unnoticed.

“Yeah uh mostly- mostly me but-” Jensen sniffled before letting out a heavy sigh “But as said some things that… now that she’s all gone and not answering my calls make me sick worried and I- I gotta know if- if she contacted you or something? I’m- I’m not going to be mad, Tom, I just can’t find her anywhere and it’s driving me crazy.”

“Well-” you saw Tom hesitate, almost for a moment looking sorry but his anger was too much to handle too “I will call you if she does show up but... I need to know what was it that you did to her to be able to help you.” he shrugged smoothly, crossing his arms over his chest.

Jensen laughed bitterly “Yeah it’s best if you don’t.” he muttered.

“How so?” Tom raised an eyebrow, challenging the man and as you pushed yourself just a little further you noticed Jensen’s clenched jaw and fists. But what made a tear finally slip from your eyes was his own red ones and the dark circles under his eyes. No wonder he had stayed up all night waiting for you and calling or texting you or anybody else that could know of your whereabouts. Your heart clenched inside your chest at the thought and you rested your back against the wall for support.

“Tom, just-” Jensen ran a frustrated hand down his face “Tell her if she does show up here that- that I only want to know if she is alright. That a text will be ok just as long as I know she’s safe. I want her to know that I love her, no matter what. And- and tell her that I won’t be mad if she came to you for help, that I understand her reasons if-” all words got caught in his throat and his eyes widened, making Tom raise an eyebrow.

“What-” he started but you spoke up before the younger man could continue.

“Do you now?” you asked softly without any real hint of anger, only pain. Tom instantly turned t face you with wide eyes, surprised you came to face him, while Jensen’s expression went from stunned to relieved to hurt to angry all in ten seconds.

“(Y/n)?” he whispered, tears welling up in his eyes once more “You're-”

“I'm fine... if that's still your priority and not the fact that I am at my ex's place.” you whispered, shrugging numbly.

“You know that-” he couldn't form the words because he knew it wasn't entirely true saying that it didn't matter to him “You know your well-being is always all I care for.”

“So you don't mind that I stayed the night at Tom's? You're not angry because you understand that I needed to besomewhere I called home once, with someone that cares for me, and just taking a break from everything? Tell me that it's only me you care about and that- that you're relieved I am alright, even if I am here.”

“I don't-” he clenched his jaw, looking away and trying to blink away the tears. Mostly avoiding to look in your eyes because he knew that wasn't the truth. You heard a growl leave his lips as he struggled but couldn't lie directly in your face when he was clearly bothered. You didn't blame him for that, no, but as he gritted his teeth and ran a frustrated hand down his face you couldn't help but feel... disappointed. He couldn't fight it all for just a little bit because, maybe, his love for you wasn't as strong as yours was for him. It wasn't that strong so that he could put aside all differences, like you were willing to do the second you heard his voice when Tom opened the door to him (even if you couldn't admit it out loud), and it wasn't as strong as you wished all this time. It wasn't enough after all.

“Right.” you smiled bitterly “Then why are you even here, Jensen? What if you actually caught me here? What now that you actually found me here? Are you more relieved and happy or angry and jealous?”

“I called you all fucking night.” he choked out, looking you straight in the eyes “I called anyone that could know of your whereabouts and got only a no. Do you even know how I felt? I went out in the fucking storm looking for you on foot, damn it (Y/n) it took all of Jared's and Misha's force to pull me back in! You could have at least-” he stopped himself, letting out a trembling sigh.

“I know that. I know but-” you wiped away a stray tear hastily “Would you have even picked up? And if you did, what were you going to say Jens? Let me guess 'Are you having fun with him?' or maybe something worse?”

“Would I be wrong to?” he frowned, glancing at Tom for a second, who only pursed his lips.

“It doesn't matter now. It- None of it matters. Because I remember last night you- you were accusing me of cheating on you with this very man and now you actually come to help for him. Are you not mad anymore Jensen or are you too scared for my well-being to care of being jealous over nothing? Or- or did I suddenly become the woman you love again?”

“You know that never changed. I never stopped. My doubts and thoughts could never change something like that. Even the events.” he almost growled and you smiled bitterly.

“Or it was probably never there? Because partners usually listen to one another instead of believing gossip from the media, Jensen. They trust each other especially when there has never been a reason to doubt the other before.” you wrapped your arms around yourself, tears threatening to spill as you faced him again.

“Says the one that ran away! To the very same person that you said I was being too paranoid about. Tell me how is this paranoia, (Y/n)? Because frankly all I can think of is all of this being you trying to find an excuse to end things so that you could be with him again!”

“Is this what you meant when you said you understood her reasons for coming here?” Tom said through gritted teeth, raising an eyebrow.

“This is none of your business.” Jensen glared at him, and if glares could kill Tom would be long dead.

“You’ve made it already mine by what you said.” Tom growled “By what you accused her of and what you even could think of her. You say you're sorry, you were ready to take my help only minutes ago just because she wasn't here, but the moment you see her here your jealousy is impossible to contain. You almost forget what a great woman you have by your side and you”

“She was here and you lied about not knowing what was going on, what the hell do you expect me to say!?” Jensen growled in a deeper voice, cutting him off firmly, and you let a frustrated sigh.

“Come in, we can’t talk about it like this, here.” you turned to walk inside and and after pushing past Tom, a little on purpose, he followed after you.

“If you want to think this is me finding an excuse to leave you then is there any point in talking Jensen?” you whispered, looking at him with a blurt vision.

“What the hell do you expect me to say or think (Y/n)?” he threw his arms in the air “What the hell should I do when I get sick worried after you drive away angry and in tears during a freaking storm and refuse to answer any freaking call of mine, making me think that something terrible happened to you and I end up finding you at your ex's home, mind you, after we talked about him and your relationship!” he roared and you bit the inside of your cheek to keep the tears from streaming.

“So what?” you breathed out in a hoarse voice “Am I- Am I somehow not allowed to keep in contact with any of my exeseven though we ended on good terms and are friends or- or deny any role that is ever offered to me no matter how much of a great opportunity it is because Jared might be in it? Or am I supposed to turn around whenever I face Bill? Or even-” you stopped yourself when you almost choked on a sob.

“You know that’s far from the truth of what’s going on now. You know it (Y/n).” he clenched his jaw, looking at you directly in the eyes.

“She’s never done a thing to you. She’s never even fathomed of cheating on you, yet you keep honking that-” Tom started speaking, taking a step in front of you protectively and pushing you behind him.

“What the hell would you do?!” Jensen looked back at the man with a clenched jaw “Would you not be angry? Would you not be jealous? Would you not demand answers? Would you not question everything after she was the one that lied in the first place? Would you not be hurt?"

Tom glanced at you as you turned away and wiped your own tears so that neither of them could see.

Jensen smiled bitterly "You know very well what I mean. You know very well how it feels, all of it.” he shrugged numbly “Have you never once doubted it? Maybe not her, not per say, but your entire relationship in the first place? Younger. More talented. More charming. Lots of memories and beautiful moments together. Really often around her. A real charmer and good guy. No or yes?”

“That’s not-” Tom started but Jensen cut him off with a humorless laugh.

“We are different in many ways, Tom, but those- those feelings we are forever going to have in common and you know it.”

“And I still take no right upon them, Jensen. Yes perhaps you are right, but contrary to you I am not going to use any of it to my advantage and hold it against the one I love.” Tom pursed his lips “You are accusing your future wife that she could possibly do such- such a terrible thing to you without taking a second to think who she actually is. How you are truly blessed to have such a woman next to you. You forget you should only ravish her with love but instead you are-”

“Making mistakes like any human being!” Jensen yelled, cutting him off “But I suppose you should know everything right Tom? Since you did such a great job at keeping her in the first place yourself, don’t you?” he bit back angrily and you only rubbed your temple, closing your eyes and trying to get as much air as possible into your lungs.

Their voices were not doing any job in helping you, they only increased your stress, and made your dizziness get worse. It didn’t help that your stomach had been making you feel like hell the past few days all this tension was making things build up in the worst way possible. It almost made you feel as if the room was spinning dangerously so around you and your legs would give away any given moment.

“Our relationship ending was on a mutual decision but that still gives you no right to bring it up, not to me, not now. You've made a mistake, yes, but you clearly don't realize the extent of that one! She was a wreck last night, she could barely breathe right from all the sobs and tears. She was shaking like a leaf, soaking wet and felt sick all the while, I almost got scared for her life, and you care only about the fact that she is here?” Tom scoffed, shaking his head as he crossed his arms over his chest.

“I do! Alright? I fucking do, more than you can comprehend but I am not going to talk with you about it. I am here to see my fiance, to sort things out with her, alone. Because this is none of your business.” Jensen growled, taking a step forward just as did Tom, his hands dropping as he fisted his hands.

“Fiance huh? The same one you accused of betraying you in such a low way, right. Well, she's not wearing her ring is she?” Tom hissed, almost in a way that reminded you of Loki, full of anger but doing a good job at managing it for the time being “If anything I think she gave it back, calling off the engagement, didn't she?” he raised an eyebrow and Jensen clenched his jaw.

“That's none of your business, she didn't mean it and she-”

“Oh didn't she? How so? Because frankly-” with each word they kept getting closer and closer to each other, and when you realized it it seemed you were almost too late because the proximity was the one that allowed them to fight any given second.

“Tom please.” you whispered weakly, taking hold of his arm and pulling him back but he wasn't budging. He glanced at you, giving you a pained look and one of love that made you feel like a total fool to not have noticed all this time. How was it even possible when you had seen that look on his face all the time you were together?

“She came running to me because she was afraid of you. Because I made her feel comfortable when you-”

“Oh you'd wish so bad. But that's not the case, you were just the one she stumbled upon. She was only taking whatever was there for comfort, you were not-”

“Jens, please.” your voice raised, not really that much, but you tried to be firm as you placed yourself between them.

“Comfort, yes, away from you though. And now you are here demanding what exactly?”

“I'm here to talk with my future wife but you keep standing in the way.” Jensen growled.

“Guys, please.” you tried to swallow the lump in your throat but it was getting all the more harder.

“I'm only in the way to defend her. And as for your future wife I wouldn't bet on that.” Tom gave him a tight characteristic Loki smirk.

“Oh yes, you'd wish that very much wouldn't you? To have another chance to get her but not come off as the bad guy. Comfort her, spend time with her and slowly-”

“Is that how little faith you actually have in her? I'd never-”

“No, it's because I know you! And you are-” Jensen snarled, cutting him off, all of his usual kindness and warm heart not showing as he glared at the man in front of him.

“What? Say it.” Tom hissed, the usually calm man seeming like a totally other person now.

“I thought I could have some patience, that in the end you'd end up disappearing and we'd forget all about this and you. But you are just-”

“Enough!” you screamed between the two of them, tears falling down your cheeks “Enough, I can't-” a whimper left your lips as you felt your legs shaky and all air get caught in your throat. You almost struggled to breathe and no matter how much you blinked you vision only got even more blurry, black spots appearing in a second.

“(Y/n)?” you didn't know whose voice it was, or whose hands you felt on your shoulders, but you didn't have the time to process it... before darkness enveloped you for good.